I Couldn’t Even Shoot The Hostage

By W R Jones

figure-study-19.jpgThis is Trixie, my imaginary girlfriend.  She is angry because I won’t buy her some imaginary clothes.  I suppose this makes me about as cheap as they come.

    I went shooting with my son the other day.  I wanted to try out my new tang sight.  A tang sight is attached to the narrow front part of a rifle stock.  It can be folded up or down and has a small aperature which helps old myopic eyes focus on both the front sight and the target.  I can’t shoot any better, but now I can see my misses clearly.

    I was pleased with how the rifle was working and should have stopped right there.  Nope, I had to get out the handgun; figured I might as well shoot a few rounds since we were at the range.   I have a small 9mm and can’t hit a damn thing with it.  I bought it because it was small and stainless so I wouldn’t have to worry about rust.  I should have worried about hitting something.

    I asked the girl at the counter to give me the tall fat guy target.  She gave me the largest target they had which was a woman hostage standing in front of an evil man with about 1/3 of his head visable from behind her.  I immediately up made my mind up to go for the hostage.  She was a bigger target.  Turns out she had nothing to worry about, safe as a church mouse.  The evil guy could relax as well.  However, anyone laying in the dirt about 5 yards in front of them was in some danger. 

    Down the line from us a man was shooting a Kimber 45.  Kimber makes some very fine handguns for some very fine dollars.  My son spoke with him and admired the piece.  Later the man stopped and offered my son the opportunity to try the pistol.  Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam – all into the evil man’s eye and nose.

    I asked my son to shoot my pistol as I could not believe I could shoot THAT poorly.  He tried and sure enough he missed everything as well.  So my gun is junk.  Not really, it is just meant for short range (very short range as on top of you) defense not target shooting.   If any burgler invades my home I will have to ask him/her (let’s not leave out the ladies) to please hold the barrel to the center of their chest; not off to one side.  Otherwise I might end up shooting the dog.

   When I got home I mentioned to my wife I would be needing a new handgun.  Whoa, what was I thinking.  This was too close to my recent toy helicopter fiasco.  When I looked up and noticed the look she was giving me my mind raced for the nearest exit.  I came up with, “Well, on second thought, it would be money better spent if we got you some new shoes and purses, don’t you think?  Let’s go shopping tomorrow.”  

   You young fellows can take a lesson here.  Sometimes we have to compromise to keep domestic harmony.  Compromise is a euphemism for giving her the keys to your ball locker.  But, what the hell, they aren’t of much use anyway when you are shopping for a purse.

PS – to those bloggers I normally leave comments for on your blogs, all my comments are being sent to spam.  I’ve asked wordpress what is happening but have not heard back.

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10 Responses to I Couldn’t Even Shoot The Hostage

  1. grfxho says:

    That whole “it’s in the SPAM” bit sounds like an excuse to me. Sort of like how you say “I swear I sent you those socks I was hand-knitting you! They’re in the mail!”

    And yes, I just negated your manly post about guns by disclosing the fact that you knit.

  2. wrjones says:

    Damn – I thought the gun thing would negate playing hockey in pink tights. Thanks alot, Weed. I’m going to comment on your blog this very minute to see what happens. What has been happening is that when I comment nothing shows up.

  3. grfxho says:

    Maybe there’s some deep message in there, Bill. Maybe the universe is urging you to focus on your knitting instead of firing guns and neglecting those socks you owe me.

  4. Carol King says:

    YOU KNIT????????

  5. wrjones says:

    Yes, Carol I knit, but my yarn is razor wire. You want a pair of socks too?

  6. grfxho says:

    I’m liking this revealing your secrets (or at least dredging them up again) bit. Can we do this on a regular basis?

  7. Rhonda says:

    I think the universe is just. The girlfriend, imaginary or not, doesn’t get a penny spent on clothing until the wife has all the shoes and purses she can buy and have you carry around for her in large pink and mauve shopping bags for a whole weekend. And if this imaginary girlfriend looks younger and thinner than the wife, then a diamond tennis bracelet (for the wife, of course!) is also in order.

  8. wrjones says:

    Weed, you are welcome to come to my tri-weekly confessional. I will ask the father for the family booth.

    Rhonda, that was a misprint. That is not Trixie but the hostage. You are a cold hard woman that a man can not let his imagination run, strictly for mental health reasons. Don’t think I haven’t seen you holding your 5th husband by the ear to the counter at Tiffanys for some imaginarry indiscretion.

  9. gypsy-heart says:

    You are a wild man!! The gun ordeal was punishment for Trixie (even if she was imaginary)! :)

    I will check my spam again, and see if you are there.
    You need to behave so the spam god’s will release you!

    Seriously, I like the portrait…it has a sense of mystery to it!

  10. kevmoore says:

    My advice: aim at the dog. You’ll hit the bad guy every time.

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