Twenty Foot Boa Constrictor Found in My House

by Lisa


Some years ago I came up with the crazy idea of painting eggshells with tempera, and crushing them up to create micromosaics. Here you see the only one I actually created because my eyes went bad doing it. Well, I did get halfway through another one before I quit. I don’t have a picture of that other one, but I would show it here if I could, because I was recently reminded of it. It was a depiction of a lizard. Why a lizard you may ask? I don’t know what possessed me at the time. Was I trying to work through my bug phobia?

Like I said, I didn’t finish it. The phobia still exists. Why, just the other day, I came across a huge amphibian IN MY HOUSE. Okay, it was more like a fifteen inch lizard, but it was formidable I assure you. I was talking to my poor son on the phone at the time, and walking into my kitchen when I almost stepped on him. My son must have thought he was about to be orphaned. I began screaming COME HOME QUICK into the phone. In my zeal to exit the house in a hurry, my hand slipped off the doorknob, and as I continued through the door, it stayed shut.  I have the bruise to prove it it.

My son, good kid that he is, came right home to see what the commotion was about, and to rescue me from the man-eating lizard. I kept warning him that lizards tails break off very easily, and I am convinced now, yucky boy that he is, that he wanted to see if I was right. After supposedly trapping the lizard in a towel, he grabbed him by the tail, and sure enough, held up a three inch piece of writhing tail for me to see from clear across the room, cementing my phobia in stone. Then the lizard DISAPPEARED UNDER THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Where he is apparently happy. Or scared of our dog. He’s not scared of me because I refuse to go in there and cook. We’re all losing weight.

I am leaving now to go plein air painting at a location near the beach–BY MYSELF. If you don’t see a post from me in the next few days, come looking for me. You’ll find me cowering behind a rock, mumbling incoherently about a grasshopper.

This entry was posted in Humor, On Suffering, Painting, Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Twenty Foot Boa Constrictor Found in My House

  1. 100swallows says:

    That is a very nice mosaic-painting, Lisa, and a great idea to make a mosaic out of egg shells. I’m going to have to try that. Did you color eggs for Easter?

  2. Carol King says:

    Wow Lisa, that painted eggshell mosaic is really nice.

  3. lbtowers says:

    My egg color days are long gone 100swallows. I pass the art of eggshell mosaic happily on to you.

  4. Pingback: The God’s Have Voted: Lisa Will Not Be a Landscape Painter « On Painting

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