Tear Here

By WR Jones

Blue Plate Special
Blue Plate Special     9″ x 11″
Oil on linen

I needed to add salt to the water softener the other night. We had a 25 lb bag of salt. Across one corner there was a dashed line and the words “Tear Here”. Some miserable sadistic son of Satan wrote that bullshit. I tried to pull it open with my hands. Then I tried hands and teeth. Then both feet, hands, and teeth. Finally I gave up and stalked into the house spewing rough language that Mango is sure to pick up to embarrass me when the deacon rings the bell.

I had to resort to scissors – Jesus! Who came up with that spelling? I had to walk to the neighbors to get help. I tried sizzers, the useless spell corrector gave me sizzlers. Certain it would help me, I then tried siccors, knowing it was wrong but should be close enough. Nope, I got succors for that one. I’m going to have to confine myself to writing Dick and Jane stories.

As I’m cutting the salt bag open I notice the very clever (tear at the dashed line) area has a label stating, “Patent Pending”. Are you shitting me? A patent for a dashed line that doesn’t work?

l can imagine the court challenge. Your honor, we are not infringing the patent. Our bag actually tears at the dashed line with the bare hands of a two year old. The patented version needs a backhoe to open.

This is a case where the word plethora can be used as a gross understatement – there is a plethora of idiots in the world.

The concept of infinity may have come from someone trying to count the idiots around him. A historical re-enactment:

“Earl, how many idiots do you reckon there are?” “Hmm, I counted 8 so far and that’s just your wife and kids. I could have got your other two kids if you hadn’t chopped off two of my fingers with your Hey let’s get a free Christmas tree, you hold and I’ll chop.”

“8’s all I got – let’s tip it over and use it to represent all the idiots we can think of.” “Good idea what do we call that funny looking symbol?” “How about, ‘More idiots than we can count’?”

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7 Responses to Tear Here

  1. george love says:

    Oh my god. Start my day laughing my butt off. You forgot the double hernia picking up the damn bag! I miss those regular posts and lovely art attached to some great kvetching. Right after my own heart, and sorely needed in this world now that Andy Rooney is gone…..I don’t “Facebook” so am thrilled to see these posts in my email.

  2. wrjones says:

    Thanks for the very nice comment George.

  3. Ohhhh sounds like you need to be painting more….

  4. wrjones says:

    You are right Mary. If only I wasn’t tangled in a web of epoxy like sloth.

  5. Bill… Haven’t dropped by in so long…. didn’t realize you two were still blogging.

    But one minute in and I’m so glad you still are. – You always did make me smile…. and often laugh out loud. -Always a good thing! Thanks!

    • wrjones says:

      Thanks Marian. I post on the blog once in a while. Being retired I don’t have so much time now. Other interests are keeping me away. I’ve been called a hobbyholic. Will start going to the meetings soon. I see you are still creating some very nice work. Keep painting, don’t start playing pickleball like I did.

      On Wed, Jun 10, 2015 at 8:53 PM, On Painting wrote:

      >

  6. wrjones says:

    Thanks Marian. I post on the blog once in a while. Being retired I don’t have so much time now. Other interests are keeping me away. I’ve been called a hobbyholic. Will start going to the meetings soon. I see you are still creating some very nice work. Keep painting, don’t start playing pickleball like I did.

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