No English ~ No Green Card

By WR Jones

I’m going to have to stand firm on this English requirement for a green card or citizenship.   They don’t have to know every word or how to spell; otherwise I would be out as well.

The minimum language requirement would be that they can tell the difference between light mayo and no pickles.  I ordered a hamburger with fries the other day.   Having been through this fiasco at different fast food joints the previous two hamburger runs, I was very careful in my wording.   “I would like one hamburger, light mayo only.  That is not too much mayonnaise.”   “OK, anything else sir?”   “And 1 order of fries.”   “OK, sir, I have one hamburger, light mayonnaise only, and one fries.”   “Yes, that is correct.”   “That will be $5.43.  Your order number is 756 – you should have got here earlier, you old dummy.”

I waited for the other 755 orders to complete.   Another woman called my number.   I stepped up to…. a lonely hamburger.   “I ordered fries also.”   “We no have fries, not working.”   “NO FRIES! You miserable misbegotten cow?”  That is what I said on the inside.  On the outside, “ok”.

I drove off with my lonely hamburger.   And as I’m driving and talking on my iPhone (screw the law, I live wild and free.).   I reach into the bag and pull out my hamburger.   Now I’ve got the iPhone in one hand and the burger in  the other and steering with one knee.  But I’m focused down the road so it is completely safe, you understand.

I bite into the hamburger.  My taste buds hit the taste enjoyment blocking pickle and ketchup.   Out comes the MF expletive.  In a fit of rage I attempt to fling the offending burger out the window.   Turns out the flinging hand held the iPhone.    Furthermore, the phone hits the side window of the police car next to me at the light.   Now I’m talking into my hamburger wondering why I lost connection.   The cop, shit eating grin on his face, trades my iPhone for a nicely printed instruction sheet on how to contact the court system.

While he is writing my citation I drew this picture (from memory) of the, I call her, Pickle Woman.   I figured maybe my attorney could make her pay part of my fine.  (you can never over estimate the stupidity of a jury).   Of course, being from memory, this may not look a thing like  her.  It could have been some big ornately tattooed male instead.

Maybe that movie “Supersize Me” had it right.  This stuff is not good for you.   Otherwise how do you explain this is the 3rd time in a row this has happened to me and still I have not learned to check the order before driving off?

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21 Responses to No English ~ No Green Card

  1. Carol King says:

    Funny, funny story Bill. I don’t actually believe all of it as I have determined over the past year that you are as good of a writer as you are a painter.

    And I loved when you called her (mentally) a miserable, misbegotten cow!

    You are too much.

    Nice drawing.

  2. lesliepaints says:

    Great story, Bill. I don’t believe it though. Only the part about them putting pickles in your burger. I don’t think that has a thing to do with speaking english but the fact that these fast food places don’t function very well to special orders. They cook, fill, stack and wrap…..Nice quick drawing.

  3. Barbara Pask says:

    Wow, you should write a book. You need to just stay home and paint, never venture outside into the real world, lol. Of course we would miss your crazy posts.

  4. And I bet they never gave you any money back for the fries you didn’t get! You’d better go back there tomorrow and get your dollar back.
    Good story – and by the way, was the police man cute. It might be a good way for a woman to meet a man – no good for you, but I might try it sometime….but I’d have to get an iPhone first. That might be expensive. Whadya think,Bill? Is it possible?

  5. rahinaqh says:

    you must have been very relaxed when you drew that as it has a wonderful looseness to it, though you have gone hard on the lead but only where it was tonally appropriate. only problem is….. she is in the nuddie!!
    as for the story… i think it is 100% believable… of you:)

  6. Samartdog says:

    you make me laugh so hard, bill, that i sweat! broke my right arm on thursday, so i have to type with lefft index finger. that means my non-linear right brain is driving. my cursor thinks all rules are off and i can’t string a sentence. it also means no burgers cuz i’d have to iphne, fling burger, and drive all with my knees. sounds like an average day for you, so what’s you’re excuse?

  7. Lori says:

    You sure you didn’t bite into the iphone Bill? I heard they taste like pickles.

    They do that on purpose, either leave out a hamburger or three out of your order or give you the wrong change. But I would be pissed too if I had to work in the nude at one of those joints. Nice sketch!

  8. So often your verbal pictures make me laugh out loud. Of course, I must not laugh at other’s misfortunes… but….. a simple smile to myself was not enough.

    Too bad that’s happened to all of us…way way too often!!!

  9. Hi Bill. Hope you have a fun holiday. be sure to avoid the Pickle Woman, though. who needs the hassle?! Holly

  10. Merry Christmas, Bill
    As always I leave with a girn and a chuckle…Funny story…..I don’t believe it is true, especially three times… but funny anyway.
    Gotta get back to shovel out from the 14 inches of white stuff..
    Nice diversion and drawing.

  11. Dawn says:

    Bill…you have a very creative mind!

  12. Bonnie Luria says:

    Maybe food just wasn’t meant to be fast. The ineptitude quotient which seems to be everyones’ rising sign lately, doesn’t permit for things to be done fast AND right.
    There is a sign in one of our local shops that says:
    You can have it fast, you can have it cheap OR you can have it right.
    Choose two.

    The solution is to check, double check and then triple check. In other words, do your job and everyone else’s too.

    I hear iPhones taste just like chicken though.

  13. wrjones says:

    Carol – what do you mean you don’t believe it? I’m hurt.

    Lesliepaints – another non-believer? I’ve got to practice my lying I guess.

    Barbara – you are right. If I knew what was coming I would have never left my mother.

    K – excellent plan! Buy an iPhone and chuck it at some policeman’s head. I’m sure he will want to chat with you for awhile after that. Probably offer you a ride as well.

    Rahina – finally a believer. Thanks!

    Smartdog – use that good arm to channel surf looking for a SECRET to fixing a broken bone.

    Lori – in an unscientific survey I took, people who work in the fast food industry in the nude do so to keep from getting grease on their clothes.

    Marian – go ahead and laugh at the brutal beating life hands me daily; someone might as well enjoy it.

    Holly – thanks. You have a great Holly-day as well. Do I get a prize for being the 10,000 person to use that lame play on words?

    Cathyann – What is with all this non believing. I’m sticking with my story anyway. Why don’t you marry and make him shovel? Merry Christmas to you!

    Dawn – thanks, I guess. I like the way you word it. Sounds so much better than saying I’m a pathological liar.

    Bonnie – I just licked my iPhone to check the taste. There might have been just a hint of road kill chicken there alright.

  14. Katrina says:

    where have been? have you given up on me?

  15. wrjones says:

    Katrina – I must have deleted your link in a fit of pique. Can’t think of what it would have been for unless you forgot my birthday present? I’m over it now and put you back and eagerly await my Christmas gift.

  16. Katrina says:

    It’s ok. Happy Christmas.

  17. Feliz Navidad! Prospero ano nuevo!!!!!!!!!!
    Senior Lobenberg

  18. Joyeux Noel and merry Christmas too. Perhaps you just thought you ordered it with mayo and a side of fries. When the waitress is so young and disheveled, perhaps you only dreamed about the french fries. (The cop was real. Cops are always so unfortunately, unexpectedly real. And always at the wrong time, too.)

    Nice drawing! Feliz Navidad and prospero ano nuevo (like the guy above said).

  19. wrjones says:

    Katrina – I’m on it now so paint faster. I will be by daily.

    David – can’t help but be in awe of your language mastery. Happy holidays – Very Senior Bill

    Aletha – Tell me again in French, sounds more romantic than needles falling off a dead Christmas tree.

  20. Hey Bill – this is a great, loose drawing – my favorite thing!

  21. wrjones says:

    Connie – Thank you. Happy new year!!

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