Striving To Be The Biggest Idiot Ever Seen Or Heard Tell Of

By W R Jones

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Trixie and Bubbles

These are the women  I want to look after me.  Clearly I need keepers.   Let me tell you a little story.  Then you tell me if it is theoretically possible to be this stupid; or, have I gone beyond the 6 sigma so far into the outliers that I’m in some sort of parallel idiot’s universe.

I went into work one Sunday to put in a little extra effort as it were, what with me being the diligent company individual I am.   So, I’m at my desk when I become aware my shoulder as well as my hip, elbow, head, knee, and wrist are bothering me.  The shoulder was at the top of the heap pain wise so I wandered down the hallway to get some Ibuprofen.

So happens the Ibuprofen is right across from the administration assistant’s office area.  She has a refrigerator.  Sunday, no one around, why don’t I take a little looksee.  I could use a soda.  Then I saw it in the freezer.   A very cold but pliant plastic bag filled with a brown colored gel.   The admin woman had been struggling with a toothache for a week.   This must be one of those bags you freeze, use as a cold pack then return to the frig.

Well, great, this may do the trick for my shoulder pain.   Check the calendar on the wall and on my iPhone to be sure.  Yep, Sunday; no one will be around.   Why don’t I go to the VP’s office and rest on his small sofa with this cold pack.   Very comfortable that sofa.  Took my shoes off before putting up my feet (I wasn’t born in a barn you know).   Cold pack on shoulder, pain easing, I may have drifted off for a second or two.

I awoke to the sweet smell of chocolate.   Son-of-a-bitch!  Don’t panic.  Sure, there is a little monsterous amount of chocolate on the sofa, pillow, and carpet.  Let’s think this thing through.   Simply tell the truth, fess up, accept the blame and my deserved punishment …. have you been hit in the head?   As a fellow blogger once told me, she doesn’t lie she is just economical with the truth.

I went to the maintenance area.  They keep those steel toed safety boots there.  I put on a pair and went back to the office.   Stepping into the chocolate, I made sure to leave visible tracks back to the workshop.  There I left the boots and walked barefoot back to my office.

Oh, I suppose there is some ethical/moral lesson here but I’ve looked and looked and I can’t find it.

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34 Responses to Striving To Be The Biggest Idiot Ever Seen Or Heard Tell Of

  1. Sounds smart to me. Did the poor maintenance guy get fired?
    K

  2. rahinaqh says:

    lovely post….wouldn’t expect anything less inventive from you Bill:)))… and the drawing is wonderfully instinctive.

  3. suburbanlife says:

    I love this sneakily clever solution to leaving tracks that lead to the chocolatemelting reclining maintenance man. It’s a complete surprise to me that chocolate is a soporific – like Thanksgiving turkey – and surely you now are duly warned about this aspect of it. Remind me never to put a bag of unlabelled chocolate pellets into the freezer. Why, Rumpole might mistake it for a bag of peas and treat his neck to an external appplication of chocolate – a completely novel use.
    I think you are a hapless Genius – what a discovery! G

  4. A bit of a tougher challenge may have been having the tracks lead to the CEO’s desk. Interesting, very interesting.

  5. Bonnie Luria says:

    For me, you are already exonerated because as I read this, all I could think is that the gel pack of brown liquid was some kind of temporary breast implant and could hardly imagine where you were taking this story.
    So it’s already better than you thought.
    Maybe tis I who needs a keeper.
    Or it could be that I read your blog too regularly.
    As if I could stop……

    I like the gestural feeling of the drawings.

  6. You are one clever man, although I did love the suggestion of having the tracks lead to the CEO’s office. Oh well, you’re obviously new at crime, and one can’t always get it flawless the first time. Perhaps you’ll have more chances to perfect your MO.

  7. lesliepaints says:

    Nice quick gesture studies, Bill. Frozen chocolate must have killed the pain that started the whole mess! Amazing!

  8. wrjones says:

    K – I saw the guards escort the man out. I felt a slight twinge of guilt but then had a diet pepsi and was fine.

    rahinaqh – what do you mean inventive? I only narrate facts as I see them.

    suburbanlife – I love people who love sneaky solutions to avoid time on the naughty step.

    Preston – whoooo that would have been a terrific solution. I didn’t think of it in my panicked state. That way the VP would clean up the mess himself and never mention it.

    Bonnie – I’m a gentleman I would never get into the subject of womens’ breasts.

    Connie – Yes yes very new at crime. Next time I will taste the gel before laying on it.

    lesliepaints – thanks. Frozen chocolate is good for what ails you.

  9. I agree with Bonnie,Bill..but really….that poor man, how could you?LOL
    You should have at least left him the nudes. Nice lines.

  10. These are lovely drawings, Bill! More!

  11. Lori says:

    Thanks for the comment Bill, look close to the right side, there IS a palm tree!

    Nice sketch, is the one giving you the cold shoulder?

  12. wrjones says:

    Cathyann – it was him or me. Well not really me. It was him or someone else. I’ve always been adept at finger pointing; comes naturally.

    Diana – thanks. I don’t get to draw from models much anymore. There simply isn’t time. This was done in Oakland. They had an event put on quarterly by the bay area models guild. It was a large gathering. There were 4 model stands: 2 min, 5 or 10 min, 20 min, and 3 hours poses depending on the stand. There were multiple models on each stand and they moved from stand to stand. The models were fabulous and very skilled with the poses. It was great fun. I was introduced to it by Susan Cornelis (see my blog roll) and hope to do it again.

    Lori – I missed that palm tree. Eyes going bad on me. And, yes they all give me the cold shoulder.

  13. gwen bell says:

    Oh, good grief! You know,Bill, I came here to write a perfectly nice comment despite the fact that I can barely see through the tears of laughter at your previous post and now THIS! I burst out in new peals of laughter every time I think about it.

    Ok (sniff)where was I? Very nice quick sketch. I can tell from their names and modest clothing that they must be very nice young ladies.

  14. Carol King says:

    I have two words for you my friend:
    RUN
    and
    HIDE
    That admin woman is CLEARLY menopausal and YOU TOOK HER CHOCOLATE. She will find you and she will kill you. (I would)
    Who cares about getting chocolate all over the VPs sofa and office. Be afraid, be very afraid of admin woman.
    YOU HEARD IT FROM ME FIRST.

    Lovely lines on Trixie and Bubbles. I hope they are not menopausal too.

  15. wrjones says:

    Gwen – These are VERY nice ladies. Trixie and Bubbles are my imaginary girl friends. They, unlike real people, are crazy about me.

    Carol – I appreciate your concern for my well being. Trixie and Bubbles are not menopausal. They are either middle aged (12 or 13) very pre-menopausal, or my age, very post-menopausal; depending on my imagination and mood.

    Still, menopausal has its good points. I remember using my wife as a personal furnace on those cold winter nights.

  16. samartdog says:

    Our friend Jala is very generous; she gives me lots of good stuff. Dogwalks, which are steeper than therapy, her ear, which is cheaper than therapy, sessions with her dog Jazzy, which are much deeper than therapy, and the link to your blog, which makes me laugh like a crazy woman.

    P.S. Your self-deprecating art is better than you think.

  17. wrjones says:

    Smartdog – thanks. Jala if a very nice person and a good painter. She should be on her way directly to heaven if she stays away from me.

  18. samartdog says:

    Bill, you seem to think we’re smart. Though it’s tempting to go ahead and let you, you seem pretty full up with keeping things straight as it is. Sure we’re smart enough, but what we really are is Sam and her Dog, and we commit Art. Whether that’s smart or not remains to be seen. Anyway…

    not Smartdog — SAMARTDOG

    ‘Course, that might also mean Sam art a dog. My mother takes exception.

  19. Billy, you are silly. Don’t ever change!
    HA HA HA…I wonder on which end of the candle your economical nature lies! LOL

  20. Rebecca says:

    ps. never mess with peri or post menopausal women…

  21. swatch says:

    This is a very funny story – isn’t there anyone in your office who follows your blog?
    Sketches up to your usual, inspiring standard.

  22. wrjones says:

    SAMARTDOG – Where can we see the art you two create?

    Rebecca – both ends have burnt out. I really should just stay away from women altogether.

    Swatch – nope. Not a soul at the office even though I plead with them.

    • samartdog says:

      Bill—

      Here’s where me and the dog(s) are. We’ve now posted some art. Not a lot so far (more soon), cuz we been wrasslin’ with the computer. Grrrrr! Now seem to be getting a clue. Please come for a visit soon.

      Sam

  23. as long as you continue to be the president of my fan club.

  24. wrjones says:

    Rebecca – I had myself made emperor of your fan club. And with remarkably little bloodshed made it stick. Drop by the palace whenever you want to see what admirers of your work do for entertainment.

  25. zeladoniac says:

    Wonderfully funny, Bill. And aren’t you lucky it was merely chocolate? Who ever heard of a brown ice-pack?

    Thanks for the good laugh!

  26. Trixie and Bubbles are as lovely as ever. Fab sketch. Oh, and did someone mention CHOCOLATE?

  27. wrjones says:

    zeladoniac – thanks. What happened to your blog? Now I have nowhere to go look at great bird drawings. I can’t copy them if I can’t find them.

    Aletha – Trixie and Bubbles are always looking good in my imagination of the three of us on a chocolate fest holiday; where nothing on this creaky body is aching.

  28. zeladoniac says:

    WR- my blog is right here! http://drawingthemotmot.wordpress.com/
    Please come over and draw with me!
    Fun seeing what you’re doing as always.

  29. Bill, there is one little disturbing detail about this story that has me worried that you will soon be out of a job. That is, the question of what you did with your own shoes, since you’ve testified that you walked barefoot back to your own office.

    If I were you, I’d return to the scene of the crime on another Sunday and check under the couch to find them before someone else does. How you got home without your shoes, the Lord only knows.

  30. wrjones says:

    zeladoniac _ ok I put you back up. I thought I had you there before. I remember copying your guide to drawing birds.

    Diana – I read your comment and my heart stopped. I NEED this job. I must fetch those shoes. Thank you. I owe you big time. I wonder why I didn’t notice going home barefoot?

  31. For god’s sake, Bill, stop looking for ethical and moral lessons. You are WAY beyond that.

  32. Bill – Wonderful drawing – great gestures! As for the chocolate – I guess anything’s fair if you are the one facing the fury of a woman whose chocolate has been taken from her.

  33. wrjones says:

    David – WAY WAY beyond.

    Connie – Thanks.

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