I May Need A Keeper

By wr jones

Head Study 18

I’m gonna need some help.    Today in the lab I told some people I had to leave an experiment we were doing  to attend a 10 o’clock meeting.   “Well why do you have to go now?  You have 15 minutes.”   “I have to figure out how to use that meeting place software again.”   A couple of people hurt themselves as they fell off their lab chairs in laughter.   “Well, it’s pretty complicated”, I says.  “You have to punch in a lot of numbers and then you have to remember your password.  That takes me some time.”

Sure enough I pounded those numbers into the keyboard and was told it was an invalid meeting number.  I pounded the same numbers in over and over in desperation.   Expecting different results each time is truely a sign of derangement.   Finally in panic (this was an important meeting) I left my area to seek another engineer who I knew would be calling into this  meeting.   He had his headphones on and was talking.   Damn, he is already in the meeting.  I coughed to get his attention, nothing.   I coughed louder and waved my arms, nothing.  Finally I threw a staple remover at his head.   That worked.  He said, “WHAT?”   “Are you in that meeting?   I can’t get the proper ID so it doesn’t let me attend.”   “What meeting are you talking about?”, he asked.   “About the RAM.”  “That is on Wednesday, no wonder your ID doesn’t work!”  “Well, what day is today?”   “TUESDAY, you drooling twit!”  “Oh.”

I was down for the confusion for a moment then thought to myself  7 days in a week is a lot to remember and keep track of.  No use getting bothered over losing a day or two.

I left work early to get my wife a birthday present for tomorrow, her birthday, (I think).   Bought some perfume.   She doesn’t want it I know.  She told me she wanted a diamond and ruby bracelet.   Apparently she thinks I’ve been hit in the head.  Instead, I got the perfume, thereby greatly increasing my chances of actually being hit it the head.

I don’t understand this smell business.   A tiny little bottle cost the same as a much larger bottle, which costs twice as much as a larger yet amount of body cream.   They all smelled the same to me.   I like the smell.  If she doesn’t like it I will use it.   Once, getting my haircut, the lady told me I smelled femine because I smelled like vanilla.   I didn’t know there was a sex related to vanilla.   What is the difference between a male and female colone/perfume?   Is a real man suppose to smell like sweaty ox balls?   I could never get to that point.  Once I start feeling sticky I think I’m getting too much exercise and sit down for a few hours.  OK, lay down.

Well, I got the perfume and went to a card store to get the birthday card.   Picked out a card and walked back to my car on the other side of the mall.   As I’m signing the card I realize it says “Happy Anniversary” not “Happy Birthday”.  This really confused me.   I called our daughter to ask if her mom was having any type of personal event in the near future, and if so what was it.   Doggone it – it’s a birthday.   I’m not walking all the way back across that mall to exchange cards and I’m into green so I’m not throwing it away.   I crossed out the Anniversary and wrote Birthday in my neatest script, which with these shaky hands is not all that neat.   What the hell, waste not want not.

Happy Birthday, Dear.

I may be gettting a divorce tomorrow.

This entry was posted in Drawing, Humor, On Suffering, Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to I May Need A Keeper

  1. suburbanlife says:

    This was so funny, and i can so relate. But you need not worry about an impending divorce – it’s the Alzheimer’s assessment you’ll need to figure out how to beat. G

  2. donna says:

    I often just dab on some vanilla instead of perfume. Works wonders.

  3. swatch says:

    I don’t think artists are designed for the everyday world so there are bound to be situations where the engineers down there get to laugh at them. Getting the code right, even the day, is so, well, functional. This sketch is so sensitive. Very beautiful. Thanks.

  4. Well, the expression on the model here says it all, Bill.
    But I will go on anyway.:-))
    I agree with Swatch. How you ca be an engineer and an artist is amazing.
    And the way you are thinking, it sounds more like you are a retiree. Retired people don’t care what day it is, just like artists.
    HOWEVER, being a woman who also likes jewelry, I can guarantee that just because it was couched in your loquacious tonque, the fact that you glided past her request will not win any points.
    Better get some diamonds.

  5. Dawn says:

    love your sketches! Your marks are confident and loose…how long of a drawing time did you have for these? I am still going at it. How often do you get to sketch from life? I still am not where I was years ago. I am not consistent enough.
    The last sketch…she looks like she was going to fall asleep..which a lot of models do!
    Again…wonderful as usual……Eventually I’ll get there..I may be 100…but by god I’ll be there!

  6. Bonnie Luria says:

    If your wifes’ facial expression in any way resembles that of the terrific drawing above,
    you’d be better off if she yelled.
    It’s those ” I’m bored and tuning you out ” looks that are the damaging ones.
    They’re often accompanied by the all too over used expression ” WHATEVER!!”.

    However, whatever you may be forgetting, a strong composition in drawing, is not one of them.
    Nice use of the entire page.

  7. Another wonderful post! I’m sure your wife will love the perfume and aniversary card for her birthday. However, you might want to causually drop by the jewelry store and look at a diamond and ruby bracelet…just to put off the impending divorce.

  8. Rebecca says:

    Bill, I Really dig the sketch! WOW!

    I agree with everyone except on the engineer comment. My hubby is a blues guitarist, sculptor, and engineer, even though his degree was in physics. The sciences are where any parent should tell their child to look for a partner, in my skewed opinion.

    That being said, the unreachable wit of someone as intelligent and rare as yourself probably would only be amused by our requests for you to see a doctor.

    Maybe you should see a publisher, instead.
    Ps. You didn’t leave a comment about the pinups!

  9. Carol King says:

    You poor thing! How do you get through each day without seriously injuring yourself. Stick with drawing since it seems you do that really well based on the portrait of Bubbles (or is it Trixie).

    Lovely drawing.

  10. wrjones says:

    suburbanlife – I keep trying to stage my Alzheimer’s but forget where I am.

    Donna – can I nuzzle that neck? I love vanilla.

    Swatch – I think you are right. So difficult to get days and stuff like that right all the time.

    Cathyann – your poor husband. Don’t you let him slide?

    Ok Dawn, here is a secret. We stand out in the snow and draw each other nude. The first to finish gets to dress. This will increase your drawing speed.

    Bonnie – my wife goes past this directly into complete slumber.

    Connie – my wife said she liked the perfume this morning but now she is pouting. I think you are right about the diamonds.

    Rebecca – I will be right over to select my favorite pinup.

    Carol – that is the title – I NEED a caretaker. Can I move in with you. You will have to come get me I will get lost otherwise.

  11. Sweaty ox-balls. Exact.

    Oh, I linked to your blog today. I’m sending all those who search for “naked women on boats” to you, Bill.

    Hello, also, to Mrs. Bill and Happy Birthday.


  12. What was I thinking?? Duh. I forgot to say, the drawing is super!

    But she needs a boat.

  13. I’ll bet your wife is a keeper!!!

    Beautiful drawing again, Bill!

  14. wrjones says:

    Aletha – thanks. I’ve added 10 more people to handle the traffic I’m getting from your post.

    Marian – thanks. You have it right; my wife is a keeper, I should be thrown back to grow up.

  15. I am a huge fan of the vanilla. ;)

  16. wrjones says:

    Shayna – I will rub a little of this vanilla wafer cookie on me and give you a call. Say, how did you do in that foot race?

  17. Barbara Pask says:

    Hi there Bill, I love your posts, makes my life seem simple. At least your wife is getting a gift and a card. Today is our anniversary, he did go buy donuts this morning and write Happy Anniversary on the bag. Wonderful sketch!

  18. Well, I guess that would be me, then!

  19. Karen Bruson says:

    Bill, Really nice line drawings. Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog.

  20. Bill, what fascinating eyes! can’t wait to see your next drawing. . . Holly

  21. wrjones says:

    Barbara – you must be crazy in love with a man that thoughtful and who also fly fishes.

    Rebecca – you are my favorite everything.

    Karen – thanks. I commented on your graveyard piece but really I identify more with the man in the hammock.

    Holly – will you model for me? Say, where is my surprise from digger land?

  22. Bill,
    Your wife is more likely to bang you on the head for your beautiful drawing of this luscious woman! How are you going to explain that to her???
    As for the rubies, just get the manufactured ones – apparently even the jewellers have a difficulty in telling them apart. If you get her one of those bracelets where you can add a gem every year, she might stay with you despite your susceptibility to romantic smoky fires and the occasional daily lapse into alcoholic stupor.
    Mind you, she has perfume this year, so this could be good planning for next year and every year after. You’d never have to think up a present again.

  23. Jala Pfaff says:

    “Sweaty ox balls”-Ewwwww!

    Gorgeous drawing, very soft and pensive feel to it.

    I’m afraid you have no excuse about not being able to keep track of all the days of the week. Memory research shows that we can retain seven things in our minds at once.

  24. Bill, I shall happily anticipate the vanilla. :)

    Oh, and I kicked ass, of course. ::shrug::

  25. wrjones says:

    K – thanks for the advice. I like that description, “the occasional daily lapse”.

    Jala – remember (if you can) that bell curve. In the middle they can remember all seven days. On the right hand side they can remember up to 9 days of the week. Over on the left with my lot, I can sometimes remember Wednesday.

    Shayna – wow – that shrug says it all. It is really inspiring to know a nearly world famous but modest athlete.

  26. Kelley says:

    OMG, if the art thing doesn’t work out, you could always make a living in comedy! I just landed on your blog, and have been laughing myself dizzy – mostly because this is how I LIVE MY LIFE. I blame Art. Whoever he is.

    Seriously, I’ve done the birthday/anniversary thing, the meeting thing, taken my kids out of school for doctors appointments that were hours earlier than we showed up… as my mom would have said ‘You’re just special.’ But keep drawing, anyway… your drawings and paintings are great!

  27. Irene Rencsi says:

    Hi Bill:
    Beautiful Drawing! and really enjoyed your story. Just writing to let you know that it was a glitch in the universe that caused your Tuesday problem…same thing happened to me. Went to a Tuesday meeting….long drive on Monday and wondered why the guy wasn’t there. Went back again on Tuesday…and then skipped Wednesday and went straight to Thursday. Those weeks with too many Tuesdays can really mess with you. :)

  28. Irene Rencsi says:

    …. just got an important message from your blog

    “duplicate comment, looks like you’ve already said that”

    I did?

  29. wrjones says:

    Kelly – We may be meant for each other. I have driven 40 miles to class at UCLA on a Thursday. Wondered why the parking structures were all empty; Thanksgiving!

    Irene – We may be meant for each other too. What the devil is with that Tuesday? Never mind that warning. Anything you say is worth repeating.

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