By wr jones
I’m gonna need some help. Today in the lab I told some people I had to leave an experiment we were doing to attend a 10 o’clock meeting. “Well why do you have to go now? You have 15 minutes.” “I have to figure out how to use that meeting place software again.” A couple of people hurt themselves as they fell off their lab chairs in laughter. “Well, it’s pretty complicated”, I says. “You have to punch in a lot of numbers and then you have to remember your password. That takes me some time.”
Sure enough I pounded those numbers into the keyboard and was told it was an invalid meeting number. I pounded the same numbers in over and over in desperation. Expecting different results each time is truely a sign of derangement. Finally in panic (this was an important meeting) I left my area to seek another engineer who I knew would be calling into this meeting. He had his headphones on and was talking. Damn, he is already in the meeting. I coughed to get his attention, nothing. I coughed louder and waved my arms, nothing. Finally I threw a staple remover at his head. That worked. He said, “WHAT?” “Are you in that meeting? I can’t get the proper ID so it doesn’t let me attend.” “What meeting are you talking about?”, he asked. “About the RAM.” “That is on Wednesday, no wonder your ID doesn’t work!” “Well, what day is today?” “TUESDAY, you drooling twit!” “Oh.”
I was down for the confusion for a moment then thought to myself 7 days in a week is a lot to remember and keep track of. No use getting bothered over losing a day or two.
I left work early to get my wife a birthday present for tomorrow, her birthday, (I think). Bought some perfume. She doesn’t want it I know. She told me she wanted a diamond and ruby bracelet. Apparently she thinks I’ve been hit in the head. Instead, I got the perfume, thereby greatly increasing my chances of actually being hit it the head.
I don’t understand this smell business. A tiny little bottle cost the same as a much larger bottle, which costs twice as much as a larger yet amount of body cream. They all smelled the same to me. I like the smell. If she doesn’t like it I will use it. Once, getting my haircut, the lady told me I smelled femine because I smelled like vanilla. I didn’t know there was a sex related to vanilla. What is the difference between a male and female colone/perfume? Is a real man suppose to smell like sweaty ox balls? I could never get to that point. Once I start feeling sticky I think I’m getting too much exercise and sit down for a few hours. OK, lay down.
Well, I got the perfume and went to a card store to get the birthday card. Picked out a card and walked back to my car on the other side of the mall. As I’m signing the card I realize it says “Happy Anniversary” not “Happy Birthday”. This really confused me. I called our daughter to ask if her mom was having any type of personal event in the near future, and if so what was it. Doggone it – it’s a birthday. I’m not walking all the way back across that mall to exchange cards and I’m into green so I’m not throwing it away. I crossed out the Anniversary and wrote Birthday in my neatest script, which with these shaky hands is not all that neat. What the hell, waste not want not.
Happy Birthday, Dear.
I may be gettting a divorce tomorrow.