You are not going to believe this! After 30 years of marriage my wife asked me to do something around the house. Ya I’m worried, she must have been hit in the head. I haven’t done a lick of work in 30 years.
At first I thought I wasn’t hearing right. I replaced the batteries on my Bose BoomBlaster hearing aid, but couldn’t tell any difference. This whole thing is so unsettling I’m looking for a new wife.
Here is something I quickly learned – women don’t seem to like the direct approach. Based on my past experience I figured I would have better luck if I popped the question before they had a chance to know me. At random I asked the first three females (of the appropriate age of course) I met if they would marry me. Hard to believe but they all turned me down. What’s more, and this is the strange part, all three had the same look of incredulity.
After watching those ads for blissed out couples meeting on the internet I decided to give it a try. This has to be the place to find a wife who expects very little or next to nothing of me. I went for honesty semi-honesty outright lies in my description of myself. Well, what did you expect? I need some hope of success.
I was astounded how quickly I received a reply to my photo of a taller and younger Brad Pitt. I accepted the offer of a date for dinner before I realized the potential problem of a reality check by the woman. I arrived at the restaurant early and set the stack of phone books in the booth for me to sit on. I looked a lot taller. What to do about the hair? I’ve got it, chemo. Yes, I’ve had a small bout with cancer but my father, Donald Trump, was able to get me the best possible care. You can see the direction I’m headed here. The bare minimum of falsehoods.
When she approached the booth I tried to stand to greet her but couldn’t as my legs were dangling and didn’t reach the floor. Still, I did look tall sitting there. I opened the conversation with a sure winner, “Hi, baby, nice to meet you. Say, how much credit card debt are you carrying?” This let her know I was a serious suitor and let me know if I had a future source of art supplies.
I spent the next three hours in worldly repartee. I asked such witty questions as, “If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?” “If I stop at your door on a Saturday morning at 6:30am, what kind of a fun day would you have planned for us?” ” We are on our third date and I ask you for a kiss; what’s my chances?” “What kind of car do you drive?” “Do you floss every day?” “Is your moma fat?” “Say we were at a family Thanksgiving dinner, would it be ok for me to hit on your sister?” Stuff like that. Normal date questions that let her know you are like a worldly Frenchman.
When the bill came she took it pretty good that I didn’t have a dime. It was like she was not at all surprised. I tried to kiss her goodnight outside the restaurant but she collasped in a fit of violent vomiting. I was a little surprised; didn’t think a single glass of bottled water could do that to a person.
I emailed her how much I enjoyed the evening. I didn’t hold it against her that she told me I looked like a fool on that stack of phone books. I expected she wanted to have me over to her place for dinner the next night.
That was 4 months ago. Haven’t heard back from her yet. I’m sure she will contact me soon.