You are not going to believe this!   After 30 years of marriage my wife asked me to do something around the  house.   Ya I’m worried, she must have been hit in the head.  I haven’t done a lick of work in 30 years.

At first I thought I wasn’t hearing right.  I replaced the batteries on my Bose BoomBlaster hearing aid, but couldn’t tell any difference.   This whole thing is so unsettling I’m looking for a new wife.

Here is something I quickly learned – women don’t seem to like the direct approach.   Based on my past experience I figured I would have better luck if I popped the question before they had a chance to know me.   At random I asked the first three females (of the appropriate age of course) I met if they would marry me.   Hard to believe but they all turned me down.  What’s more, and this is the strange part, all three had the same look of incredulity.

After watching those ads for blissed out couples meeting on the internet I decided to give it a try.    This has to be the place to find a wife who expects very little or next to nothing of me.   I went for honesty semi-honesty outright lies in my description of myself.   Well, what did you expect?   I need some hope of success.

I was astounded how quickly I received a reply to my photo of a taller and younger Brad Pitt.   I accepted the offer of a date for dinner before I realized the potential problem of a reality check by the  woman.   I arrived at the restaurant early and set the stack of phone books in the booth for me to sit on.   I looked a lot taller.   What to do about the hair?   I’ve got it, chemo.   Yes, I’ve had a small bout with cancer but my father, Donald Trump, was able to get me the best possible care.  You can see the direction I’m headed here.  The bare minimum of falsehoods.

When she approached the booth I tried to stand to greet her but couldn’t as my legs were dangling and didn’t reach the floor.    Still, I did look tall sitting there.   I opened the conversation with a sure winner, “Hi, baby, nice to meet you.   Say, how much credit card debt are you carrying?”   This let her know I was a serious suitor and let me know if I had a future source of art supplies.

I spent the next three hours in worldly repartee.   I asked such witty questions as, “If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?”   “If I stop at your door on a Saturday morning at 6:30am, what kind of a fun day would you have planned for us?”  ” We are on our third date and I ask you for a kiss; what’s my chances?”  “What kind of car do you drive?”  “Do you floss every day?”  “Is your moma fat?”   “Say we were at a family Thanksgiving dinner, would it be ok for me to hit on your sister?”   Stuff like that.  Normal date questions that let her know you are like a worldly Frenchman.

When the bill came she took it pretty good that I didn’t have a dime.   It was like she was not at all surprised.   I tried to kiss her goodnight outside the restaurant but she collasped in a fit of violent vomiting.   I was a little surprised; didn’t think a single glass of bottled water could do that to a person.

I emailed her how much I enjoyed the evening.  I didn’t hold it against her that she told me I looked like a fool on that stack of phone books.  I expected she wanted to have me over to her place for dinner the next night.

That was 4 months ago.  Haven’t heard back from her yet.   I’m sure she will contact me soon.

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22 Responses to Dating

  1. rahinaqh says:

    Bill, have a cup of tea and some toast… guess you going to have to make it yourself:)

  2. Does your wife read your blog? That woman must be a saint!! (LOL)

  3. Erin M says:

    If at first you don’t succeed…try try again. ;-)

  4. wrjones says:

    Rahina – sigh. Thanks for pointing that out.

    Marian – I don’t believe she does. She is saint which gives me special status as a saint’s spouse. I’m going directly to heaven where all my paintings will be beautiful and I won’t get any paint on my new shirts.

    Erin – I like that encouragement – that is what makes you such a good teacher! I think you should bring cupcakes and we can have a date by those tables near the pool. I have some great stories.

  5. Must have been the phone books. You were too tall. Next time try a couple JC Penney catalogs.

    (Any chance your wife will take you back? It’s good to have a Plan B.)

    (Shhhh, strictly entre nous, don’t want to cause any alarm, but there’s a fabulous drawing of a naked woman at the top of your blog. Might want to get her out of sight before the wife and/or girlfriends show up.)

  6. gypsy-heart says:

    Very nice drawing, wrj. Is that your date? :)

  7. wrjones says:

    Aletha – you may have it. I was too tall. I will give the catalogs a try. You don’t think I need to modify my conversation any do you?

    gypsy-heart – alas she was not my date. I did ask my date (after a very discreet 15 minute wait from the time we first met) if I might have the tiniest peek at her boobs to see if I would like to draw them. A real unusual woman that one. She stayed around to talk a bit longer after hitting me. My experience has always been they turn around and stomp off after clobbering me.

  8. Lori says:

    Its got to be the phone books, they just don’t do a thing for women. I don’t even want to look at mine or be reminded of them. You need elevator shoes, nobody can tell that you aren’t tall then.

    Nicely done drawing, but what is she looking at? Could it be those phone books?

  9. Carol King says:

    I am still stuck on the first four sentences. YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE IN 30 YEARS? I can’t believe your lovely wife hasn’t kicked your butt out on the lawn right on top of your phone books.

    Your wife is most certainly a saint. I never learned about the status of a saint’s spouse in Catholic school. I do not think you you get any special dispensation for being married to a saint. I believe *SHE* gets extra points for being married to you though.

    Nice drawing.

  10. InkSplodge! says:

    This drawing is amazing – I just adore it. What did you use – is it charcoal? Can’t concentrate on all that guff you’ve written for focusing on your beautiful, accurate lines. Beneath all that insane waffle, you’re a really, really excellent artist Mr. Jones, sir. Wow!

  11. Nava says:

    Must have been a serious food poisoning if she hasn’t recovered from it by now; I mean, what other explanation is there for her lack of response to such a witty worldly suave suitor?

    Love the form and freshness in this drawing!

  12. wrjones says:

    Lori – I got the shoes. Thanks for the tip. My ankles are a little wobbly but I’m sure I will get the hang of it. Also, all my pants now look like pedal pushers. Do you think the women will mind?

    Carol – you were not paying attention in school. A saint’s spouse gets full rights for direct ascension to that big bright studio in the sky. She will be rewarded with a mop that lasts for eternity. No more dull shopping trips to Wal Mart.

    InkSplodge – I don’t remember what I drew it with but I think is was one of those small sepia sticks.
    Guff? While I did change the names to protect the innocent, those questions were actually asked of a woman on an internet arranged date. Just not exactly by me. I personally would not be able to come up with such clever conversation.

    Nava – I think you are right. She must be very ill. I will send her a get well email. I would call but she gave me the same 555-1234 phone number that I have always received from my other dates.

  13. Lori says:

    Bill of course the women won’t mind. But don’t call em pedal pushers, they are capris. You can always sew some sort of trim on the pants hems too, rick-rack or pom-poms should do nicely.

  14. Rebecca says:

    Perhaps the next date will go well. Try putting an ad in the paper saying you like Pina Coladas and walks in the rain, and making love at midnite in the dunes on the cape…see if you’re wife shows up. If she does, then you had better do something around the house.

  15. wrjones says:

    Lori – Nice touch. I will super glue some pom-poms on my capris.

    Rebecca – I’m certain my next date will be smooth as silk. I have learned not to say as I open the car door for the first time, “get in and take off your clothes, ain’t you ever been on a date before?”

  16. Rebecca says:

    Better be careful with that question. If she says, “Well, YEA! My cousin showed me how!” (quietly shut the door and drive away.

  17. wrjones says:

    Rebecca – I really appreciate the down to earth, everyday type of valuable advice.

  18. Wonderful figure drawing, Bill. I’m guessing this is one of your works?

    Funny comment from Lori, BTW. The suggestion of an addition of pom-poms to the bottom of your short pants made me laugh out loud. You could also add some to a hat brim, and have quite a dashing outfit. Add a cape and what woman could resist. Maybe your wife would even go for it.

    Pedal-pushers is a term I haven’t heard since about the sixth grade but some of us do remember!

  19. wrjones says:

    Connie – thanks. Great complement coming from you.

  20. Don Gray says:

    This is a beautiful drawing, Bill.

  21. Jala Pfaff says:

    With an amazing drawing like that, she should come back begging to sit near you on your phone books!!

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