By W.R. Jones
I watched an ad on TV that pointed out “Real” men drink a certain type of vodka. The ad showed 4 men, all with stubble, drinking or just hanging out. The narrative pointed out that men don’t drink from flowered glasses. They drink from plain glass. It didn’t say if it was ok for the glass to be cut crystal. I’m guessing here that it would be more manly to drink from an old grape jelly jar.
All the actors (are actors real men?) had a noticeable stubble. This must be part of being a man as well. In my ignorance I assumed they must only work every third day as they shave and wait for just the right jaw shadow. I kinda like the idea of only working every third day. Someone burst my bubble when they told me you could get a razor that was height adjustable just like a lawn mower. Shoot, that means you can look like a wino bum each and every day of the week. I wonder if you can get them self propelled or do you have to push them?
Well, since I know those people on TV would not try to mislead me, I’m pouring out my drink from my ornately flowered sissy cup and into a rusty empty Alpo can (I think that should be more manly than glass). Being ever alert for the chance to advance science, I’m measuring my balls after drinking from my sissy glass then again after drinking from the Alpo can. I want to see if I can get to be more manly by not shaving and drinking from cheap containers.
The rotgut I drink already puts hair on my chest, but I don’t know if that qualifies as being manly. I’ll keep drinking out of the rusty can ’til my nuts clang when I walk. That should be manly enough to get me into the wrestling matches.