By W.R. Jones, Painting by Erika Jones
I was in an AT&T store the other day to see about a phone cover when I started looking at phones. There was a paper on a table that showed fancy phones for free, or $30, or $100, etc. AFTER rebate. You paid $300 at the counter and then if you were relentless enough to pursue it you could get some of your money back in six months.
This is, of course, theft on a grand scale. Many people don’t get the required paperwork in and get nothing back. Even if you do get the rebate it is months later. Thus you have loaned these giant companies your money at 0 percent interest for 6 months.
If I were king – I would make our congressmen, lawyers, corporate executives, and the assholes who came up with this concept pay 100 times the cost of everything they buy. Then, if they were willing to fill in the paperwork and wait, they could get some of their money back. So for them a roll of toilet paper on sale for $0.19 would be $19 at the counter.
Still, this is clearly an enriching business model. So, I have decided offer breast augumentation implants for $17 …… AFTER rebate. You pay $25,000 and send in the box tops your new breasts came in (assuming you survive the surgery). I can offer this special deal because I haven’t pissed away a lot of money getting a license or FDA approval for my saline implants.
My implants are ziploc bags filled with tap water and Morton salt. On the box I clearly state not to jump up and down as the zip might not hold and your new breasts will show up somewhere around your ankles.
Be the first on your block to have a sandwich bag chest to show the world under your new swim suit.