Bugs – A Conspiracy

By W R Jones

Turn In The Road

    Did you ever want to dip your spouse into a vat of boiling oil?   Ya, me too.  One Friday evening my wife told me she was going to go shopping the  next day with a new friend.   The new friend had a husband.  He would be spending the day with me.  Huh?  Why?  He has some sort of electronic device that doesn’t work and since you are an engineer, I told them you  could probably fix it.

    Son-of-a-bitch;  maybe I should volunteer your services to iron for a family of 18.   The friend was a beautiful Mexican woman.  She had married a gringo when he came to Mexico to find a wife.   The man was a big fellow.  An owner of a gym he was a body builder.   He was/is proof positive that working out the body does not help functioning of the brain whatsoever.   Apparently he had to go to Mexico to find a wife because if the woman spoke ANY English she would recognize a total loser the moment he opened his mouth. 

    He sat at the kitchen table and put a bread box sized device on the table in front of him.   He looked at me a moment then,  “I’m going to have to ask you to keep this conversation a secret.”   “No problem, no-one has shown any interest in my conversations since I was born.”

    “I have a device that very few are allowed to own.   They did a background check on me before I was allowed to purchase it.”   “What is it?”   “You take a picture of a field and put the photo in my device and it sends out signals that kill all the bugs in the area.”   “Really?”   “Yes, the reason only a select group can own it is because you could use it to kill people.   If you take a photo of a person in Las Vegas and put it in this box that person  will die.”

    Oh, my Lord, I’m sitting across from a very large whacko.  Is he going to kill me or just ask me to invest?   I asked him how much he paid for such a wonderful instrument.   $5000, was his answer.   Then I ask has he tried it and did it work?   He  replied it did not work.   No shit?   For $5000 you  would expect it to work.   Why don’t you just ask for your money back.   He couldn’t do that for some dumb reason or other.   He wanted me to fix it. 

    What he had was an ordinary amplifier, albiet an expensive one.   When I tried to explain this would not work his answer was that I was one of those “science” guys who didn’t understand.   So I  say, hey if you bought a car and it didn’t work wouldn’t you take it back to the dealer?   Yes, but this was a special case and only special people were allowed to buy (read only simple minded idiots).  

    I wondered out loud why such an incredible boon to farming and mankind had not been announced on TV.  A conspiracy was his reply.   The insecticde manufacturers pay off the media and government.   Well, nuts, this was going to be a long day.

    He left at the end of the day convinced, I’m sure, that I was one of those “science” types who could not repair a real instrument if his life depended on it.   

    Time passed and I got an opportunity to talk alone with his wife.   I was able to get a confession out of her that she realized he was an idiot but she wanted the green card enough to put up with it, for awhile anyway.

    And me – I’m out it the back yard taking pictures.    I will give it another try to see if I can rid myself of these pesky mosquitoes.   Maybe you just need to turn it to face Mecca.

This entry was posted in Humor, Landscape, On Suffering, Painting, Plein Air. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Bugs – A Conspiracy

  1. Angela says:

    Wow. Well, it wasn’t a total waste of a day – it made for a great story. (But remind me never to tell you a secret!) =)

  2. Carol King says:

    OMG! WTF!!! This story cracked me up. That bonehead is too much. Can you ask him if I can borrow his contraption? I want to take a few pictures of people at work.

    Lovely painting. I love paintings with roads in them.

  3. lori says:

    I like the painting, looks like the last vacation we went on. I was trying to figure out what the gps was talking about on this curvy road in the middle of nowhere we had been on for hours.

    Too bad I wasn’t there, I could have sold him my gps too. We would have said his machine needed to see where the bugs were and the gps will show the machine this. Those a-holes sold him an incomplete device. For the paltry sum of another $5000. we will sell him the special gps complete with the Spanish manual. His wife can translate it for him. We will first need to perform a security check on him as well, need his mother’s maiden name, etc. etc.

    For another few grand we will assemble it for him. You can attach a little air horn on there that will squeal loudly. Of course he must be very careful he doesn’t harm himself so he must not blow it without ear and body protection. We can catch some bugs in a clear box and spray them with a little Raid to show it all works.

  4. Rebecca says:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! OMG!! roflmao!

    My hubby is a science guy. Thank God for science guys. He needed to light the charcoal and the lighter didn’t work.
    I say, “Yea, it’s broken.”
    “Why didn’t you throw it away?” he retorts

    So, he looks at it for a sec, determines that the fluid is not able to hit mechanism, proceeds to take off the silver piece that wraps around the front. There you can see where the plastic thumb thing lifts up a valve on the lighter stem that lets out the butane. He then grabbed a dime out of his pocket and shoved it underneath where the plastic piece connected to the stem which turned on the gas, proceeded to light it as normal and then pulled the dime out…

    Thank God for MacGiver-ing science guys!

    Ps. nice painting!

  5. He sounds like Dale on King of the Hill. Dale is always believing in some conspiracy or other. If you don’t watch it, you should. It just nails every sub culture around. *nice landscape–love the colors

  6. wrjones says:

    Angela – come on, you can share with me, I won’t tell a soul.

    Carol send me a photo of your back yard. I will get rid of the bugs. Make damn sure your dog and husband are not in the photo.

    Lori – I like your thinking – A LOT.

    Becca – Adopted a nerd – good for you.

    Connie – there is a certain mentality that sees conspiracy in everything. That is how they explain failure, and in this case pissing away their money.

  7. Rebecca says:

    Oh yea, Bill. I have always gravitated to smart people who are able and willing to do all that I can’t or wont do! It works out for me!

    I wonder if he filled up my tank this morning?

  8. So I’m confused. Is it your wife or her friend’s husband that you think belongs in the vat of boiling oil? I guess you’re banking on the other guy not reading your blog, since I do remember mention of body building. Now I’m going to lose sleep worrying about your safety. WEll, you’re due to come painting with me again, so if you need a quick getaway, there’s always northern California. . .

  9. Jala Pfaff says:

    Maybe if you fix it really well, it can beam him back to the mother ship.

  10. wrjones says:

    Becca – If you’re happy I’m happy.

    Susan – My wife belongs in vat for sticking me with Mr Science. I don’t think he can read. I’ll be up there soon. Don’t you have something on June 20th? I’m looking for a paint outing followed by wine.

  11. gypsy-heart says:

    Finally had a minute to visit some sites.
    I really like all your latest pieces…I especially find the freshness of it appealing!

    I see you still have a fresh mouth too! eh, eh

    ta, ta for now.

  12. wrjones says:

    Gypsy-heart – so nice to have you drop by. Hope all is well with you.

  13. Wow, Bill… you sure know how to make up funny stories. This would make a great skit. Thanks for the serotinin lift.

  14. wrjones says:

    Diana – I know this seems a bit over the top but this is a true story. None of the conversation is made up.

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