By W.R. Jones


    This jacket is the color of my skin getting out of the pool last night.   Jeeeesussss it is cold when you get out of the water at night with the wind whipping across the pool deck.  

    I was going to write about my suffering but after reading Lisa’s last post, I really can’t compete.  That woman will do anything for a story. 

    The class wasn’t too awfully bad not counting the incident where both calfs cramped at the same time.  Very hard to undo the cramps in the water when you can’t straighten your legs to touch bottom and you are not flexible enough to straighten them by hand.

   Ok, it was a little humiliating when the instructor said  shouted,  “Will one of you ladies please tow BILL to the side before he drowns?”

   I was considering a strong drink when I got home to loosen up those tight calf muscles when memory of the suffering of others came flooding back.   Namely, I can’t seem to hold my liquor.   Here are a few examples in case any of you would like to invite me over for a Super Bowl party:

       1.   My senior year in high school I was living with a family in Illinois.  New home, new carpet.  They went out Friday night and I decided to drink.  Started in on the scotch which I could only keep down by taking a shot then eating a cracker.   Apparently I passed out falling and breaking the coffee table then hurling on the new carpet.    I woke up the next day with a huge hangover and the man telling me he had cleaned the carpet and turned on some heat lamps to dry the spots.  He wanted me to shut off the lamps when the carpet was dry.  I next awoke to the smell of burning carpet.   They were somewhat put out with me – really surprised I’m still alive.  

      2.  In the navy on a blind date in San Francisco, blind drunk I guess.  At least I wasn’t driving.   We picked up my date and I threw up on her lap as she sat in the car.   Don’t remember the rest of the date.  I’m just guessing here, you understand, but I don’t think she had that much fun.

      3.  In the navy off a ship to a ship mate’s house for a weekend.   New sofa – new as in delivered that day.  Yep, you guessed it.  Perfect opportunity to throw up.   The man says and I quote, “Oh don’t worry, I will take care of it.  You must feel terrible, go lay down over there.”   I sort of remember his wife saying something like, “What the fuck is wrong with you bringing some fool like this to our home?   I’m going to kill him.  The sofa is ruined, a little blood won’t matter now.”   I don’t recall ever being invited back.  Of course, my memory isn’t so good anymore.  We were probably best of friends.

    I don’t drink like that anymore, at least not for the past week or so.

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18 Responses to Cold

  1. Rhonda says:

    Bill, I love love love this portrait. The black hair against that cool icy turquoise top is gorgeous. The story – well, I feel much like drinking today after several small inconveniences throughout the week have made me want to hurl something, one way or another!
    BTW, the little boys in the droopy drawers painting – that had to be a self-portrait of you as the kid in front, right? Getting in trouble even then!

  2. Jala Pfaff says:

    “The sofa is ruined, a little blood won’t matter”-hahahahaha!!! I really like the portrait. Nice composition, with much of it quiet space.

  3. Carol King says:

    Beautiful painting. Is that your wife? I’m freezing just looking at her.

    I agree with Rhonda, love the dark hair with the icy blue. Brrrrrrr.

    Beside painting, you seem to be really good at barfing. And ruining home decor. Remind me about that if I ever inadvertently invite you over for a drink.

  4. I don’t trust people that don’t drink, so ur alrite in my bouk, Bill! I dun’t no ifyaknow this, billbut I”m on mi thurd matiinee as i rite theez wruds.

  5. wrjones says:

    Rhonda – thanks. It is not a self portrait but could be in terms of trouble making.

    Jala – thanks.

    Carol – This is not my wife. She was on the staff of a property management company where I live. I don’t remember her name so I called her Sharon when I put her painting on my portrait site. I have about 5 others I don’t remember names for. I didn’t want a series Unknown_1,…,Unknown_n so I’m making up names.

    David – you hold your drink ever bit as good as I do.

  6. Dawn says:

    Thank you for the laugh! Oh My Gosh!! Hope you’ve gotten better about holding your liquor!#$%^& I give you lots of credit for going to class with your wife. I think it’s great. Shows your open minded! My husband wouldn’t.

    What can I say…you ALWAYS do beautiful work!!!

    If you were from Illinois then you know how cold it is here…so if you were able to even get in a pool you were blessed!

  7. 100swallows says:

    I never saw such a masochist, Bill. Swimming pools are terrible places. Turkish baths are what you need. Do girls swim topless in you public swimming pools there?

  8. Lovely portrait Bill.

    Can’t say the same for your choice of topics to share with us.

  9. wrjones says:

    Dawn – Thanks. Yep, had the cold of Iowa and Illinois. Don’t want it anymore. Don’t know if it is open minded or empty headed.

    100swallows – Lordy, I don’t want to think of that lot of water buffalo in topless attire. I don’t think they are all to keen to see me in speedos either.

    Diana – Thanks. Now, don’t be judgemental. Ok, I do behave like a complete idiot at the top of his game. But think of it, I have never said anything about yanking old posts from the ground.

  10. Rebecca says:

    You’re still doing the water class? HA HA HA
    good for you.

    I once was out with friends at a Mexican restaurant and karaoke bar, and was so drunk that I scooted to the bathroom and in perfect order, projectile vomited into the toilet from at least a couple of yards away and then, without missing a beat, turned around and went out to sing a song. I remember that, but the song.

  11. kimiam says:

    Bill, we need to see pictures of you in your bathingsuit by the pool to get a clear picture of what your swimming class is like.

  12. wrjones says:

    Rebecca – I’m starting to like the water class. It is a very good workout to not touch bottom for 40 minutes while you do various arm and leg exercises. Of course, I do touch bottom as soon as the instructor’s back is turned. I’ve never been a stickler for an honest workout.

    In regards to your toilet manners, I think you showed real class – I would have used someone in the audience.

    Kimiam – You first. I’m not sure they have a shutter speed fast enough; hard to hold my stomach in for more than a millisecond. I suppose I could do it if I turned the lights low and used a body double (I might need a triple).

  13. Rebecca says:

    I think I need to do this. I have one repaired shoulder, but the other one is torn now, and I have been experiencing very intense pain…ugg!!! time to find a pool, maybe.

  14. wrjones says:

    Rebecca –

    I’ve got a shoulder injury (cause by the gym). It has been slowly getting better. The water class caused it to ache for a while but I think overall it is a good rehab program.

    In the class they do exercise where you keep both feet out of the water in front of you and paddle across the pool feet first; then backwards to return. A variation is feet out in back without kicking and moving back and forth across the pool with only arms/shoulders.

    Then the treading give a good workout to the thighs. Hard to tread water for very long with out a combination of condition and technique. I’m all fired up to learn the technique used by water polo players.

  15. kevmoore says:

    Bill, as I read of your series of disasters, I began to see a pattern emerging…perhaps it would be prudent to carry your own bucket around with you? Think of the benefits – you wouldn’t get thrown out of homes where you were staying, you might even make it to that all-important second date, but thirdly, if the blind date isn’t all she’s cracked up to be, you can cover her head with the bucket. This is free advice, I’m here all week.

  16. wrjones says:

    Kev – I am thrice blessed to have you as a mentor. What sage counsel. Just a guess here, but based on my past experience I may need some future advice.

  17. Bill, you really did capture the cold in this one. what a striking portrait! Holly

  18. wrjones says:

    Holly – Thanks. That is the kind of comment I normally have to pay Lisa to fake.

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