Bernie Madoff Sent Me This


      Not really. I found this gem in the Goodwill Store a few weeks ago. I paid $100 for it and couldn’t believe my good fortune. It is an actual oil painting on board. The frame alone is worth more than that. It looks very old masters, but it is a new painting. I don’t think it is a ‘copy’ of a painting though because of things like the small skull–perhaps a ‘new’ toy.  Back in the 1500’s these were called “vanitas” paintings. They were about the passage of time. I love being transported in time backward or forward by looking at a painting. Same holds true about films.

       In fact, I have a confession to make. I prefer to go to movies alone. There are many reasons why. For starters, I like to sit in the back row so no one can sit behind me and annoy me. I don’t want to have to be polite and pretend like a moviemates opinion matters in seat selection. I am very stealth about exactly which seat position I take in the back depending on who and where the people immediately in front of me are. I hate to profile, but I can spot a talker in one glance and I start sizing them up in the ticket line. The very best possible seat is one seat in, and then distribute coat, extra shirt, purse, popcorn and drink as far as you can down the aisle telling people they are saved.   Then, if someone sits in front of you you can adjust. Sometimes you have to pretend like you are getting disgusted that your friends aren’t showing up. It also works to tell people the seats in front of you are wet. In fact take a bottle of water if you need to. Isolate, isolate, isolate. Very key to excellent movie going.

       I get so excited when the movie comes up. Just me and my popcorn. If I go with someone, I hear every kernel they crunch, every time they reach into the bag for more. It is louder to my ears than the movie itself and I want to snatch the bag out of their hands. Which brings me to another point. If you go alone, your moviemate will not be embarrassed when you get up and complain to the management about the sound, and how the theater is contributing to hearing loss. Alone, you will not be interrupted by your annoying moviemate making frivolous comments like “If Tom Cruise is such a good actor, how come he can’t do a German accent?”, even if you are thinking the same thing.

       Let’s say you go to a movie with someone. The movie really sucks, and you get up and leave. This can really annoy and worry your moviemate and will require some backpedaling and groveling on your part, and I assure you regret sets in that you were not alone on that one.

       All you single people out there who feel sorry for yourselves, take advantage and go to the movies. Try all my tips. You never know, you might meet someone else doing the same thing. Just make sure it’s on the way OUT.

This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Still Life, Tips, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Bernie Madoff Sent Me This

  1. Lisa – you really struck a nerve with this one. When I was maried the first time my husband spent many months over seas (ha ha ha – which is why he’s my ex-husband. When the cats away the mouse gets all dressed up and goes dancing…)
    Anyway – I used to love to go to the movies and very often I would run into someone I knew and they felt pity for me and would insist I sit with them…
    I appreciated thier kindness but I hated it. It was so hard to find a way to say “No thanks I prefer being alone”. It was so awful that I would often hide in the bathroom if I saw a familiar face and then sneak in when the lights went down.

  2. It is an interesting piece; what is the size?

    I guess I’ve been on the wrong aisles at the Goodwill. Do I really believe you got this there and that you paid 100 bucks for it?

    That’s the trouble with pathological lying.

    I did laugh at your plan for enjoying a movie in peace. What happened to decent manners in our society? You know, like not talking during a public movie?

  3. lbtowers says:

    The size is 14″ x 18″. And no, REALLY. You can’t believe a word BILL says, but me, I am all truth. Well almost all. But I swear to you, I paid $99.99 for that beauty. The Goodwill had the sense enough to have it behind the counter. I was very entertained when the cashier told me that I might want to take the painting out of the frame and put something “more feminine” in it!

  4. Tony Peters says:

    What a bargain! It’s a beautiful piece.

  5. wrjones says:

    This is a wonderful post to show the world what I have to put up with. There is nothing quite like hanging with an edgy woman who will throw a skillet at you for daring to bite down on a popcorn kernal.

    I say we should have a benefit concert to aid your family – they have to deal with you DAILY!

  6. kimiam says:

    /me crunches her popcorn.

  7. I’m really glad you mentioned that you love being transported in time backward and forward by a painting…to me, that’s one of the great things that art can do for us, spur our imaginations…also, your comment about the salesperson recommending you put a more feminine picture in the frame brings me back to my first experience in art school shopping for painting brushes with a friend and the salesperson recommended that “girls usually like to paint with smaller brushes…” That feels like approximately 100 years ago…glad art stores have changed…by the way, I love the new header to the blog.

  8. Rebecca says:

    Omigod!! you found my long lost college still life!! Yea, I was a youngy, but I was a goody!! My professor said I had real potential. I tried to give her one of my prints, and she wouldn’t take it, saying she was afraid she’d steal my idea. (that part is true)

  9. Anna Surface says:

    What a gorgeous oil painting with frame. I didn’t know this type of painting was called a “vanitas”, a painting concerning the passage of time–transported in time backward and foreword by a painting. I love the mandolin in the painting and reminds me of the one my father had with the rounded, striped bottom. I would love to paint a painting like that!

    As far as the movies… those who do not turn off cell phones and play a game on the cell phone. And movies are loud, for sure!

    Lovely post, Bill. I enjoyed it! :)

  10. I think this must be a modern painting too, although getting a bit obsolete or stale-dated, or whatever you call it when the technology is passé. Just refer to the tape cassette box sitting in front of the tea cup. You can hardly find cassettes anymore – just a flea markets, and the plastic on them is no longer shiny – scratched a mat-surfaced. This is maybe a early 1990’s vanitas??

  11. Nava says:

    Never mind the popcorn crunchers. Ever had a whole family sitting behind you with nachos and cheese and then burritos for their main dish?

    Ahh, but of course you haven’t – you always sit in the back row!

  12. lbtowers says:

    No no no ‘lookingforbeauty’. That is not a cassette, but it did make me do a double take when I read that. If you could see it better you could tell it is a book that the cup is on.

    Nava, you’ll learn.

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