By WR Jones
My ADD is so advanced that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings on the next block is enough to distract me. But I have found a, perhaps even worse, personality disorder in my mood following prices at the gas pump.
You might expect drastic changes in the economy to affect your mood. This is too much for me. It is too complex; not sure if I should shit or go blind when they announce yet another forthcoming economic tsunami. So I keep it simple. Gas prices up, I’m down. Gas prices down, I make little chittering sounds of joy.
Did you ever feel the rush you get when you impress someone? It is some kind of high, like the endorphin buzz you get from running 100 miles (OK, 1.65 0.65 miles), or if your knees are bad, the buzz from that last vicodin and a half an entire bottle of reasonably priced cheap wine.
It feels so good and is so hard to achieve when, like me, you have absolutely no skills to aid you on your quest to impress. And so it went on my last attempt. I was watching a survival show on TV and saw the difficulty in starting a fire using a stick and a bow. I thought my neighbors would be bowled over if they could see me start a fire.
I made a bow using a plastic hanger and a shoestring from one of my wife’s shoes (I wonder if she will notice). There was a stick in the garage. All I needed was the bottom part that has to be hollowed out a bit to hold the spinning stick. I know you would not have a power drill to make the hollow spot if you were in the woods (why would you want to be in the woods?) but I was in a hurry.
Do you know how fast those pointy sharp drill bits chew through a soft piece of pine, and then on into the oak floor under that pine? I do now. It looks so easy on New Yankee Workshop or DIY. I wonder if I email them they might intervene in my upcoming punishment? Actually, that is a little premature, my wife might not find out about it; I filled in the hole with shoe polish.
Out in the front yard I’m cranking on that bow when the neighbors come out to get in their car. The only thing getting hot at this point was the palm of my hand. Turns out you are supposed to have another piece between your palm and the spinning stick. I must learn to pay more attention when watching TV.
They look at me and ask what I’m doing. “Starting a fire.” “Why?” “Get warm.” “Why don’t you go in the house and turn on the heater, you idiot?” “Say, that is not a bad idea, thanks.”
I’m not absoulutely certain, but they didn’t look impressed.