By W.R. Jones, Painting by E.L. Jones
Smell is a powerful trigger of memories. When I smell pine needles, I think of Christmas. I like to keep a positive upbeat world view, but Christmas has been trying right from the start.
My earliest memories of Chrismas were around 4 or 5 years of age. I clearly remember running with bounding enthusiasm to the stocking over the fireplace that winter morning. The next memory was running to the bedroom of my parents screaming in my high shrill 4 year old voice, “MOM, DAD, I got another piece of coal, Santa screwed me again. Why doen’t he like me?” Then I was surprised to watch the smiles flood their faces as they gave each other the high 5.
Perhaps those stories of my early trying behaviour were not as exaggerated as I believed.
Here is a MUST have item for me to have a successful Christmas morn – I saw it in the SkyMall magazine on the plane. It is a small piece of brushed steel that you put into your class of wine to “age” it. Cost $99. This is a brilliant idea. I can continue buying my cheap wine, throw in this lump of steel for awhile (they didn’t mention time) and walla I have a $90 glass of wine.
I find it astounding that the wine makers don’t know of this scientific breakthrough. They could dump a load of steel into their vats and produce world class wines out of rotgut. Probably some wine making industry conspiracy.
I can see myself standing in a tux at a fine restaurant, ordering the cheapest wine they got for the dinner party with the Governor as the honored guest. I will pass around my piece of steel and tell them to drop it into their glass to soak until they have a fine wine. Etiquette requires you not drink out of the glass with the steel in it. You reach in with your cleanest two fingers and drop it into the person’s glass on the left of you. After it has passed all the way around the table, it is 3AM and you are ready to drink and eat. A fun version is to try to toss it into the drink of the person across from you. Did this once, “Oh, Mrs. Whitney, I’m sure those red stains will come out of that fur. Don’t you find it wonderful that the glass didn’t break? I took the liberty of ordering plastic wine glasses. ”
If Santa brings me a lump of coal this year I’m shooting one of those elves.