Employment

By WR Jones

vwbug

    The ranks of the unemployed are swelling.   I have a partial solution.   You will like my idea; I know you will.   

    We need people to sit in the room when those ad writers come up with stuff they are going to foist on us via TV.   When one of those ad morons says something to the effect, “Let’s show a car zooming around a curvy mountain road.”  Bang – our man shoots him on the spot, no questions asked.   “I’ve got a great idea, why don’t we show a sexy woman asking does your car turn you on?”  Boom – right between the eyes.   “Oh, Oh, Oh, how about this?   We show some young people playing a game in their cars, racing around the city skidding around corners, stuff like that.”   Pow – no, wait a minute, we should torture this little dork like his ads do us.

    My dear departed aunt had a saying that would apply to all those ad writers who show the distinguished gentleman, leaning in on a beauty, wanting desperately to get laid, but hampered by a limp pecker.   “Slit his nuts and pull his legs through!”    I do like that they have the pill that gives you a bigger window of time to work your magic.  Still, it is not long enough.  In my younger single days, I would have needed something that lasted 3 or 4, ok, 6 months based on my average success rate.   Oh, don’t get me wrong here, I was pretty popular.  I had lots of phone numbers.  The strange thing was they all started with 555…   And this was true whether I was in Iowa, California, or Japan.

    Here is an ad writer that should have his whole family wiped out to at least the 3rd cousins in an attempt to clean up the gene pool.   He/they came up with one I heard recently –  “Our mouth cleansing product leaves your teeth VISIBLY whiter.”   No shit.   This leaves the door wide open for my new product.  I’m going to call it Jesus’ Teeth Whitener.   It really whitens your teeth.  Not visibly; you will have to take it on faith.   If you act now for this blog one time special, I will send you two tubes for the price of 1.9 tube.   Think of what a fabulous Christmas    Winter Holiday (I don’t want any Muslims/Jews/Pima Indians  blowing up my VW)  gift this will be for all your meth addicted friends/family with those few remaining black teeth.

Winter Holiday blessings on you all,

The Right Reverened Shifty Greenbacks

   PS  I can’t see a damn thing.  Does that car look blurry to you?   Got to stop drinking before brushing my teeth.

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18 Responses to Employment

  1. Where can I get an application?
    Oh, and by the way, I hope next January 19th someone rememebers to wish me another happy “Winter Holiday #2” – so I might not be offended by an appointed day set aside to honor of a man who stood for love and peace.

  2. Lori says:

    Well Rev. Shifty G.

    That car looks perfectly clear to me.You must have eye trouble from self-abuse, I always heard mothers warning their sons about that. Your aunt sounds like somebody that would warn you of those dangers.

  3. kevmoore says:

    Thank God you thought it was blurry too Bill, I was worried that the 2 litres of Tinto Verano I’ve just necked was having an adverse effect. I’m going for the South park inspired non-denominational Christmas this year with music by Philip Glass. should be enough to piss the lot of ’em off…..

  4. wrjones says:

    Goodbadandugly2 – you have it all. It is nice to see you can appreciate a solid idea.

    Cara – you have a job any time. No need to apply, just share some fries with me.

    Lori – Is that what she was talking about with that “going blind” businsess? That would explain the continual deteroriation.

    You too Kev, leave it alone it will grow.

  5. kimiam says:

    I want to place an order for the Jesus Teeth Whitener. I believe you would never lie to me about how well it works, Bills!

  6. wrjones says:

    Kimiam – I treasure our honest relationship.
    Those teeth will be whiter if I have to paint them!

  7. I would love to order the tooth whitener, but I would require a large discount as I only have 3 teeth left and they are rather short since I grind them in my sleep. Just went back and read the first month’s posts, May 2007. It was fun and I intend to read them all.

  8. wrjones says:

    Connie – you poor thing. You need some teeth and a life. If you should find I have repeated myself, do an old man a favor and don’t mention it.

  9. Hey, you forgot us down here at the bottom of the planet where it’s summer! Do we also qualify for the special teeth whitener offer? It must be difficult driving around in a blurry beetle – is that how you deliver the teeth whitener?

  10. carolking says:

    Your AUNT said that? It’s all making sense now. It runs in the family.

    That car is most certainly blurry. How does one paint blurry? I would love to know. Feel free to call me. 555-1212.

  11. wrjones says:

    Elizabeth, I have an Aussie special. But first a question, is that Yellowtail wine really colored with ‘Roo urine?

    Carol, baby, I’ve used up all my minutes dialing that number. Why don’t you pick up? Say, wait a minute here, that is the same number Jane gave me, and Janet, Barbara, Betty, Karen, …. This isn’t going to work. I can’t talk to all of you at once, I will get confused.

  12. My pet peeve was God’s Used Car salesman, who I’ve seen on tv and met in real life a few times too. But when I was ever serious about going to church, the first sermon I heard preached was about how the Church (capital “C” in general) needs to have open finances and accountability.

    That preacher surprised me a second time by actually knowing how to pronounce my name on the first try! He turned out to be a wonderful, caring Christian pastor, and I found lots of love in that church. And it was fun too when I was in charge of Momma and baby sheep for the live Creche (who knew sheep were so big and so particular?).

    Anyway, there are untold benefits for artists, WR. If you get to heaven you get to shake Fra Angelico’s hand — and Rembrandt’s too (though he was sometimes a bad boy ….)

    Take heart! And Merry ….

  13. wrjones says:

    Aletha – If there should be a heaven don’t think I will make it. But, as the saying goes, company over comfort; I will be with ALL my friends.

  14. Bill, I was just over at your galleries looking at the works — so fabulous — however, I never did find the — er — jar for the, uh — donations.

    I don’t know which works I like best. They are quite varied. I love the portraits, but then the landscapes are so sensitively done. The landscapes are like states of mind.
    Aletha

  15. wrjones says:

    Aletha – thanks for the positive review you can email me cash directly to wrjones47@gmail.com

  16. Actually, Bill, in the spirit of the season I’m going to let you take my cash on faith. Imaginatively and spiritually too, I’m sending you millions and millions of dollars ….AK

  17. wrjones says:

    Thanks Aletha – That will about cover the mastercard.

    A very merry Christmas to you and your family!

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