By WR Jones
The ranks of the unemployed are swelling. I have a partial solution. You will like my idea; I know you will.
We need people to sit in the room when those ad writers come up with stuff they are going to foist on us via TV. When one of those ad morons says something to the effect, “Let’s show a car zooming around a curvy mountain road.” Bang – our man shoots him on the spot, no questions asked. “I’ve got a great idea, why don’t we show a sexy woman asking does your car turn you on?” Boom – right between the eyes. “Oh, Oh, Oh, how about this? We show some young people playing a game in their cars, racing around the city skidding around corners, stuff like that.” Pow – no, wait a minute, we should torture this little dork like his ads do us.
My dear departed aunt had a saying that would apply to all those ad writers who show the distinguished gentleman, leaning in on a beauty, wanting desperately to get laid, but hampered by a limp pecker. “Slit his nuts and pull his legs through!” I do like that they have the pill that gives you a bigger window of time to work your magic. Still, it is not long enough. In my younger single days, I would have needed something that lasted 3 or 4, ok, 6 months based on my average success rate. Oh, don’t get me wrong here, I was pretty popular. I had lots of phone numbers. The strange thing was they all started with 555… And this was true whether I was in Iowa, California, or Japan.
Here is an ad writer that should have his whole family wiped out to at least the 3rd cousins in an attempt to clean up the gene pool. He/they came up with one I heard recently – “Our mouth cleansing product leaves your teeth VISIBLY whiter.” No shit. This leaves the door wide open for my new product. I’m going to call it Jesus’ Teeth Whitener. It really whitens your teeth. Not visibly; you will have to take it on faith. If you act now for this blog one time special, I will send you two tubes for the price of 1.9 tube. Think of what a fabulous Christmas Winter Holiday (I don’t want any Muslims/Jews/Pima Indians blowing up my VW) gift this will be for all your meth addicted friends/family with those few remaining black teeth.
Winter Holiday blessings on you all,
The Right Reverened Shifty Greenbacks
PS I can’t see a damn thing. Does that car look blurry to you? Got to stop drinking before brushing my teeth.