By W. R. Jones
I know this will be very difficult for you to believe, but I had a slight lapsus linguae at the gym last night. This Latin for “slip of the tongue” is all I remember from the old school days when Latin was a required subject. I expect I remember it due to ceaseless practice.
I was watching this fellow take a browbeating from a female personal trainer. She was yelling at him to work harder. The little voice of reason at the back of my head told me to shut up, but my mouth is at the front of my head and is way faster than reason. So I says, “You are paying what $25 or $50 an hour to take this abuse? You sir are an idiot.” When my eyes met those of the instructor, the voice in my head went into overdrive looking for a way to dig myself out. The best I could come up with in this full panic mode was, “Still, it is QUALITY abuse.”
The incident was capped off when the man looked me up and down then said, “If that is the body you end up with on the do-it-yourself workout plan, my money is well spent.” “Asshole” – was my reply (on the inside).
A NOTE ON STEALING FLOWERS:
I got this rose from the neighbor’s garden. Given past acrimony over this “borrowing” of flowers without permission (strictly speaking), I thought it best if I nipped over there in the night. I put on full black raider gear and started my mission. There were a couple of unforseen obstacles. One, the neighbor booby trapped the rose bushes by placing large piles of dog shit all around them, and yes I found them. Two, in the dark you can’t see the thorns but they can see you.
When one went in to the bone, I screamed like I had been scorpioned in the balls. On come the spot lights and out come those crotchety biddies. I flew over the fence tearing my new raider outfit. When I went into the house I found I had dog stuff on my pant leg. I took them off, tossed them into the laundry room, and shut the door; the wife can deal with it.
Mango came sniffing around and I could read his mind like a large print Reader’s Digest, “Why doesn’t she throw him in the sink and scrub his butt raw like she does me when I poop myself?”