The Last Piece

By W. R. Jones


    Ohhhhh, I’m feeling crushed by guilt this morning.  Well, maybe not crushed; it might better be described as a squeezing or a light press.   I lied about that Vietnamese girl stealing my Tootsie Rolls.

    I gave her a moldy lemon an told her to move on down the road before I set Mango on her.  Then I shut out the lights, pulled a blanket over my head and the TV, turned the volume down real low, and started in on those Tootsie Rolls.

    Now my normal candy eating approach is to drink a can of Pepsi Max then wad the wrappers into little balls and drop them into the empty can.  I hadn’t clearly thought through the logistics of a Costco size bag of candy.  I had to drink 17 cans of Pepsi to make little trash containers for all those wrappers.

    This meant I had to pee a lot.  I had to do this in the dark as any light would attract those little bastards to the door to get my candy.   Thus I ended up with mutiple contusions from falling over furniture.

    My wife came home unexpectedly early and caught me in the dark.  Hell, I’ll admit it, I panicked.  I told her that girl stole the candy, and I had the lights out because I was too ashamed to face those special, loving, neighborhood children with nothing to offer.

    This brings up a philosophical question – is it a lie when it is fabricated told in self defence?  Shouldn’t this be considered a self defence tool?  My attorney is going to present it to the jury as an unTRUTH.  And, exactly like that.  He is going to turn his head to one side and cough out the un, then swing straight on to the panel and blurt out the TRUTH syllable.  

    The painting itself is another form of lie; the implied lie of which I have a passing familiarity.  It implies there were only three pieces of candy when in fact just off canvas was a 30lb bag.  I wonder what truths are hidden behind that Sistine Chapel piece?

    How did slick Willie get caught this time?   The hospital bill came.  Apparently a fellow my age is unable to process 17 cans of pepsi and 30lb of Toosie Rolls in a single setting.  I sludged up and had to be pumped out.   I came home last night to find my wife waving the bill in the air while giving me the piss eye, “WHAT’S THIS!”  You know, one can tell by the tone of voice that “THIS” is not a letter informing of a lotto victory.

    I’m still so jittery from all that caffeine I can barely keep my hands hovering in the vicinity of this keyboard.

    I know I’ve got to get help.  I wrote to Dr. Drew to see if he could get me into celebrity rehab but haven’t heard back yet.

    I gotta go pee.

This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Still Life. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to The Last Piece

  1. lbtowers says:

    I think we can call that 30 pound bag the lying sack of shit.

    And your welcome for all those typos I corrected. I wouldn’t want Erika to get panicky.

  2. Susan says:

    If a bear “lies” in the forest is it really a “lie”.

    And speaking of the Sistine chapel…I hope we are not back on the “the earth was made in…” whooper you know who told!

    And then we get into ‘semantics”…

    The view that the role of sentences in inference gives a more important key to their meaning than their ‘external’ relations to things in the world. The meaning of a sentence becomes its place in a network of inferences that it legitimates. Also known as functional role semantics, procedural semantics, or conceptual role semantics. The view bears some relation to the coherence theory of truth, and suffers from the same suspicion that it divorces meaning from any clear association with things in the world.

    There you have it…

    A whole bag of tootsie rolls, sure you did……

  3. wrjones says:

    Lisa – I feel I’ve heard that term “lying sack of …” before. Oh ya, from mom.
    Typos? Are you sur?

    Susan – Christ, you’ve made me dizzy. Try to bear in mind I’m from just outside of Chickencrotch, Ia. Those big words don’t make it across the corn rows. You sound like a shyster Chicago lawyer – which is probably why I’m so drawn to you.

  4. bonnieluria says:

    Perhaps you should have consulted Dr. Pepper instead.

    He might have been able to help you since you are clearly unable to produce posts that aren’t side-splitting, and paintings that aren’t just desserts.

    Also made by the Tootsie company are: Sugar Daddy ( any connection..) and Fluffy Stuff. Maybe neither apply.

    Really- love this painting.

  5. Dar says:

    hey, we’re a bunch of anti-semantics around here.

    Bill, you’re a regular Victor Hugo with that lying for the greater good routine.

  6. Lori says:

    Dadgumit Bill I want some tootsie rolls too now. They had a whole bowl full at the garden where I painted today and I had my hands full of easel, painting, umbrella, and lawn chair. I should have just stuck my head in the bowl. I don’t get how they can have a whole big bowl of tootsies left this long after Halloween anyway. I bet they hid the candy when the kids came.

    The painting is wonderful, and you did it with caffeine jitters yet! I want so bad just to grab that last T. roll.

    I always thought lies about candy are perfectly all right. You need them for models. The cure for guilt is chocolate.

  7. There’s probably some deeper meaning in your painting, as you suggest, but I like it just as a still life of wrappers and one candy piece. Simple. Direct.

    I think the funniest Tootsie Roll story I ever heard was from a nurse friend who worked in the pediatric ward. She played a joke on a fellow nurse by placing one of the unwrapped candies in a child’s diaper for testing.

    Apparently the rest of the staff were watching the drama as the clueless nurse tried to take a sample from that optically convincing but very firm piece of candy.

  8. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Bonnie – do you have some Sugar Daddies? I would like to try one.

    Dar, I had to look that guy up. And now I have forgotten what I read. I should have left that window open. But, whatever, I do lie for my greater good alright.

    Lori – you can have mine next year – I can’t look another Tootsie Roll in the wrapper. Lies about anything are alright if you are a politician. I’m running for mayor as we speak.

    Diana, it would have been funnier if she had known in advance and sampled it with her teeth.

  9. Five hundred years hence, art historians will be arguing their PhDs based upon their theories as to the meaning a of “Toosie Roll” in 21st century art. And of course there will be much debate as to what a “toosie roll” was ….

    And none of them will understand the true poignancy, will they? Or the hidden metaphor of the diuretic.


  10. Rebecca says:

    lqtm. I’m thinking of two things. You under the dining room table in your little tent as a child and you forming all the negative space around all those little white letters…LOL

  11. I’ve still got some KitKats left…not quite as iconic as Tootsie Rolls…I probably won’t paint them….

  12. Susan says:

    wow! I forgot to complement you on your typography – painting all that lettering on the tootsie
    roll is very impressive. YOU ROCK! Maybe I should drink that tonic of yours and my painting will improve…

  13. kevmoore says:

    Okay Bill, I’ve had to give this one a lot of thought. I can’t keep helping you out of these situations you know……Right, it’s too late this time around but, for future reference, I have calculated that if you consume the Pepsi whilst sitting in a sauna, on max setting (Pepsi max?) you preclude the need to sucuumb to its diuretic properties…that is to say, you’ll sweat it out. You might want to pre-freeze the tootsies prior to the munchies session, just so they don’t get too gooey before you have a chance to stuff them in your mouth. Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t caution you that eating and drinking in such an extreme environment as a sauna for any length of time is liable to result in heart failure and death. but at least you’ll go out on a full stomach and a chocolate smile worthy of that pesky vietnamese girl….

  14. I knew there was more to the story! And love to think that outside the frame of that picture there is a big bag of Tootsie rolls.. exactly. We can never truly capture a clear moment in fact without putting some frame or perspective on it. I’d love to hear ur thoughts on a breakdown I did of a political photo yesterday…

  15. wrjones says:

    Aletha, there is no metaphor of the diuretic, I just had to pee.

    Rebecca – what does lqmt mean? I was under that table. I think looking at those beautiful pumps was where I picked up my foot fetish and desire to wear high heels.

    Paula, Paula, Paula – always like that name – we could share. Sharing is good.

    Susan – why haven’t you called me? I’m waiting for you to switch to plein air painting and drinking tonic. Your painting is fine, what you need to work on is your social skills. Probably the best thing for that would be to start thinking about getting me something for Christmas.

    Kev – that is a scientific experiment worthy of a Nobel candidate. I’m going to ask Trixie and Bubbles (my naked imaginary assistants if they will stand by in case I need CPR).

    FruitWithTooManySeeds (thepromegranateblog) – more correctly there WAS a bag of candy outside the picture frame. I will be right over to get lippy on your blog.

  16. kimiam says:

    Bill, good luck with the therapy! I will guard your secret tootsie roll stash for you while you’re in rehab.

  17. wrjones says:

    Kimiam – Thanks.

    I will address the rehab problem in a future post (if I remember – which is another problem).

  18. grfxho says:

    Defense not “defence”… one is protective, the other is what you still haven’t repaired out in the yard.

    Don’t tell me you’ve gone all Madonna/Britney Spears on us and are using a fake British accent when you type…

  19. Rebecca says:

    hmmmm..I’m happily aware of foot fetishes. Luckily, I learned on “The Doctors” that feet are an erogenous zone for women (probably men, too), so I clearly cannot complain.

    Thanks for the comment on my tree line in my watercolor..yours or lisas comment?

    Still don’t have a frackin’ weed. I thought it would be easy, but, like you, I’m waiting for the moment of divine perfection in weedom.

    I have to go warn my sister in law about my little 4 year old nephew who’s constant lair is underfoot..could be a serial foot fancier!

  20. wrjones says:

    Yes, grfxho, I saw that misspelling earlier then quickly forgot about it; lost in the thicket of spelling errors. Kind of you to point it out.

    Rebecca – Lisa does not comment anywhere as far as I can tell. That was mine. If it is a bad comment, go ahead and attribute it to her. I’ve got a weed photo that has possiblities but I don’t have time to paint it now. I am still looking for that perfect weed. Check the 4 year old to see if he is wearing toenail polish.

  21. grfxho says:

    I’m just doing my duty as an American citizen, Bill.

  22. Hi Bill – love the painting. I have to say, I think I could easily eat a big bag of tootsie rolls – I love em –

  23. wrjones says:

    grfxho – I understand and I’m looking for an American flag pin for your lapel as soon as I finish this comment.

    Cara – thanks. You can’t eat my bag of Tootsie Rolls as it is empty.

  24. carolking says:

    Are you diabetic now?

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