The Worst Kind Of Thief

By W R Jones

asia

    This wretched little street waif stole my Halloween candy.  God damn it!  I chased her down the street but she eluded me.  She was really quick for a small kid carrying a 30lb bag of Tootsie Rolls.

    I called 911 but they gave me the run around – something about a boy crying wolf.  I think they are mistaken as I have never seen a wolf around here.  They probably meant coyote.  These city folk are hard pressed to tell shit from applesauce.

    Anyway I made this quick sketch of her from memory then went to the local grocery stores to paste the image on all the milk cartons.  I figured she was missing as far as I was concerned.  Wouldn’t you just know it, NOW the police show up.  Apparently it is illegal to post your own images on the cartons, it has to be done at the factory.  They called it “tampering”. 

    Still, it is a bad day when nothing goes right.  I caught a break when I used watercolors to paint, “YOU SCUM SUCKING LAWYER – DIE AND MOVE AWAY FROM HERE” on that CLU attorney’s house.  I was able to wash it off – I’m going to need the guy for my defense on this ridiculous charge.

    Oh what the hell, I wasn’t supposed to be eating candy anyway.  I lost a crown a few weeks back.  I went to the dentist 3 times to have a temporary put on and each time it lasted about 2 days.  My boss was getting very skeptical when I would say I’m going to the dentist.  “AGAIN?”  The third time I brought back a note from the dentist and left it on his desk.  He came by later with, “Hey, you really were at the dentist.”

    As a rugby playing, bull riding kind of guy, I didn’t shed a tear through all these trips to the dentist … until… he told me I couldn’t have any candy for a week.  HUH?  How do you expect me to get my nourishment?  This is a hard man.  In an unpleasant public spectacle, I was on my knees in his office PLEADING for him to give me a script for a brick of Vicodin.  “Brick” is the unit of measurement with the people I normally buy from.  He seemed to think gluing that tooth in and flossing didn’t warrent the medication.  Ya, but what about my elbow?  It kind of hurts…a little anyway.

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This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Portrait, Watercolor. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to The Worst Kind Of Thief

  1. lori says:

    Good grief Bill don’t you know what 30 pounds of Tootsie rolls would do to your crowns and fillings, you wouldn’t have one left in your head. You should send that little angel of mercy a dozen roses and 30 Sugar Daddies.

    Whats the matter with your dentist anyway, hasn’t he heard of Super glue?

    I love the painting!

  2. Dar says:

    I could use a sugar daddy myself.

    Bill, the painting is beautiful. I hope you get candy-nabbed again soon.

  3. Darling painting Bill – by the way – I’m back in my studio but don’t look yet, I’m not finished so it will be a couple of days.

  4. kevmoore says:

    As usual in these situations you seem to embroil yourself in Bill, I found myself offering a “kill two birds with one stone” kinda deal. Why not secure the wayward crown in place with what we Brits call Bonfire toffee? It’s delicious, and has adhesive properties that could keep heat resistant tiles from falling off a space shuttle, so it damn well oughta hold a tooth in place…P.S. Did I see chocolate between that kid’s teeth? Issue a warrant, now!

  5. Gosh Bill I thought you were going to say this kid is Chinese. She looks like she might be working in one of those painting factories that use only “Artists with Bachelor Degrees”.

    It IS a nice painting!

  6. kimiam says:

    Gorilla glue for the dental work, bill. It’s an epoxy that cures with water from the atmosphere.

    If you’d only mentioned the emotional pain over loosing those tootsie rolls, maybe your doc would have given you the vicoden. Pain is pain.

    Tough break.

  7. carolking says:

    What a beautiful painting! Is it watercolor or oil? Did you really do it from memory?

    And what’s the deal with dentists and temporary crowns. They really are temporary, rarely lasting until the real one comes in. Why do they bother?

  8. Rhonda Smith says:

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Great story and very amusing. Your painting from memory is amazing.
    Thanks,
    Rhonda

  9. Nava says:

    You did this in watercolor? Like, dem paints you mix with water and then struggle with and then whine to us about it?? This is exquisite! And if I try try real hard, I can see a leaf stuck to the back of her sweater (y’know, your series and all).

    She has this gloating expression at your “no candy!” verdict. Worry not – I see a root canal in her near future on the left incisor.

    Has my Big Timber check arrived?

  10. wrjones says:

    Lori – just as the educated meth addict KNOWS he/she will lose the teeth so does the Tootsie Roll addict. But we are powerless. So look for me on the street toothless surrounded by empty wrappers.

    Dar – a sugar daddy? I’m your man. I have a check for $752 coming to me any day now. For a beauty like you I would be willing to share my Tootsie Rolls. OK, maybe not the Tootsie Rolls, but you can have my Graham Crackers.

    Kev – you did see chocolate between the little brat’s teeth; my chocolate. I’ll give that toffee a try. I think I will use it to hang a painting.

    Aletha – I know you are pressed for time but WOW is a little too short and vague. The way I’m translating it for you is, “Bill you are a wonderful man – WOW”. I expect that is pretty darn close to what you had in mind, huh?

    Thanks, Diana. The kid, Asia, is Vietnamese.

    Kimiam – I want you for my dentist. You are much more empathetic about paint. Probably comes from hammering your thumb with that mallet.

    Thanks, Carol. It is watercolor. Er, uh,… I may have exaggerated about the memory bit. I don’t think I can draw a line from memory or even a point. I would need a reference.

    Rhonda – did I say anything stupid on your blog? No wait don’t tell me. I would rather assume it was brilliant. Carol called me out on the memory thing – it was a lie or at best an exaggeration – no, hell, it was a lie.

    Nava – I’m really liking the way you are backing my series. I’d like to lie some more and claim that as a leaf but it is one of my Tootsie Roll wrappers. Damn her little hide. The check did arrive and I’ve decided not to pay back the money I owe the church (after “borrowing” from the collection plate) but to be a Sugar Daddy for Dar.

    Dar – what say we go out for some pancakes and eggs? On me. Your SD.

  11. RH Carpenter says:

    Bill, the painting is wonderfully done – the light happiness in her eyes shows – she’s got the candy and she’s glad of it! The story, like all your stories, made me laugh (but you need a different dentist, one who gives you drugs for “anxiety caused by visiting the dentist”), and still I’m sad – because Dar beat me to the punch and asked you to be her sugar daddy :( Now I know you’ll say there’s enough sugar to go around, but I’m not optimistic.

  12. Bill,

    You mind reader. Yes, I was absolutely thinking that you are a wonderful man. A WOW kind of man. I was also utterly transfixed by the tragic story of lost tootsie rolls (excuse me, I’m tearing up) and the wonderful vindicating sense of recompense. I’m quite sure that kid will pay. What goes around, you know…. Also, the connection to dentistry which is a subject so close to art, yet not sufficiently appreciated.

    It’s all here. And I am amazed. So, yeah. Wow!

    Aletha

  13. PS — the drawing is terrific, too! That kid does not deserve to be immortalized so fabulously.

    AK

  14. Dar says:

    Bill, I do like graham crackers, and pancakes, but I was hoping you might buy me one of Lisa’s paintings. That’s not a deal breaker, is it?

  15. That is a BEAUTIFUL painting.

  16. wrjones says:

    Aletha – now you’re talking my kind of language.

    Dar – have you never had a sugar daddy before? You have me irked already. Which one of LISA’S paintings did you want? Not that forlorn little boy I hope. She wants 100,000 for that piece. Give me back my Graham Crackers.

    Connie – I like your comment the best.

  17. Dar says:

    I guess I’m higher maintenance than I thought. But the graham crackers are gone already, so I think I owe you a painting.

  18. Miki says:

    What a great portrait, Bill! I am REALLY amazed, I had no idea you make portraits too! Would love to see some more1

  19. Diane says:

    Love the painting and the story which made me lol.

  20. That is a really cool watercolour.. But is the story true?!!

  21. gypsy-heart says:

    All craziness aside..this is my favorite of yours!!

    Thank you for sharing it with us.

    I hope you are happy about the election, as for me I am ECSTATIC!! :)

  22. GREAT painting!! Wow… !!

  23. ivdanu says:

    Very impressive and expressive portraits, bill!

  24. wrjones says:

    Cara – you were routed to spam with the Cialis for some reason. I rescued you and ordered a year’s supply of good wood meds at the same time. I’m really good at this multi-tasking stuff.

    Thanks, Miki – you can see most of my portraits at http://www.wrjones.wordpress.com

    Thanks, Diane.

    Seed fruit lady – I don’t know why but I feel a pomegranateblog would be written by a female – Thanks, but is your question real? Is this a trick question? There may be some truth in that story but as usual you will have to dig for it.

    My wife was eating a pomegranate last night. There is way to much seed to fruit ratio for me.

    Thanks, Gypsy-heart. You and Lisa are happy with the election. I say if you two are happy, I’m happy.

    Thank you, Marian and Ivdanu.

    RH – You have moved WAY up on the Sugar Daddy ladder since Dar had the nerve to ask for a painting by Lisa. She is on a “time out”.

  25. Dawn says:

    Love the painting! Is it from Life or photo? Looks like watercolor? Was this another quick study?
    You are a clever writer as well as your wife…you’re both multi-talented!

  26. wrjones says:

    It is a watercolor from a photo. It was a medium study. Lisa is NOT my wife (I sympathize with her husband). As you can see from her political rant, she is a communist who wants to share my paints and brushes amoungst the peasants.

    Let me know if you see my favorite painting on your trip.

  27. Susan says:

    Great watercolor Bill! It’s got some loosey goosey paint stuff going on along with convincing realism. Very fine.

  28. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Susan. I just watched a video of a show of Jeremy Lipking and want to throw away all my paint stuff. Think I’ll go back to knitting.

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