By W R Jones
This wretched little street waif stole my Halloween candy. God damn it! I chased her down the street but she eluded me. She was really quick for a small kid carrying a 30lb bag of Tootsie Rolls.
I called 911 but they gave me the run around – something about a boy crying wolf. I think they are mistaken as I have never seen a wolf around here. They probably meant coyote. These city folk are hard pressed to tell shit from applesauce.
Anyway I made this quick sketch of her from memory then went to the local grocery stores to paste the image on all the milk cartons. I figured she was missing as far as I was concerned. Wouldn’t you just know it, NOW the police show up. Apparently it is illegal to post your own images on the cartons, it has to be done at the factory. They called it “tampering”.
Still, it is a bad day when nothing goes right. I caught a break when I used watercolors to paint, “YOU SCUM SUCKING LAWYER – DIE AND MOVE AWAY FROM HERE” on that CLU attorney’s house. I was able to wash it off – I’m going to need the guy for my defense on this ridiculous charge.
Oh what the hell, I wasn’t supposed to be eating candy anyway. I lost a crown a few weeks back. I went to the dentist 3 times to have a temporary put on and each time it lasted about 2 days. My boss was getting very skeptical when I would say I’m going to the dentist. “AGAIN?” The third time I brought back a note from the dentist and left it on his desk. He came by later with, “Hey, you really were at the dentist.”
As a rugby playing, bull riding kind of guy, I didn’t shed a tear through all these trips to the dentist … until… he told me I couldn’t have any candy for a week. HUH? How do you expect me to get my nourishment? This is a hard man. In an unpleasant public spectacle, I was on my knees in his office PLEADING for him to give me a script for a brick of Vicodin. “Brick” is the unit of measurement with the people I normally buy from. He seemed to think gluing that tooth in and flossing didn’t warrent the medication. Ya, but what about my elbow? It kind of hurts…a little anyway.