Big Timber

By W.R. Jones

    Politics is all we hear now.  They talk about the war, the economy, the health care crisis, and how evil the opponent is, but the ELEPHANT in the room is ignored.  I’m talking about the global epidemic that if it were flu would be daily headline material.

    The pandemic I’m referring to is tiny limp dicks.  Apparently some type of virus is sweeping through the male population leaving no natural wood left.   This morning I deleted 27 spams, each of which promoted some male “enhancement” product.  Shoot, I just remembered Lisa is growing that new mustache – I probably should have let her read them first.

    With all of this flacidity the population is bound to crash.  This will, of course, put further pressure on the already sagging housing market.  There will be no one to buy.

    Last night on TV I was assailed by yet another add promoting a larger more vigorous pecker.   A “natural” product.  The virile male actor (virile until he admitted to a macaroni sized member) testified how this product made him “perform” better.  His “wife” was sitting next to him with a shit eating grin as further testimony.

    This product was so good and so effective they would send you a week’s supply for the cost of a stamp!  They were so certain of its value they could make this incredible offer.

    Whoa – the price of a stamp?   Trust but verify as the man said.   I backed up the DVR and paused on the fine print.   You had to give them your credit card number for the stamp.   What?  You were also obligated to sign up for an automatic product shipping deal.  So, you get the first week for a stamp but before the week is out the next shipment is in the mail.  And guess what, this one is a bit more than the cost of a stamp.  In fact, if you hold your wallet in one hand and your pecker in the other,  it will, by comparison, seem very large indeed.

    Entrepreneur I am, I’ve decided to make my own natural enhancer from the plant in this painting.  I don’t know what the hell it is but it is natural, therefore it must be healthy.

    I’m going to call my product Big Timber.  I think I will put a picture of myself on the bottle.  I like the idea of being in EVERY medicine cabinet and on EVERY bedside table in the world.   It might not taste so good, better take it will a little wine and cheese.  Also, for most effective use, you should dump that sweat hog you married and find someone you can stand to look at.

    Yes, ladies, I will be coming out with a product just for you and a recommendation you leave El Gordo to give it some (however slight) possiblilty to work.

This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Watercolor. Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Big Timber

  1. bonnieluria says:

    I’d rather buy Big Timber than see Alice.
    Oh, sure, they SPELL it Cialis, but go ahead and pronounce it! What are they telling you?
    To go See Alice.
    I just about lost it reading this post which may be one of your funniest yet.
    I’m still laughing.
    And still….

    Nope, haven’t stopped yet. Kinda like that erection that ” if it lasts more than 8 hours, see your doctor”.
    You could, if he wasn’t busy seeing Alice too.

    And that’s a wonderful painting too.
    But I’m sorry, I’m still laughing.

  2. ion danu says:

    Oh, boy! Bill you have to copywright and patent this (and the others)! If not some real entrepreneur will copy them and make a best seller, to sell together with some enhancing products…

  3. Barbara Pask says:

    Your are truly insane and I love it. Funny my husband’s name is Gordon, close huh? Always have a good laugh when I visit here, you do need to write a book.

  4. Bill – you are too funny as always. I know what you mean abut the emails. When ever someone asks me who I am I always say “Fantastic! According to this mornings emails I’ve won both the UK Sweepstakes, the Irish Lottery and Hot Christain singles still want to meet me!”

  5. As usual, a very erudite social observation and indeed, a condition that may very well effect our flaccid housing market! Big Timber’s day has come! Just make sure those berries are effective and not poisonous. Do a pharmaceutical test. Joe the Plumber gets the berries and Joe Six Pack gets a placebo.

  6. wrjones says:

    Bonnie – sometimes the truth is humorous, but then when I get caught it is not so funny anymore.

    Ion – I do plan on a patent for my product. But first I have to do a few years research to see if it works at all. Of course I’m going to sell it no matter the outcome of the studies with all the young beauties.

    Barbara – dump him. Go for the gardner, I can use you for a TV testimonial about the efficacy of my Big Timber Cutter for Women.

    Cara – Hot Christian Singles? I wonder if they would be interested in a little product testing.

    David – I was just at a workshop where it was mentioned that there is no value added when testing a product. I suppose though that if you have poisonous vs harmless berries you might like to have them tested. You could even consider it valueable.

  7. carolking says:

    OMG! This post killed me! A man can eat your berries and his twig will become BIG TIMBER! Too funny.

    I do find it interesting that you spent SO MUCH TIME reading all the fine print on the TV ad! I guess that means you were considering the purchase?

  8. My scanner has gone down and I’ve been waiting for the power plug for over a week so my usual activities have been interrupted. But I will get back to my usual practice soon.

  9. grfxho says:

    Just don’t end up like Smilin’ Bob…

  10. wrjones says:

    Carol – I was NOT after the product. They have been calling me “Old Hickory” since I was a toddler.
    I simply was curious when I heard you would get a weeks supply for the cost of a stamp. I HAD to see what the hook was. When I and a neighbor boy were 10, we sent for a FREE bonsai kit. Those little trees looked so neat. We sent away and a few weeks later get an envelope containing a seed and a note asking for $10 to get the information as to how to grow a bonsai from this seed. We were stunned. Did God allow this chicanery to exist?

    Ok Walter, you are off the hook. You also can take a new photo, even of an old photo – it looks good enough for the net.

    Grfxho – I think I and my nerdy friends are the inspiration and models for Smilin’ Bob, his wife, and friends. (It is sad – this is why I drink alot).

  11. 01varvara says:

    Is “Dr Bill’s Universal Remedy” in the works already? What is the active ingredient? Why was I seeing the crucial episodes from “Samogonshchiki” (The Moonshiners) in my mind’s eye as I read this? A word of advice, Bill. Filter it before you bottle it, and make sure the radiator is throughly clean before you fire up the still. What a trio… Granpa Jones singing “That Good Ol’ Mountain Dew” (is he a relation of yours, Bill?), Yuri Nikulin loadin’ up the still, and, now, “Dr Bill” (or, is it “Mr Bill”?) holding up the solution to one of male humanity’s greatest bugbears.

    Hmm… Lisa, has Bill gotten into the Mousecatel lately? Does he seem preternaturally happy at all-too-early hours? Perspiring minds want to know!

    “Sill crazy after all those years”

  12. carolking says:

    Dear “Old Hickory”
    He doth protest too much ???????

  13. Dar says:

    I’m not touching this one with a ten inch pole.

  14. Rebecca says:

    Maybe if find one laying around, I could use it as a thumb, and poke it everywhere I get the inkling!

  15. wrjones says:

    Shoot, Carol, you may be right. It was just a recollection – it may have been that they called me twiggy.

    That is very clever, Dar. I really like succinct cleverness.

    You might want to wear a glove on that, Rebecca – otherwise it is sure to draw (unwanted?) attention.

    Vara – the active ingredient is beer goggles.

  16. Wow. It’s an education visiting this blog. I rarely watch tv… and when I do I’m appalled at the ads. Of course we all get the computer spam ads (how DO they get my email address?!) But I guess the enhancement emails and phishing emails that tell me I’m (again) a big winner in the sweepstakes of 6 million dollars or pounds keep me from taking things too seriously.

  17. Hey Bill. Wanted to respond to your comment on my blog…couldn’t decide if I’m supposed to respond on my blog or yours. Now I’m sure you must know all the blog etiquette, so please let me know what’s proper. I would love to take you to the spot where I painted the dappled light pic (can’t remember the name of my own painting). Just let me know next time you visit North Carolina. Connie

  18. Nava says:

    Um… by the time I’ve inched my way to your blog, all the good comments were taken. And there I was, naive me, thinking this is another painting in the leaf/vegetation series.

    So – what are you charging for much a bottle of Big Timber?

  19. wrjones says:

    Diana – this blog is a non profit organization founded on the principles of education – sort of.

    Connie – North Carolina? No wonder your paintings look so good. That area is so lovely a child with 3 broken crayons could produce a work of art. My sister lived in Cary at one time. She now lives in West Virgina so if I visit I will try to drop by for some painting. I was going over the Christmas holidays but my wife says I have to give my free airline ticket to my sister-in-law. OK – since etiquette knowledge is not your strong point I will tell you that Emily Post (see pages 63-64) states that the host state painter pays for all drinks, meals, transportation, etc, and makes sure the guest’s painting doesn’t look like the usual crap he produces.

    Nava – thank goodness you came by. It hadn’t occured to me that this could count as a series piece, but there are leaves … number 4 baby.

    I’m so confident that Big Timber will work for the love of your life that I will send you a weeks supply for the cost of a stamp. We have had some quality control issues so if he should keep wood for more than a week you might consider renting him out to your friends to pick up a little extra cash for those watercolor materials. Send a check for the $0.42 (stamp) + $752.00 (shipping and handling). You may return the unused portion at any time (I don’t know why you would want to but it is your choice).

  20. Nava says:

    Awwww you are so so kind. With the shipping postage and gas prices these days, $752.00 is an absolute bargain. In fact, I have such faith in this product, and share your confidence to the extent that the check is already in the mail – although I don’t even have your address. I simply addressed it to “Big Timber” – I am sure it’ll find its way.

    And – if I may revert to profound eloquence: “Like, Duh?” Of course this painting part of the series!

  21. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Nava – based on your sending me the $752 I have written a check to my pastor for $752 for my arrears in the church collection business. For the longest time I thought when they passed the collection plate I was suppose to help myself.

  22. kevmoore says:

    I have unfortunately happened upon this post after reading about your tootsie rolls, and it reminded me of a televised “viewing” of some guy who went through surgery for ..ahem..”extra girth” …I don’t believe it was the kind of girth gained by eating tootsie rolls…though he did end up with something that resembled one. I don’t know what kind of deal he got, but by the look of agony on his face,I hope ii included a suicide capsule.

  23. wrjones says:

    Oh my Lord, Kev. If only he had heard about my Big Timber product. He would, of course, still have a small pecker, but I would have some more money. I’m a Sugar Daddy for Dar now and in need of some serious coin.

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