By W R Jones
Rebecca tragically lost her thumb when it was chewed off by a pit apple. She is in the hospital getting a prosthesis (a wooden spoon) to replace the missing limb. The good news is she will still be able to dance and eat a bowl of Rice Krispies.
I (very generously) offered to do the surgical work for free but she turned it down simply because the name on my medical license doesn’t match my driver’s license or that other name on his my credit card.
It is not like I can ask the doctor to change the name on his diploma now is it? Sometimes they leave me alone too long in the examining room. My mood swings from terror to acceptance of my eminent death to boredom. It is in the boredom region I tend to get into mischief. I notice the diploma, then remember the copy machine just across the hall …. walla I’m a doctor again.
REAL TERROR caused by actual stupidity –
I started a pumpkin painting to be completed by Halloween … 2011. I get these ideas for ambitious paintings, then after almost covering the canvas I step back, look, and wonder what the hell was I thinking … again. I went to a pumpkin field to get some reference photos – here is a tip – take the photos with the sun light coming from the same direction on each shot – IDIOT.
I blocked in the painting with a lot of dirt colored paint for the ground. This is the part that could have killed me. The next day I’m at the gym doing squats next to a mirror when I notice 4 large rough edged dark splotches on my lower leg. One of them is on the rather large dark area I’ve been worried about for years. The doctor keeps telling me it is ok, and I keep asking her to check again. She has told me it is nothing 12 or 13 or maybe 15 times now. I say if a 2nd opinion is good, 15 is real good.
When I saw these splotches my heart dropped – this was IT. This is definitely cancer and galloping cancer at that. How can it spread that fast? The mini stroke I suffered on the spot made me dizzy but didn’t keep me from sprinting down to the car. I was going to call the doctor to beg her to see me AHORA. While I was waiting for the phone to ring I drug a fingernail across one of the splotches. Well for gosh sakes, it comes off. I hung up, this needed further investigation. I’ve never read about scratch off cancer before, but there you go, one for the medical journals.
I went into the bathroom at the gym and after a lot of very rough scrubbing got all that pumpkin painting off my leg. Hey – don’t ask me. From now on between strokes on the canvas I’m keeping both hands above my head where I can see em.