Flowers For Rebecca

By W R Jones

    Rebecca tragically lost her thumb when it was chewed off by a pit apple.   She is in the hospital getting a prosthesis (a wooden spoon) to replace the missing limb.  The good news is she will still be able to dance and eat a bowl of Rice Krispies.

    I (very generously) offered to do the surgical work for free but she turned it down simply because the name on my medical license doesn’t match my driver’s license or that other name on his my credit card.

    It is not like I can ask the doctor to change the name on his diploma now is it?   Sometimes they leave me alone too long in the examining room.   My mood swings from terror to acceptance of my eminent death to boredom.  It is in the boredom region I tend to get into mischief.  I notice the diploma, then remember the copy machine just across the hall …. walla I’m a doctor again.

    REAL TERROR caused by actual stupidity –

    I started a pumpkin painting to be completed by Halloween … 2011.   I get these ideas for ambitious paintings, then after almost covering the canvas I step back, look, and wonder what the hell was I thinking … again.   I went to a pumpkin field to get some reference photos – here is a tip – take the photos with the sun light coming from the same direction on each shot – IDIOT.

    I blocked in the painting with a lot of dirt colored paint for the ground.  This is the part that could have killed me.   The next day I’m at the gym doing squats next to a mirror when I notice 4 large rough edged dark splotches on my lower leg.  One of them is on the rather large dark area I’ve been worried about for years.  The doctor keeps telling me it is ok, and I keep asking her to check again.  She has told me it is nothing 12 or 13 or maybe 15 times now.  I say if a 2nd opinion is good, 15 is real good.

    When I saw these splotches my heart dropped – this was IT.  This is definitely cancer and galloping cancer at that.  How can it spread that fast?  The mini stroke I suffered on the spot made me dizzy but didn’t keep me from sprinting down to the car.  I was going to call the doctor to beg her to see me AHORA.   While I was waiting for the phone to ring I drug a fingernail across one of the splotches.  Well for gosh sakes, it comes off.  I hung up, this needed further investigation.  I’ve never read about scratch off cancer before, but there you go, one for the medical journals.

    I went into the bathroom at the gym and after a lot of very rough scrubbing got all that pumpkin painting off my leg.  Hey – don’t ask me.  From now on between strokes on the canvas I’m keeping both hands above my head where I can see em.

This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Still Life. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Flowers For Rebecca

  1. Nice painting, Bill. Rebecca is a lucky gal if this is for her. I guess she’s also lucky you aren’t her doctor.

  2. Paint is insidious isn’t it? It appears in places you never knew you touched… hmmmm.
    Anyhow… GREAT painting, Bill!
    And thanks again for making me smile… Are you as funny in person? Does you wife laugh at you because she thinks you’re funny or just because?

  3. Sometimes, Bill (can I callya Bill, and do you mind if I sometimes write like VP candidate Sarah Pallen talks? Can I callya Joe?… I digress) you leave we speechless (writeless?). Good luck matching up your medical license name with your driver’s license. I just know that you’d make a great surgeon without all those years of tedious training.

  4. kimiam says:

    You’re adorable, bill.

  5. Sweet little painting – and as always – great post. You never fail to make me laugh. By the way – you will be (or may be) interested to know that I finally painted a pumpkin – just for you – thanks for pestering! Ha!

  6. carolking says:

    Dirt colored paint?
    Scratch off cancer?

    Where do you come up with this stuff? Me thinks you’ve been inhaling too many oil paint fumes.

    Lovely painting. I like the linework. Keep those hands above your head! Funny, funny post.

  7. wrjones says:

    Thanks Diana – I haven’t heard from Rebecca since billing for medical services that could have been rendered. I have to charge, you understand, I can’t be giving these estimates for free.

    David – you can call me Bill, but not shithead (that is reserved for Mom). You know how some painters disdain academic training as interfering with their ability to freely express their INNER selves and visions – it is exactly the same with surgery. If I had gone to all those classes I might never have the concept of using 20lb test and treble hooks to hold up those sagging breasts with the side effect of the grimace of pain tightening those facial muscles.

    Cara – I’m on my way to view that pumpkin in a moment. I hope your pumpkin painting didn’t give you scratch off cancer like mine did to me.

    Carol with the beautiful dog, I’m on my knees with arms reached over my head to type this. Never again will I let my hands get near my legs. I’ve hired a bracera to scrub my legs in the shower.

  8. Susan says:

    I keep looking for the pumpkin in the flower arrangement but can’t find it.

    Really Bill – people will think you’re an idiot (albeit a funny one) when you’re really a pretty smart guy, or an I bamboozled?

  9. Miki says:

    I love this painting a lot, Bill.

  10. wrjones says:

    Susan – really? There is no pumpkin there? Shoot! I must have taken those reference photos in the wrong field. Just my luck. There were two fields, one had these orange round things and the other had pretty colored flowers. Everyone raves about pumpkins I thought these must be them.

    Yep – a lot of people think I’m an idiot.

    Miki – Thanks, you are being kind. This is like the work of a 3 year old compared to your beautiful use of color.

  11. Rebecca says:

    Sh*#, thisfu*#inthumb keepsfalling offand Ican onlyusethespacebarwith my lefthand! damnthatdoctor!Should have usedBill;atleast hecanappreciatethe needforthumbs!

  12. Rebecca says:

    ps.I cant believeIwaitedsolongtoseemy namein lights! Imsofreakin lucky.ow ow ow

  13. wrjones says:

    Rebecca – with my cash flow problems I’m tempted to suggest reconstructive procedures led by me. I could, for example, reattach that wooden spoon thumb, lift sagging breasts, plump up both (or all three if you have them) lips, tuck the yummy or is that tummy – I’ve lost my anatomy book, for $29.95. But, I have changed my ways. I’m an honorable man now. You can connect that thumb yourself with some Gorilla Glue.

    Thought of you yesterday as I looked for a weed painting. I picked some stickery weeds that have my finger tips still sore today.

  14. Rebecca says:

    All the weeds look the same now…no loners of pure joy in my yard. still looking. Damned things don’t die, though, so I know I still have time before the major one day snow dusting storm of 08′. It’s bound to be a 1/4″ deep this year in Atlanta!

  15. wrjones says:

    Rebecca – Atlanta? Like in Georgia? I’ve got a great idea. You should look on Stone Mountain to see if there is a weed high up on the granite. That would make a spectacular painting.

    Wear some safefy equiptment for the search (and painting).

    If you have eye care insurance, for pete sakes get some new spectacles, the pair you have on are not becoming at all.

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