Wackopractor

by Lisa

Okay, I took the plunge. I finally decided to go to a chiropracter for my back since nothing else seems to be working and since now my lower back is acting up too. So many people rave about them, and I have always had my doubts, but I thought I had nothing to lose (but more money). A friend recommended her chiropractor. As it turned out he looked very young. I wondered if he had started shaving yet, and his voice even cracked. He was also heavily laden with cologne.

The first visit he took full sets of x-rays of my back which were difficult for me since standing up straight was very painful at the time. He sent me off telling me he had to analyze the x-rays and that I would need to come back in a few days. Great. No relief yet. When I returned a few days later, I was lead into an examining room where the x-rays were up on the lighted box with dozens of pen marks–lines and notes and numbers. Sure looked impressive. Then he asked me if he should deliver the bad news “straight up”. He gave it a long pregnant pause for effect. “Your left leg is 6mm’s shorter than your right leg” he said in his most serious this-is-right-up-there-next-to-cancer voice. Furthermore, there was nothing he could do about it. I thought about clutching his starched lapels and sinking to the floor as I wailed “NOOOOO”, but I maintained a serious face. “What does this mean doctor?” I asked in my best soap opera voice. He explained that it could account for why I keep pulling the muscle in my lower back. 

But that was not all of the bad news. I have curvature in my spine which he showed me in the side view. This, he told me, he could fix. I couldn’t resist asking him if it were at all possible that the fact that I was walking like cro-magnon man who’d been sat on by a mastodon the day I had had the x-ray taken might have ANYTHING to do with the posture situation. Nope. And that was when he brought out before and after x-rays of the last man that he had “fixed”.

I decided to go along with the charades because I had made up my mind that I wanted to have firsthand knowledge of chiropractors so that I can bash them with full confidence from now on. By God, I was going to get “adjusted” if it killed me. And drained my wallet. After a bit of fanfare with electrical stimulation and heat and a few incantations, the wackopractor was ready to attempt an adjustment. He had me lay on my side with one knee bent. He put one hand on my lower back, and one hand on my upper shoulder and started pulling my shoulder up and back which created such an uncomfortable stretch that I was just about to say “OKAY, that’ll do it”, when suddenly he SHOVED. CRUNCH went my back with a tremendously loud sound. I could hold my composure no longer. I burst out laughing. He looked very proud of himself. Through gales of laughter, I told him that I need to teach my husband how to do that. He gave me the serious face and told me that it took him nine years of training to learn how to do it. Then he wanted to know if I felt better. “I feel TALLER!” I said, tears pouring down my face. Yes, but did I feel looser he wanted to know. I tried to humor, but could only muster a silly “maybe”.

I was supposed to return for several days in a row at $43.95 a wack. Nah. I was done. I can’t get over the gullibility that it required of me. At least now I can say I did it. Maybe I just got a bad chiropractor. Like I said, he was awfully young. I wonder if he charged extra for the cologne.

I think I am going to try standard massage next. I want a great big male masseur (from Chippendales) with strong hands. And NO cologne.

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5 Responses to Wackopractor

  1. Lori says:

    My goodness Lisa, you aren’t going to believe this, but one of my friends went to a chiroquacker and thats exactly what he told her! Her leg was a half inch shorter than the other. Her spine was curved too.

    I told her something like gee, your spine is supposed to be curved and nobody is even. (my right arm is an inch longer for instance. Found that out when I went to a tailor to get a coat’s arms shortened. (killer deal from a thrift shop, nice leather coat)

    My mom warned me about chiroquackers years ago, look at cousin Harold she said. He admits to family he is a quack.

  2. Nava says:

    $43.95 a wack? Not too bad for something that takes like one minute. Oh wait – but it takes 9 years to learn, right? (a lot of this time is probably spent on teaching them how to keep a serious face), plus the chanting and incantations.

    When my plantar fasciitis was at its glorious peak, I was advised to go to one of them chiropractors. Maybe I should have, just for fun – now I shall forever live wondering if one of my toes is shorter than the other. But – with the cost of the podiatrist (who at least made it go away!), I decided I’d rather live in wonderment.

  3. That is a hilarious post but I’ve been lucky with chiropractor visits. One male Doctor didn’t seem to be able to move the spine as well. But, I went to a woman who really did the spinal manipulation well. I seriously did feel the energy flow return to my spine and felt freed up from stiffness and pain in my neck and shoulders.
    Thanks for the laugh, though and I hope you can get that Chippendale to work out the kinks…in your back, of course.

  4. When you’re in pain, you’ll try almost anything.

    Someday when I’m rich and famous I plan to have a massage therapist on staff for daily treatments. (I read that Bob Hope had at least one massage every day… sounds good to me!)

    I’d also like a housekeeper and a bookeeper on staff… and a gardener… oh and a full-time mechanic for all my vintage vehicles. And… as long as I’m dreaming, a handsome chef in the kitchen would be nice too.

  5. I was gullable enough to go for about 10 visits… I was better, but I think it just wore me down and outlasted the problem.
    My husband, however, swears that the chiropractor he went to caused the problem that had him screaming in pain and looking like a ridiculous torture victim with his neck in a sling attached to a long rope running over pulleys hanging from a hook on the door and finally attached to a sandbag.
    We at least didn’t have much luck with chiropractors.

    I HOPE Lisa that you do find a solution… I have heard that acupuncture works well…. At least all they can do is stick needles in you to take your mind off the pain in your back.

    Be well.

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