Okay, I took the plunge. I finally decided to go to a chiropracter for my back since nothing else seems to be working and since now my lower back is acting up too. So many people rave about them, and I have always had my doubts, but I thought I had nothing to lose (but more money). A friend recommended her chiropractor. As it turned out he looked very young. I wondered if he had started shaving yet, and his voice even cracked. He was also heavily laden with cologne.
The first visit he took full sets of x-rays of my back which were difficult for me since standing up straight was very painful at the time. He sent me off telling me he had to analyze the x-rays and that I would need to come back in a few days. Great. No relief yet. When I returned a few days later, I was lead into an examining room where the x-rays were up on the lighted box with dozens of pen marks–lines and notes and numbers. Sure looked impressive. Then he asked me if he should deliver the bad news “straight up”. He gave it a long pregnant pause for effect. “Your left leg is 6mm’s shorter than your right leg” he said in his most serious this-is-right-up-there-next-to-cancer voice. Furthermore, there was nothing he could do about it. I thought about clutching his starched lapels and sinking to the floor as I wailed “NOOOOO”, but I maintained a serious face. “What does this mean doctor?” I asked in my best soap opera voice. He explained that it could account for why I keep pulling the muscle in my lower back.
But that was not all of the bad news. I have curvature in my spine which he showed me in the side view. This, he told me, he could fix. I couldn’t resist asking him if it were at all possible that the fact that I was walking like cro-magnon man who’d been sat on by a mastodon the day I had had the x-ray taken might have ANYTHING to do with the posture situation. Nope. And that was when he brought out before and after x-rays of the last man that he had “fixed”.
I decided to go along with the charades because I had made up my mind that I wanted to have firsthand knowledge of chiropractors so that I can bash them with full confidence from now on. By God, I was going to get “adjusted” if it killed me. And drained my wallet. After a bit of fanfare with electrical stimulation and heat and a few incantations, the wackopractor was ready to attempt an adjustment. He had me lay on my side with one knee bent. He put one hand on my lower back, and one hand on my upper shoulder and started pulling my shoulder up and back which created such an uncomfortable stretch that I was just about to say “OKAY, that’ll do it”, when suddenly he SHOVED. CRUNCH went my back with a tremendously loud sound. I could hold my composure no longer. I burst out laughing. He looked very proud of himself. Through gales of laughter, I told him that I need to teach my husband how to do that. He gave me the serious face and told me that it took him nine years of training to learn how to do it. Then he wanted to know if I felt better. “I feel TALLER!” I said, tears pouring down my face. Yes, but did I feel looser he wanted to know. I tried to humor, but could only muster a silly “maybe”.
I was supposed to return for several days in a row at $43.95 a wack. Nah. I was done. I can’t get over the gullibility that it required of me. At least now I can say I did it. Maybe I just got a bad chiropractor. Like I said, he was awfully young. I wonder if he charged extra for the cologne.
I think I am going to try standard massage next. I want a great big male masseur (from Chippendales) with strong hands. And NO cologne.