9 Iron

By W.R. Jones

    The face of an angel, instrument of the devil.  About 10PM Mango was hiding under the bed with my wife fearful of trying to get him out.  He was growling and had bitten her in the past.  I, having watched not one, but several episodes of Dog Whisperer, knew how to handle this.  I told my wife she had to be the pack leader.  I also said something to the effect that I was annoyed at being bothered and was only going to show her once how to take charge.

    I kneeled down and told Mango in my pack leader voice to get out from under the bed.  When he neither replied nor complied I stuck a forceful pack leader arm in there to drag him out by the collar.

    Ow, Ow, Ow!  You little ASSHOLE, you bit me!  I retracted my arm in a very swift pack follower motion.  He came out and looked at me – I could read his doggy mind (a skill picked up from watching Dog Whisperer).  He was thinking, “Oh really, was that your finger?  I thought it was that cold greasy pork rib you gave me.  My bad.”

    The following verbatim quotes will give you a glimpse of the hierarchy in our house.  My wife, “You are bleeding.”  Me, “I know, call the ambulance.”  Her, “Don’t get blood on Mango.  It is too late to give him a bath; he is all stressed out and needs his sleep.  And, don’t get blood on the carpet either.  I’m going to bed, goodnight.  Oh, and thanks for getting Mango out, you are really quite the dog handler.”

    A week passes and I’m in the bathroom one morning getting ready for work.  I woke up jackjawed at the world.  I’m not getting enough sleep because of that dog.  He barks when my brother-in-law comes in at midnight, then at 3AM he starts with the paw to the face and soft (considerate) barking.  This is to wake me up to carry him down to use his facilities.  You can’t ignore him.  If you do you are very apt to find he has left a pile on your pillow.  He will sit at the foot of the bed with his devil dog eyes glowing – “told you I had to go.”

    So I’m in the bathroom pissed when I glanced at myself in the mirror; my stomach plummeted straight down when I saw the white foam.  I screamed at my wife, “OH MY GOD, LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR.  I”VE GOT RABIES, I MIGHT BITE YOU.”

    Later, I got hungry so I asked her to make me some breakfast.  “How can I feed you with the door locked?” she asked.  “Here, use this bowl to slide some oatmeal under the door.”  Material science was one of my weaker subjects theoretically speaking.  But here is a practical tip I learned.  If you push hard enough to get that ceramic bowl under the door, it will break.  At this point I was on the floor crying into a towel at the thought of losing me.

    I looked into the mirror to say farewell to myself when, low and behold, no foam.   For Christ’s sake, it was dribbled toothpaste not rabies. 

    I’m going to live.  Here you can picture an old man jumping HIGH into the air clicking his heels together.   Fast forward past the next part where he is sitting on the bathtub edge holding his injured foot.  “HONEY – come unlock the door, I don’t have rabies, I’m OK”  Her, “No.”  “Why not?”  Her, “You called my dog an asshole.”

    I once worked for a wealthy man who lived in a large house with a large yard.  He would describe the distance of his front lawn from the porch to the street as a full 9 iron.

    I no longer get Mango out from under the bed by hand.  However, it is not a full 9 iron, just a little chip shot.

This entry was posted in Humor, On Suffering. Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to 9 Iron

  1. 100swallows says:

    Funny, funny story, Bill. In Spanish they call their doggies and cats animales de compañía or mascotas–there’s no word like PET. I guess if the word didn’t exist in English you would never invent it for Mango.

  2. Wow Bill you must love your wife to put up with her dog like that. In my opinion, a dog that bites anyone (especially her own masters, good grief!) should be put down. Her cuteness is not enough to put up with her rotten behavior.

    I’m sure you don’t want to put her down though… maybe a muzzle would help. It would clench the barking too. Or you could bring her up here to rural north Idaho and let her stay outside for a night where she’d likely wind up in the food chain as owl or coyote snack. (I’m kidding on that last remark, folks… I’m not THAT heartless with bad dogs).

  3. Carol King says:

    Clearly the pack leader is Mango. And he’s got you and your wife wrapped around his little paw. And he’s not even a real dog. He is a devil.

    MY DOG (a real dog of 90+ lbs) does not bark, WOULD NEVER BITE ME, comes when called (mostly) and is quite gentle.

    You know that have previous seasons of the Dog Whisperer on DVD.


  4. wrjones says:

    Swallows – If I selected the word/s for Mango, it would be “evil in fur”. Liked your post today.

    Diana – I’ve tried feeding him to the coyotes by hanging a ham bone around his neck and tying him to the fence across the street. He apparently has excellent negotiating skills. When I return in the morning the ham bone is gone and there is a pile of choice rabbit and quail at his feet.

    We do have coyotes around. We lost one small dog to them. I had an English pointer that the coyotes would chase across the fields. One jumped my dog about 10 yards in front of me in broad daylight. Both the dog and I ran home with our tails between our legs. As I recall, I beat her home.

    Ya think, Carol? I guess I take it because I have low self exteem to go with my low bank account. Why don’t you fly out here and teach me to man up and shoot the little devil?

  5. Nava says:

    He does have a sweet angelic face, until you notice the glint in his eye. I stand at awe at your pact leader skills. Do you give workshops at that?

    Next time you get Rabies, your wife can slide pizza underneath the bathroom door. And fruit skin. (considering the mood you were, sounds like you’d be happy to chew on some Mango skin…)

  6. You need to introduce Mango to Silvina’s (Studio280.blogspot.com) rabbit killing pooch!

  7. nava4wp says:

    And I now have a face!

  8. bonnieluria says:

    Now how am I supposed to tie in this military serving, engineering grunt with a guy whose dogs name is bigger than his body?

    I have no comment to make about training methods.
    We had tail ends ( no pun ) of Hannah or previews of Ike, last night, which prompted our 55 pound dog, who trembles at lightning and thunder, to wedge himself in the bed inbetween us with his head under the sheet.
    We’re one body short of a Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.

    I remain silent in dog training methods.
    I am a sappy sucker for dogs, cats, birds, etc.
    Draw the line at insects.

  9. Barbara Pask says:

    That sweet looking little puppy couldn’t bit anyone, you must be making up this stuff.

  10. wrjones says:

    Nava – I like your healthy balanced diet of pizza and fruit. I think you will appreciate wordpress. It is much easier to track blog stats.

    David – I remember that dog. It was a beagle. Why oh why does my brain retain useless shit like that and drop critical info like where I live?

    Bonnie – hope those storms aren’t doing more damage to your life beyond sleeping with the dog. I have been in thunder storms where I wanted to be under the bed.

    As to the manliness factor of a dog named Mango (after a gay Saturday Night Live dancer), he is my daughter’s pooch. My dog would have a name like “Bronc Rider” or “Balls a Batch”.

    Barbara – know well the feeling of hitting the submit key and then noting the spelling error. Not to worry; if we can understand, gud nough.

    The blog companies should allow retracting or editing our own comments.

    I have been known to embellish a story, but the little bugger did draw blood.

  11. Melinda says:

    Oh, my. Love all of the comments and most of all the story of Mango and Masters.

    I, too, tried to be the pack leader (a la Cesar Milan) with dear fluffy, our border collie mix, and worked very hard to clip her nails with authority. I should have gotten stitches…

    Oh, well, the German Shepherd respects me. Really. No, really.

    I hope your paintin’ arm isn’t hurt.

  12. Have you checked out Barbara Pask’s latest post and painting of her dog? I wouldn’t get within 10 miles of that pooch!!!!!

  13. I spelled everything correctly in my latest comment…I think. I do need to back pedal a wee bit. Barbara’s dog, I’m sure, is as lovable and gentle as a dog can be, but we all know that in portraiture painting (wether animal or human) a slight twist in one’s brush motion can change the character of the portrait. Her painting is fine indeed, but that slight twist in the mouth scares me!

  14. gypsy-heart says:

    Hmmm…I think you should allow Mango to tell his side of the story..you know as a guest writer on the blog. He just looks too sweet and innocent..and we know your bad boy history ’cause you told us!

    So until I hear Mango’s side of the story I’ll withhold judgment. :)

  15. You are way too funny!!! And quite the artist!!

  16. wrjones says:

    Melinda – I was so excited this morning as Mango came straight to me when I said “come”. Then I noticed I had a big block of cheese in my hand. I’m the pack grocer.

    David – nice spelling recovery.

    You are right about the Pask household resident devil dog, Benny. He looks like he is going straight for the nose like a pit bull.

    Gypsy-heart – Mango will lie through his canine teeth. He will deny biting me at all then he will blame it on momentary insanity brought on by a boring diet of dry dog pellets.

    Theresa – I’m so glad you dropped by. I was telling a friend yesterday I had stumbled across a site of a woman who was a great painter but I couldn’t remember the path. Now I can add a link to look at your wonderful work on a consistent schedule.

  17. Bill … it’s “self-esteem” not “self-exteem!” :D

  18. wrjones says:

    No shit? <— This is a bad comment. It was a knee jerk retort brought on by my years of training with friends. When we stated the obvious this is what we would get back.

    Janet – I abjectly appologize. What I should have seen was opportunity that would benefit us both. Finding spelling/punctuation/grammatical errors in my ramblings is like candy from a baby.

    What I propose could lead to a team that will go down in history. You leave that God awful area you live in where it actually snows and move to balmy California next to me. You could be my chief editor. The position gives you direct axcess to Mango where you can bond when you walk him and wash his dirty butt. We could share bathroom pizza and fruit skins. The position also offers you the first choice of buying my new pieces. This really translates to having first choise on ANY painting I have every produced as they are (as yet) unspoken for.

  19. So, are you the blogger that has been looking at so many of my past winter entries lately? I thought maybe you were missing all of our snow. And this summer, it has rained and thundered nearly every day.

    You’re right! Finding spelling/punctuation/grammatical errors in your writing is quite easy. (axcess? every produced?) This is fun!!! :lol:

  20. wrjones says:

    Oh, my God, I read that soooo carefully. You are probably going to need an assistent to handle the volume.

  21. grfxho says:

    It’s “assistant,” dear Bill. I’ve always said you could use all the help you can get…

  22. wrjones says:

    It looks like I’ve spilled the can of speling wurms.

  23. kay crain says:

    OMG, I forgot how funny your blog is. I must traipse over here more often!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  24. Mango looks pretty vicious he does. I could only imagine the horror you must have gone through from the bite this wild creature gave you. It is a wonder your finger is still in tact. – enjoyed your story.

  25. wrjones says:

    Actually, Preston, there are still some marks on my fingernail. I may carry these scars for life or at least until the nail grows out and I bite it off.

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