By W R Jones
Some gifts are not as wonderful as they might first seem. I had been out behind the mules (gas prices being what they are) in the hot sun all day. I came in, made myself some lemonade, and went out back to wash up. By the time I came back in some gifting twit had put flowers in my lemonade.
I once gave my wife a shotgun for Christmas. What was I thinking? Don’ know. Sometimes I have these ripples in my brainwaves that science has been unable to explain.
That little creamer on the left holds my simple sugar. I have a friend who, on a recent cruise, kept asking the waiters for simple sugar for his coffee, iced tea, etc. They must have thought my friend was simple minded.
Yesterday I was getting gas at a Shell station where I was assailed by that damn pump TV. “Welcome to Shell…” If those Shell people were a bit smarter they would read the credit card and welcome you by name. “Good morning, Bill, why don’t you go inside and have a cup of coffee; start your day right.” There are many many many in this world stupid enough to think the pump knew them. “Ya, I always git my gas down to the Shell place. My pump knows me there. Likes me too.”
The TV went on about how the Shell people determined what Americans wanted was free gas. No shit, how much research did it take to determine people would like free gas.
The oil barons are way ahead of us here. The pump told me Shell is now giving away $2900 in free gas EVERY day. Jesus H. Christ, how can they afford that kind of generosity? Let’s see, that is $2900 at retail, so their cost might be say $500. Then they write that off as an advertising cost. There are an estimated 200,000 gas stations in the US. I don’t know how many are owned by Shell but I expect there would be at least 3000. That would make their giveaway $1 per station. Did you want to get in line for that?
For a company with profits in the BILLIONS this amount is not even the equivalent of that two cents a day I pledged (well, I was going to pledge) to feed starving children someplace.
The board meeting must have sounded something like this –
John – Our customers are getting restless with these high prices.
Lionel – Screw em. The wormy bastards have been buying cars with better gas mileage. They are doing their damnest to beat my own deserving children out of their yachts and villas.
Robert – I’ve got an idea, why don’t we give away some free gas? That will bring the suckers in droves. We can sell em some coffee which is even more profit per gallon.
Bertrand – Good idea, I propose we give away $2900 a day in gas.
Robert – $2900? How did you come up with that number?
Bertrand – My uncle Buck was born on the 29th, next Tuesday is the 29th. In another 20 years he will be 100.
Lionel – Ok, but who is going to pay for this? It is not coming out of my bonus, by God. I only got $10,000,000 this year, and my options have dipped to less that $150,000,000.
John – We could cut back on the station owners’ profits. They are still above minimum wage I think.
Robert – Well, gentlemen, this has been very productive. I’ve got a tee time to make. God save the Hummer!
John, Bertrand, Lionel in unison – God save the SUV.