The Gift

By W R Jones


    Some gifts are not as wonderful as they might first seem.  I had been out behind the mules (gas prices being what they are) in the hot sun all day.  I came in, made myself some lemonade, and went out back to wash up.  By the time I came back in some gifting twit had put flowers in my lemonade. 

    I once gave my wife a shotgun for Christmas.  What was I thinking? Don’ know.  Sometimes I have these ripples in my brainwaves that science has been unable to explain.

    That little creamer on the left holds my simple sugar.  I have a friend who, on a recent cruise, kept asking the waiters for simple sugar for his coffee, iced tea, etc.  They must have thought my friend was simple minded.

    Yesterday I was getting gas at a Shell station where I was assailed by that damn pump TV.  “Welcome to Shell…”  If those Shell people were a bit smarter they would read the credit card and welcome you by name.  “Good morning, Bill, why don’t you go inside and have a cup of coffee; start your day right.”  There are many many many in this world stupid enough to think the pump knew them.  “Ya, I always git my gas down to the Shell place.  My pump knows me there.  Likes me too.”

    The TV went on about how the Shell people determined what Americans wanted was free gas.  No shit, how much research did it take to determine people would like free gas.

    The oil barons are way ahead of us here.  The pump told me Shell is now giving away $2900 in free gas EVERY day.  Jesus H. Christ, how can they afford that kind of generosity?  Let’s see, that is $2900 at retail, so their cost might be say $500.  Then they write that off as an advertising cost.  There are an estimated 200,000 gas stations in the US.  I don’t know how many are owned by Shell but I expect there would be at least 3000.  That would make their giveaway $1 per station.  Did you want to get in line for that?

    For a company with profits in the BILLIONS this amount is not even the equivalent of that two cents a day I pledged (well, I was going to pledge) to feed starving children someplace.

    The board meeting must have sounded something like this –

John  –  Our customers are getting restless with these high prices.

Lionel  –  Screw em.  The wormy bastards have been buying cars with better gas mileage.  They are doing their damnest to beat my own deserving children out of their yachts and villas.

Robert  –  I’ve got an idea, why don’t we give away some free gas?  That will bring the suckers in droves.  We can sell em some coffee which is even more profit per gallon.

Bertrand  –  Good idea, I propose we give away $2900 a day in gas.

Robert  –  $2900?  How did you come up with that number?

Bertrand  –  My uncle Buck was born on the 29th, next Tuesday is the 29th.  In another 20 years he will be 100.

Lionel  –  Ok, but who is going to pay for this?  It is not coming out of my bonus, by God.  I only got $10,000,000 this year, and my options have dipped to less that $150,000,000.

John  –  We could cut back on the station owners’ profits.  They are still above minimum wage I think. 

Robert  –  Well, gentlemen, this has been very productive.  I’ve got a tee time to make.  God save the Hummer!

John, Bertrand, Lionel in unison – God save the SUV.

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17 Responses to The Gift

  1. You son-of-a-bitch pinko commie artist! Should of known you were an ignoramus! Can you spell “trickel (I obviously cant’!) down economy” ?! They trickel and we stay down…that’s Capitalism!!! Go back to your hole and paint cus ya know nothing about how our county is run!

  2. Dawn says:

    You missed your calling….you should be a comedian or a writer. It’s still a creative outlet. I enjoy reading and laughing at your sense of humor! I should tell me friend about your blog..she’s a writer also.
    I cannot write well at all!!!@#%^&*

  3. Erin M says:

    LOVE the humor Bill. Just got gas myself today & was thinking similar things with that TV blasting images at me…how benevolent of them to give away gas! (And why, oh why, am I never the recipient of such generosity?) God Bless the Prius! LOL

  4. bonnieluria says:

    I love the alternate title of this blog- ” On Ranting”.
    Maybe you didn’t know about it.

    How do you find time to paint when these thoughts escape and demand to be written down? How did you survive before blogging? where did it all go?

    You make lemonade with lifes’ lemons and then you make us spew it out of our noses as we laugh.
    Nice guy.
    AND you find time to paint. Really well.

  5. Nava says:

    Nice shape you created here, combining the white vase (or lemonade jug?) with the simple sugar creamer and the plate. And, the flowers are having a very nice colorful dialogue with those nice juicy plump supple…. uhm… lemons (maybe it’s my crazy imagination, but have you been to Hooters lately? ‘coz that’s what popped into my mind when I saw the large version of the image).

    I think the flowers should go to Bertrand’s uncle for this birthday next week.

    Oh, BTW, I didn’t know Jesus had a middle name? Harold? Homer?

    Nava
    (still slacking, still playing football with a frozen water bottle)

  6. Carol King says:

    Hey, how come you didn’t dedicate THIS one to me too? Just cause you have time to track conversations in a major oil company board room AND work AND paint doesn’t mean I can’t get another dedication! I take the subway to work and walk all over the neighborhood. I hate to drive. With all that walking I’m so tired I don’t have time to paint. But am planning on working on something in the next few days. Really.

  7. wrjones says:

    David, David – I’m not a pinko commie, I’m a Siberian Snow Sucking commie. Our economic policy is: what’s mine is mine; what’s yours we share. If that word trickle is giving you grief try tinkle or toodle.

    Dawn – do tell your friend about this place, and tell her I’m very guapo and 6’4″. If you can’t lie to your friends who can you lie to?

    Erin – if you own a Prius you are too smart to hang out at a place like this.

    Bonnie – I was not aware of the alternative blog title. It must be used only when Lisa blogs (and it does make sense for her). I really don’t have much time to paint; averaging maybe 3 hrs/week. I’m working on two portraits with one being 72″ high. This is sucking up my little bit of time. I need to crank out a few small pieces to have blog fodder.

    Nava – Maybe that Hooters connection is the reason I had such a hard time putting those lemons down. I kept wanting to hold them in my lap while I painted the “jugs”. If you are unaware of the middle initial of Jesus, perhaps you should spend a little more time with your bible. But, God loves you even if you are reading junk magazines.
    The Right Reverend Shifty Greenbacks – send your money directly to God through me.

    Carol – this post is dedicated to you. I was going to call you at 2:00AM to inform you of this honor but found myself sound asleep.

  8. Anna Surface says:

    That is a gorgeous painting! Love it! LOL I enjoyed this post! LOL What I can’t stand is the offer for a car wash that pops up. I could care less for an expensive car wash!

    H. H for Hey…. :)

  9. Gol’ darn it, Bill…
    You ALWAYS make me smile… THANKS!

  10. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Anna – you are right about that stupid car wash item. It used to come up after you finished, now it is before you start pumping. I always forget, turn away and wonder why the pump doesn’t start.

    Marian – we should probably go drinking together. Can you keep smiling and pay for drinks?

  11. Nava says:

    Ah – but I AM reading the bible. Only my bible is the original, real one (not the one translated to English)and it does not mention Mr. Christ. Hence my ignorance.

  12. Dar says:

    I have a white pitcher that mocks me. I can’t seem to get it right. Dammit, now I have to try again, because yours is so nice.
    I’m designing a hamster-powered car, but it’s nocturnal. I went to an electric car factory last month. http://www.myersmotors.com/ (I didn’t buy one.)
    How about a simple sugar powered vehicle?

  13. wrjones says:

    Nava – I will be up in your area soon. You should join me for a bible study. There must be an H in there somewhere.

    Dar – don’t take any shit from a pitcher. Throw it against the wall if it won’t sit still for you to get a decent painting. A sugar powered vehicle would be a bicycle. I was in a shop recently that was LOADED with bikes in the $5000 to $8000 range. They are so beautiful. I want one. I really like your idea of riding around eating candy.

  14. grfxho says:

    That’s all we need… Bill on two wheels, hopped up on some crazy sugar high and packing heat.

  15. wrjones says:

    Hey, God damn it, I have NEVER abused candy. What? Ok, I may have mixed chocolate and Red Vines on occasion when I was very depressed. I should not be held accountable for this as I was force fed carrots as a toddler. If not for this toddler abuse I may have been a broccoli eating senator by now.

  16. gypsy-heart says:

    I am the invisible woman at the Gate station. They always say “welcome to Gate pump 2 or 5 or whatever..except my pump. I’ve been going there for years, and they have never said that to me..no matter what pump I’m at. :O

    I like this piece. I like the colors and the composition..how the flowers go off the canvas and the lemons are half hidden.

    I told you I’m not witty enough to comment here anymore..it is like a comedy zone now. :)

  17. wrjones says:

    Gypsy-heart, Lisa, as we all know, is as full of shit as the Christmas goose, but you are always welcome to stop by and chat with me if you are looking for more normal conversation.

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