ABC

By W R Jones

    ABCD fishies, LMNO fishies.   My father told me this short alphabet ditty when I was a few years old.  Turns out, these were apparently the only letters that stuck with me.  I wish he had made up a verse for the remaining letters.

    Remember those school days when you had a spelling list of 20 new words to learn each week?  Now I seem to be on a program of forgetting 20 new words a week.

    I must use the Word program spellcheck on each word I write.  Thus it takes me a week to finish one paragraph.   Often I can’t even spell close enough for Word to figure it out.  Then I try to google the word.  It is remarkable in its ablility to determine the actual word you want.  “Did you mean – spelllikethis – you dumb shit?”

    When I’m so far off that google can’t help, I substitute for the “word that can’t be spelled”.  However, the thesaurus part of my brain has sustained considerable damage as well.  Then I’m in trouble and start pissing away large chunks of time looking for a word/s that will work so that no one will know I’m an idiot.

    Yesterday I wanted to use the word mayonnaise – I don’t remember what for.  I typed  manoaise into Word.  I knew the spelling was wrong and was seeking help; not close enough.  I tried it with 2 n’s; nope.  Then I tried the various combinations of oai with a single and a double n; nothing. 

    Screw it, I thought, I will use “ketchup” – they won’t know the difference.  By the way, ketchup can be spelled catsup as well. 

    Later in the day I thought to look up eggs and oil to find the word mayonnaise.  Who in the hell put that ‘y’ in there and what for?   Even later – oh ya, you tell them to hold the mayo not mano.

    This spelling business sucks.  I know how to spell that word.

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This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Still Life. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to ABC

  1. Dar says:

    ABCD puppies?
    LMNO puppies!
    OSAR.
    CMPN?
    I hope this very nice still life wasn’t done through a window like the last one, as most communities frown upon strangers peeping into preschool classrooms.

  2. Wow! My spelling s..u..c..k..s as well, and I too have to go through similiar girations. In fact, right now my Mac is telling me that “similiar” and “girations” are spelled wrong! Do you know how to spell “subtle” Dr. W.R.? Of course you don’t! Who in their right mind would put a “b” in that word?! German is the way to go. German words are spelled phonetically (oh my god!!!…I spelled that word correctly!!!…they say that if you put a monkey in front of a typewriter, it will type out a short sentence given 900 quad billion years to do it!). Das ist alles und aufweidesehen. Dumb shit computer thinks these are english words and are spelled wrong! Ach du liebe!!

  3. bonnieluria says:

    Very funny post and comments too.
    Spell check- hmmmm, you have to know how to spell the word in the first place or else you get substitutes that are non sequiturs. ( perfect example- this wordcheck didn’t recognize this word, but my dictionary did ).
    Try looking up chrysanthemum, and getting croissant instead!

    Try giving that lovely apple in your painting to the teacher, and get a life time of spell checks in return.

  4. Same problem here. Although this week I’m quite happy with myself because I finally, for the 10th time in my life, learned how to spell rhythm. speaking of which – you know the abc ditty we learned, is all about rhythm, not fishes or puppies or even chickies. The only word I can remember are at the end “Now I know my abc’s, tell me what you think of me.” Is that right?

  5. Spell check can be amusing, especially when I sign emails to my sister with xoxoxoxo.

  6. Bill – I can totally relate! Sometimes when that annoying little phrase “word not found” pops up on my screen I take it real personal…like my computer is just screwing with me. I type in all variations and then yell “Oh come on – work with me here” at the monitor. I really believe there’s a little man sitting inside laughing his ass off at me and with- holding the correct word just to see me make a fool out of myself.

  7. wrjones says:

    Dar – I took this setup from the neighbor’s nursery. That infant will never miss it. I took his mobile as well. It has neat stuff on it. It is hanging over my bed now. I have to go, it is nap time.

    David – I am blown away by your mastery of Spanish. I have always thought of the Spanish as Mexicans with an attitude and a lisp.

    Bonnie – every time I see that cute little foot, I run to see what you have to say (I just walk for David). I tried to spell that flower once and had to go with rose instead.

    Susan – I have the same problem with the word forty. I keep writing fourty on my checks then crossing out the u. Then I draw an arrow to the x and write it is not an x but a correction so the bank won’t think I’m illiterate.

    Diane – xoxo to u.

    Cara – I threw my computer against the wall. Now I have to write longhand.

  8. gypsy-heart says:

    I so understand. Thank god for spell check until you can’t get it close enough for spell check to help! :O

    This is why I paint..no need for words..eh?

    Good painting by the way, with an interesting composition! :)

  9. wrjones says:

    Thanks Gypsy. Even though I paint, I still find the need for words. Such as, that is a cow, not a rock.

  10. 100swallows says:

    I love those “Did you mean…?” suggestions too. Hey–is that my imagination, Bill, or are your colors getting brighter?

  11. wrjones says:

    Swallows – I’ve been painting flowers so maybe some of that color has leaked into my other work. In general I prefer subdued color.

  12. lewks lik wee r awl a bunch of crumy spelers.

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