Rat Bitch

By WR Jones


    No, this woman is not a bitch, far as I know.  If you’re interested in that you’d have to ask her husband.    I don’t even know her.  She was sitting in the bus station when I was trying to convince those Greyhound people to give me a free ride to Las Vegas to play the nickel slots.  I patiently explained over and over that the bus was so damn uncomfortable they should pay me to ride; I was, in effect, offering them a deal.

    The other day my wife and I were standing in our garage when she claimed she saw a rat.  I asked if it was a mouse or a rat.  She said it was big.   I went to the local rat amorory (grocery store) to stock up on poison and traps.  I got two types of traps, the old fashion spring kind and a newer quick release version.

    I figured, if I caught a rat, the quick release would prove beneficial.  I could wait until Mango woke me up at 2AM to carry him outside to pee, then reach over the fence and “quick release” the rat corpse into the neighbor’s pool.   From the sound of that motor, his filter should skim it right off.

    I had my wife set the old spring version.  Jesus, those things are scary.  They will do a job on you finger, ask my wife.   Once she had it set I told her I thought it would have been better to put the bait on BEFORE setting the trap.   Still, I told her, if you are fast enough you should be able to get the peanut butter on and your hand out of there ahead of the spring –  she wasn’t.   Do you have any idea how hard it is to set a broken finger when you’ve had no formal training?   The wikipedia directions weren’t all that clear.  Those earmuffs I use for shooting really came in handy; she’s a screamer.

    For the next few days I put out a block of poison every night and every morning the block would be gone.  Not nibbled on, gone.  This was a tough group of rats.  I didn’t want to be in the garage anymore.  I had my wife pull out my car each morning.  I would wait for her out front.  When she asked why I didn’t get the car myself, I told her I was waiting to see if she flushed the rat/s.  Then I would shoot them from my tree stand. 

    I was up in the front yard tree in my new insulated mossy oak camo bibs.  They really work.  I was sweating my ass off.  I don’t think they were meant for July use.  On the glass-half-full side, I made my weight in case I felt like wrestling.  I had my rifle and night vision goggles as well.  Bring it on you rat bitch.

    My concern about wearing a mossy oak pattern in a sycamore tree proved valid, the newspaper delivery man spotted me and called the police.   Well, I’m here to tell you that was embarassing.  I had to climb down from the tree and explain it wasn’t a real rifle, just a broom with a front sight I mounted for shooting dust bunnies from under my bed.  Also, my night vision goggles were home made from an old sports drink bottle (I’m into this green movement – recycle).  You really couldn’t see shit through them.

    The rats are gone now.  My wife and brother-in-law cleaned the garage this weekend.  I would have helped, but cleaning the garage is edging very close to being work.


    1.  On the glue trap it said for humane release apply vegetable oil and use a pencil.  Are you shitting me?   I want the “RACK” trap so I can crank the wheel and ask where their babies are sleeping.

    2.  My daughter had a college roommate whos father was so concerned about a mouse’s welfare, he freed the mouse from some duct tape and let the mouse go even after it bit him.

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13 Responses to Rat Bitch

  1. ivdanu says:

    You could still start a Saki like career, Bill. You could entitle your first collected short stories “The Adventures of Billy the Kidder”…

  2. wrjones says:

    Ivdanu – I had to wiki Saki, I thought you were talking about drinking Japanese wine, which really isn’t a bad idea.

  3. THis is comedy sitcom material – truly. Have you considered screenwriting? Acting? You could be the next Ray Lamano. ANd by the way, your sketch is absolutely TOP RATE!

  4. wrjones says:

    Susan, you really know how to hurt a guy. I have been writing drama here. I see myself as a Matt Damon type in Bourne Identity. Can you see it?

  5. Nava says:

    “mounted for shooting dust bunnies from under my bed”

    How could you!? Dust bunnies are an important link in the evolutionary chain, and they are becoming extinct as I write!

  6. wrjones says:

    Oh my God, Nava, I’m so sorry to have caused you this unnecessary stress. I should have mentioned I’m not allowed to use real bullets. I simply say “BANG” this scares them out from beneath the bed, down the stairs, and under the family room sofa. I’m also not allowed to drink beer on the sofa so I don’t really care what’s under it.

  7. OK… time for my “rat” story. One day I opened one of my studio cabinets above a kitchen area only to be met by a mess that would make a college frat. boy proud. Then I heard a scurrying sound…I got this rat cornered, the f–ker! From about 4 feet distance, I started tossing kneaded erasers,pencils, brushes, and other art supplies into the cabinet. The bastard all of a sudden jumped onto the counter top and then onto the floor and I KNEW THAT THIS RAT CARRIED THE BUBONIC PLAGUE!!!! In a nano second I pivoted and ran out the front door of the studio, but half way I felt a sharp pain. The rat fink bit me!!! Outside it felt like he had bitten a huge chunk off the bottom of my heel!. I wasn’t standing right…it felt funny! Meanwhile the female artist I was sharing studio space with said “Take off your pants!” Either she was taking the opportunity to see me in my shorts or she felt the rat ran up my leg. I sat down to check my heel. No bite, no blood!?!? I got up and couldn’t walk without limping. I let my situation go on for weeks on end feeling that I just sprained my foot. I finally saw several foot doctors and found out that I partially tore my achilles! Too late for an operation. I wore a device on my leg for a spell to help my gait, but finally tossed it as my body adjusted and the limp went away. I am now very careful about sudden moves and strenuous running. And from the quick glimpse I got of the “rat” I know that it was really a mouse…EEEECK!!!!

  8. PS: Please, no more rat stories…you’re scaring me! Unlike Mango, I’m very sensitive to wild critters.

  9. wrjones says:

    David – I think maybe you were shot in the heel with an arrow. I remember reading about it someplace. As for the plague – take a couple of aspirin and elevate your feet.

  10. bonnieluria says:

    Rat bastards, they are. Ugh!
    We have, as you’d imagine way too many critters and I understand we live in their world, not the other way around.
    Hence- two dogs outside = rat control.
    Two cats inside= mouse/lizard/waterbug patrol.

    WR- your imagination is endless, ceaseless and your art is damn good too.

  11. Dianne Mize says:

    What worries me is that all these rats and dust bunnies and cops and lap dancers (they had to be around somewhere) are causing mold to develop on your paintbrushes.

  12. wrjones says:

    Bonnie – I have a friend whos cat brings live mice, birds, and lizards into her house to play with them. The cat will be very gentle for awhile, setting the mouse down just right and then waiting for it to run. Of course, the next day the game is over and there are mouse body parts to be picked up.

    Oh, Oh, Dianne – you might not want to read my next post. I struggle to produce enough paintings to post as I only have about 3 hours/week to paint. I am going away next week for a full 5 days of painting so maybe I can produce 1 or two.

  13. ivdanu says:

    Myself, I prefer Wild Turkey to sake… but Saki is really something and if you are truthful and don’t know his short stories (awfully funny!) I kind of envy you for the wikipedia discovery… for the pleasure I suppose you’ll have reading him… your type entirely!

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