By W. R. Jones
Well, I have out done myself again. I have reached a pinnacle of stupidity never before seen or heard tell of.
A few years ago I went to a dermatologist to have her look at a spot on my leg. It was OK. I asked her if she thought I should come in for a yearly checkup. She replied it wouldn’t be necessary. Then she walked around past my left side to leave the room and exclaimed, “Oh Oh”. Those were chilling words. There was a dark spot inside my ear. She said that should not be there. A biopsy was negative but now she has me in every year for a full body check.
I have lots of odd looking spots now. They are benign old age marks. Depending on where they are, she will sometimes freeze them. Every touch of that “much colder than ice” qtip to my body is $90, and not covered by insurance.
Recently I was walking down the isle of the grocery store and noticed a product for use in freezing warts. It was only $10 for the whole can. “Hey”, says that idiot little voice in the back of my head, “a do it yourself spot remover. I can save a bundle here.”
When you freeze the skin, you are really burning it. The area turns black, then a week or two later the burned tissue falls or is rubbed off. I, fool that I am, applied this wart remover directly to my face. Now I look like a Dalmatian.
What the hell was I thinking? What if these black marks are permanent? I CAN NOT go to that doctor and ask for help. You can’t explain this kind of stupidty to anyone. I’m sure she knows I’m an idiot but I don’t like to make confirmation of first impressions such a slam dunk.
My lawyer says I’ve got a great case here. First of all there was no mention of trying the product on an inconspicuous area to test for color ruination. Secondly there was no label saying this product was not for use by Compleaaaat Idiots.
And me; I’m sitting here on the lawn in front of the fire station. They’ve adopted me.