By W.R. Jones
It must have been a ripple in my brain wave that made me to listen to Erin, the arerobics instructor at Oakridge, when she suggested I try her water aerobics class. Admittedly, I do fit the bill as a candidate for the class alright; old.
What we are looking at here is a class of old women water buffalos, and now me, a wrinkle assed old man who looks like he has been in a tub for 3 days straight.
I got out my old speedos and headed for the pool. First a quick check in the men’s room next to the pool to see how sharp I was lookin. ARGH… JESUS H. CHRIST… is that me? What the devil; why oh why did I look in that mirror? I was perfectly content with the image in my head. Now that has been trampled into the standing water on the floor of the men’s room. Oh my God, I look like a washer on a popsicle stick.
I tried to hide the washer by pulling my speedos up and over, i.e. until the stretched, worn elastic waistband was about clavicle high. But then my boys dropped out the bottom. This could cause panic out on the pool deck. I had to lower the shorts back down and live with the exposed washer.
The class, as you would imagine, was not that strenuous (although I did find it a worthwhile workout – and the water felt wonderful). Here is a tip – skip the squat and jump in the waist high shallow water. It will shuck those loose speedos right off.
I found myself looking at a set of trunks floating next to me in the water thinking, “how strange, a pair of swim trunks the same color as mine floating right here. What’s the chances of that happening?” I needn’t have worried, at my age you are invisible. This was demonstrated later in the class when I got a horrendous cramp in one calf muscle.
I was certain I was going to drown. Erin looked right at me as my eyes rolled back in my head like those wildebeests when the croc has them by the balls. Clutching my leg I side paddled to the edge of the pool. Then holding my ridged limb, it dawned on me my calf enhancer implant must have dropped out. OK, dropped off, I couldn’t face the thought of having my leg cut open during surgery so I had the doctor tape the calf bulkers on my legs.
There I was, hanging on the edge of the pool, whimpering at my near loss of life, and Erin, who watched this entire episode, FINALLY says, you ok? Like I said, at my age, you are invisible to the younger set.
And me, got me some new red speedos, can’t wait to get back in the pool.