Water Aerobics

By W.R. Jones

    It must have been a ripple in my brain wave that made me to listen to Erin, the arerobics instructor at Oakridge, when she suggested I try her water aerobics class.  Admittedly, I do fit the bill as a candidate for the class alright; old.   

    What we are looking at here is a class of old women water buffalos, and now me, a wrinkle assed old man who looks like he has been in a tub for 3 days straight.

    I got out my old speedos and headed for the pool.  First a quick check in the men’s room next to the pool to see how sharp I was lookin.   ARGH… JESUS H. CHRIST… is that me?  What the devil; why oh why did I look in that mirror?  I was perfectly content with the image in my head.  Now that has been trampled into the standing water on the floor of the men’s room.   Oh my God, I look like a washer on a popsicle stick. 

    I tried to hide the washer by pulling my speedos up and over, i.e. until the stretched, worn elastic waistband was about clavicle high.  But then my boys dropped out the bottom.  This could cause panic out on the pool deck.  I had to lower the shorts back down and live with the exposed washer.

    The class, as you would imagine, was not that strenuous (although I did find it a worthwhile workout – and the water felt wonderful).  Here is a tip –  skip the squat and jump in the waist high shallow water.  It will shuck those loose speedos right off.

    I found myself looking at a set of trunks floating next to me in the water thinking, “how strange, a pair of swim trunks the same color as mine floating right here.  What’s the chances of that happening?”   I needn’t have worried, at my age you are invisible.   This was demonstrated later in the class when I got a horrendous cramp in one calf muscle. 

    I was certain I was going to drown.  Erin looked right at me as my eyes rolled back in my head like those wildebeests when the croc has them by the balls.  Clutching my leg I side paddled to the edge of the pool.  Then holding my ridged limb, it dawned on me my calf enhancer implant must have dropped out.  OK, dropped off,  I couldn’t face the thought of having my leg cut open during surgery so I had the doctor tape the calf bulkers on my legs.

   There I was, hanging on the edge of the pool, whimpering at my near loss of life, and Erin, who watched this entire episode, FINALLY says, you ok?   Like I said, at my age, you are invisible to the younger set.

    And me, got me some new red speedos, can’t wait to get back in the pool.


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16 Responses to Water Aerobics

  1. Susan says:

    Are you calling me fat, you miserable jerk? You told me I looked good
    in my swimming suit.

    By the way, you should correct that drawing of yourself from a washer
    on a stick to a tractor tire.

  2. wrjones says:

    Ohhh – I forgot; I’ve got to stop drinking before making comments on appearance. Yep, 8 water buffalo, 1 wrinkled old guy, and a mermaid. You were looking fabulous. Say, did you happen to notice how big my calfs looked?

    You didn’t mean the back tires did you?

  3. lori says:

    Don’t you know speedos are illegal now! They make people go blind.

  4. wrjones says:

    I did not know that, Lori. Maybe that is why they were so expensive and why the guy kept going “shsst, shsst, hey mister, you want woman, or these speedos – same special price, only for you.”

    In order to avoid arrest I think I will get into the pool and then slip them off. I’m always one step ahead of the law.

    Signed – Billy the Kid (I wish)

  5. gypsy-heart says:

    Bill I don’t think you should be allowed out of the house without a chaperon. You get into trouble every where you go!

    I love the muscles on the arms!! hee,hee

    Thanks for making e laugh on a Monday evening!!

  6. After the age of 60, mirrors sind verboten, ja?!

  7. By the way…fabulous job weaseling your way out of Susan’s comment… “mermaid”…yea that iced it! You’re in gooood stead now with Susan!!!

  8. wrjones says:

    Gypsy – those are some big guns, huh? They come from all that gym work. I’ve had a few chaperons but they always quit from public embarassement after an hour or so.

    Oh ya David, I’m sure she has forgiven me by now.

  9. Anna Surface says:

    LOL LOL Ah, the image we hold of ourselves in our heads until a mirror says likewise. Love that drawing–a washer on a popsicle stick stick figure. Are those knobby knees? LOL How are those new red speedos doing for you?

  10. wrjones says:

    Hi Anna,

    I’m going to use the new Speedos, this Thursday. I’m sure I will look, as an old friend used to put it, like a rat turd – sharp on both ends.

    However, just to be safe, I think I will shy away from any reflective surfaces and just imagine how good I look.

  11. 100swallows says:

    This would make a wonderful mobile, Bill. Those wiry balanced fish and other shapes Alex Calder specialized in. But he never had the idea to do a self-portrait mobile. You could hang the washer separately and have the Bill move and swing inside. I see this hanging from the ceiling of bars everywhere–or from car mirrors like those Elvises of a few years back.

  12. I like the way 100swallows thinks! He’s a money maker for sure! Screw this art crap!

  13. OOPS! Goddamn, now it’s my turn to weasel out. I didn’t mean YOUR art crap, W.R., Your art will be hanging in the Guggenheim any day now! NO, I meant that if I go in with 100swallows, we could be rich and abandon OUR art crap! I’m really not even sure we need your permission, and anyway, once your art is ensconced in the Guggenheim, you will be rich beyond your imagination!! We all three should pool our money and purchase a pimped out a Lear Jet! Wouldn’t that be fun!!!!!?

  14. Edit: My first comment’s second sentence should read: He’s a real money maker for sure!
    I hate comment spelling errors.
    And…my third and hopefully final weaseling out: I did not imply in my second comment that WE could abandon our art crap. Surely his art will hang right beside yours at the Guggenheim! The only art crap is mine, all mine.

    Aren’t you glad I read and make comments on your blog?

  15. wrjones says:

    100swallows – That is a winner. Take this comment as a formal assignment of marketing rights so you can start moving product right away. I don’t know if I will be able to free myself up for the TV series, “Bobbing Billy”.

    David – I will take the liberty to edit your comments so feel free to speel bad like me. I’m delighted by your comments. 100swallows is very knowledgable and a very good, wonderfully entertaining writer on art history.

  16. 100swallows says:

    Bill: Now don’t you go around saying things like that about me–you’ll turn absolutely everybody off.
    I’ll order the first thousand bobbers and see how they do. I’ve got a Chinese manufacturer interested. (Hey–can you figure how David thinks HE’s going to get a cut out of this?)

    David: Swallows is a he and glad to make your acquaintance in spite of all the truth you write and then disclaim.

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