99.9 Percent

By W.R. Jones

    If you watch any TV at all, and let’s face it, you do, then you have seen the blitz of ads for bacteria killing sprays, soaps, rags, etc.   They often show children playing then returning home all dirty and scratched up.  Mommy then saves their lifes again.  EVERY day these kids are going to die if they are not hosed down with disinfectant.  I have this image of a diligent mother shoving a toilet bowl cleaning brush down her kid’s throat to get at those nasty germs in his stomach.

    The straw that broke my germ laden back was the ad for a Swiffer duster.  It showed a woman dusting/mopping a kitchen floor.  The claim is that it killed 99.9 percent of germs.  That is the number they all use.  Well, first of all, did that big clumsy cow break every dish in the house?  Are they eating off the floor?

    If you go over the floor a second time does it kill 99.9 percent of the surviviors of the first attack?   I’ve had math, I know how this works.  You get 99.9 percent of the remainder, then 99.9 percent of those survivors, then 99.9 percent ….. but, you can do this forever, the math people will use infinity, and never kill them all.

    So, now my question is – how long will it take that 1 remaining flesh eating bacteria to eat you?  Is it possible you could direct his eating patterns to work on those age spots first?  Could he be trained to trim the fat around your middle, like mowing the lawn one tiny, very thin row at a time?

    Here is a piece of info for all you big OCD dummies scrubbing yourself and the rest of the family raw – the number of bacteria cells in your body is about 10 times the number of human cells – SCRUB HARDER!

    Word for the day – IRONY, this may be my last post as I have a raging sore throat.  Maybe I should have bought that Swiffer, it was only 19.95 plus shipping.


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13 Responses to 99.9 Percent

  1. Rick Nilson says:

    If you had paid attention to the next commercial you would have realized that there is a condition and the cure is available without a perscription and then it’s……….ok. I think there is still time to insert a “coffincam” in with Nicole and sell time on Ebay. Thanks again, I am a photoholic. It’s been 3 paintings since I’ve had a photograph. No disrespect to the Rock Star. His people should be looking after his calves.

  2. wrjones says:

    I have ADD, Rick. Sometimes I can’t pay attention long enough to unsip my pants BEFORE peeing.

  3. Rick Nilson says:

    I’m sorry, did you say something. I was just sitting here wondering what kind of toothpaste Donnie Osmond uses. Now there’s a painting!

  4. kimiam says:

    I love your hero in petri dish. This is a masterpiece.

  5. wrjones says:

    Kimiam, you really have a eye for fine art. I hope you wiped the keyboard down before typing, otherwise you will have to cut off the tips of your fingers to get rid of those things.

  6. 100swallows says:

    Those two circles put Giotto to shame.

  7. Anna Surface says:

    My grandmother used to say that a little dirt won’t hurt you and was healthy. When she was a young woman, the floors of her first home was packed dirt. I think we kill so much of the good bacteria that we make ourselves ill. Has your sore throat calmed down a bit, Bill?

  8. ivdanu says:

    I wonder how those cavemen survived enough to reproduce without the germkillers and TV ads… Funny thing, I reckon (as Billy the Kid, played by Chris Christofferssen, use to say…)is that I seem to like more the surviving germ and his finger than the bunch of ohter dead (I reckon…) germs… nice, funny post, Bill…

  9. kevmoore says:

    I dont think all this germ killing is helping…just look at war of the worlds…if we get rid of our resistance to bacteria, the first thing comes along – bam, we’re dead. I will happily wade knee-high through festering macdonalds wrappers secure in the knowledge I will live to a sprightly 93.

  10. I agree whole heartedly with Kevmoore. We’re killing germs that most likely will be the last line of defense against alien invaders from outer space!!!! You do believe in alien invaders from outer space I hope!!!!! Are you going to do more truck mud guard art? I really get off on that if ya know what I mean.

  11. wrjones says:

    Swallows – These circles are known to us scientists as bacteria circles. They are too perfect to be drawn. What we postulate is that they come from tiny alien bacteria space ships. How else could they get to a surface without leaving any tracks? We think they enter the earth via the midwest in summer where their spaceship landing lights are mistaken for lightning bugs. When they land they virtually explode out of the ship. They have been multiplying to the point there are around 6 google of them in a very tiny craft. Their relationships suffer under such crowded conditions: One bacteria to another, “I swear to God if you split one more time, I’m going to Swiffer your ass.”

    Anna – My throat is better thank you. As a hypochondriac I’ve moved on to other symptoms. I wonder what the ratio to helpful vs harmful bacteria is.

    Ivandu – The surviving bacteria is Super Germ. He has on a cape but has not been able to find a woman to embroidery SG on it yet.

    Kev – You could follow behind when I ride in Lisa’s car. I throw out all my hamburger/candy wrappers. Think of it as innoculation. I prefer to toss them out her window as the fine is pretty steep for “littering” as the rule makers call it. I call it tossing shit out Lisa’s window.

    David – As a nearly world famous scientist I KNOW for a fact there are alien invaders. They are in my head telling me to take another drink and yes pure yellow will work for that red barn.

    I’m trying to do more mud flap art but it is tough going. Whenever I ask a potential model to show me her tits I get smacked in the eye. Then I say, “Ok, may I please see your BREASTS then?” They go for the other eye. This morning I drove to work with a white cane in my lap.

  12. chirousimaki says:

    hahaha lol thats a funny pic!!


  13. wrjones says:

    Chirosimaki – I don’t know how you can find this humorous. That is a CDC photo of a super bug that can give you a runny nose like you won’t believe. Better stock up on tissue paper. You can order it though me for cash.

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