Open Wide

by Lisa

I was too cranky to work yesterday, so there is no picture to post today, unless I decide to add a picture of Satan. I had my teeth cleaned.  Some of you may remember my post six months ago when I was last tortured under the evil guise of necessary oral hygiene care.  That cleaning was particularly awful supposedly because it had been almost two years since the previous cleaning.  So I made an effort to be astute this time, and did not cancel my six month appointment.

I am convinced that when a hygienist graduates from hygiene school they are awarded by a secret society, a certificate in sadism. They are set on their path to go out and hunt down unsuspecting people with perfectly good teeth and convince them that they need to come in for some good wholesome cleaning.  Their favorite instrument seems to be the meat hook. And the file that sharpens it.

I hate that vulnerability I feel when someone is in my mouth, and I can’t complain. I do make loud noises early, and I make them often. It does not seem to matter. Perhaps it even entertains the average hygienist/sadist. Oh does that hurt? As if she gives a damn. It certainly doesn’t stop her.  And then I get the same lecture every time. Do you floss? Every time I eat. Do you use toothpicks at the gum line? Sometimes, but it’s not very ladylike. Well if you would do that more often, your gums wouldn’t be so tender. Listen sweetheart. I can tell the difference between your scraping my teeth and your stabbing my gums. And the reason they bleed so badly is because you keep hitting arteries. Every time she would pull that hook out I imagined she was wiping off a chunk of my gum.

After she finally pulled out of my mouth and was smoking her cigarette, I couldn’t resist asking her a question that I had tried to focus on during the procedure. How do you work on someone with Tourette’s Syndrome? She found that quite amusing for some reason, though I was honestly curious. Said she had never encountered that or even thought of it, but I noticed a little glint in her eye. I found it hard to believe that they would not address that issue in dental hygiene school. They should. I surmised that they may have to be sedated, and decided then and there that that would be the disease I could come down with next time I go in for a cleaning. After all, they ask if there has been any change in your health.

She gave me my routine doggie bag of dental items and explained how to use each item like I had just come in on the last pumpkin wagon. I couldn’t help but to wonder why they don’t throw in one of those meat hooks while they’re at it. That way I could always have gums that look and feel like chopped steak. But I’ll go back in six months again. Wouldn’t want to give her any excuses to use excessive force.

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6 Responses to Open Wide

  1. Rick Nilson says:

    Yep,Yep. I love it. Funny and Crackwhore Transvestite Models. Yep, Yep, what else is there in this rich life we live? Thanks for the laugh. I will come back.

  2. rachellarkin says:

    hahaha…I happened to stumble upon your blog today (only because I posted on someone else’s and now wordpress has that thing every time you post, it shows other posts you may like).

    Anyway, I’m a hygienist (how’s that for chance)! Very funny post, but man cut us some slack. haha…I actually worked on someone with Tourette’s Syndrome…you have to stabilize their head while you work. It’s actually pretty difficult. But what I feel real badly about is they are usually so self conscious about it. It breaks my heart. Anyway, funny post, have a great day :)

  3. Ouch, my dentist growing up must have been a Nazi war criminal. It turned me off to the whole thing for life.
    I still don’t go very often. I need to go now for a molar that hurts and you just helped set that back another month.
    I’m with you, they poke and prod in there so hard like they are trying to make themselves some more work.
    Another entertaining post.

  4. lbtowers says:

    Oh Rachel Rachel Rachel. Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think a hygienist would find my post here. You’re not going to report me to the Secret Society are you? I really dread my next cleaning now. BTW, thank you for satisfying my burning curiousity about working on people with Tourettes. I would imagine that is very difficult.

  5. kevmoore says:

    Hi lisa, further to your commenst, wordpress does seem to be undergoing some strange happenings. our latest problem was trying to scroll down the box where you uploaded pictures. i came quite close to destroying perfectly innocent inanimate objects on that one. i think they’re upgrading everything, and there’s a whole lotta bugs!
    P.S. I wouldnt’ trust anyone else to clean my teeth except me….

  6. You wimpo! I have to go every 3 months!!! I’m a placque (spelling? Howcunya aint got no spell checker on this thing?!) machine!

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