Voice Transplant

By WR Jones

river.jpg

I was very happy at the edge of this river, but now I’m going to stand near the edge and scream, shout, holler, bellow, snort, wheeze, sniffle, and cry; anything to get a deeper sounding voice.

I called a wrong number early this morning and reached some unknown woman. Well, I suppose someone knows her but I don’t. “Hey, time to get up.” “Who is this?” “It’s me you big dummy.” “Bonnie?”

Bonnie?  What the devil do you mean Bonnie?  So I sound like a Bonnie to you, you big cow I hope you never get back to sleep.

I need a deeper voice.  I’ve had tele-asshole-marketers call, get me, and ask to speak to the man of the house.  That has been insulting enough, but this Bonnie business put me over the edge.

I’ve just come out from my hotel room where I have been scratching the back of my throat with a stick I found in the parking lot.  I’m thinking if I can gouge some grooves in the vocal cords maybe I will resonate.

Still, ever the optimist, maybe my voice will change when I grow out of adolescence.

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5 Responses to Voice Transplant

  1. Miki says:

    Very funny— I mean the way you tell your story. But as for your voice, sorry, what a catastrophe! Kevin might be able to give you a tip though, he is able to reach all kind of sounds in his throat, male and female ones. And if nothing helps, you still have the Biotechnology possibility, implanting a chip in your throat.

  2. Sorry Bonnie, eh, I mean Bill. Now you know how annoying it is for women when telemarketers won’t trust the “woman of the house” to decide whether or not she needs to have the carpet cleaned or purchase more insurance or subscribe to another credit card or magazine and on and on …

    (But never wish your life away, stay an adolescent as long as you can!)

  3. Carol King says:

    Smoking and drinking usually do the trick.

    My voice was an octave lower about 15 years ago! After a long night of cigarettes and booze, no one will call you Bonnie. Other things probably, knowing you, but not Bonnie.

  4. Rhonda says:

    Ah, Bill, I hope you never outgrow adolescence – and who cares how you sound on the phone. Use it to your advantage and talk even higher and tell them “My Mommy is behind the garage with the garbage man right now and can’t come to the phone” and then hang up on all those telemarketers and wrong numbers :)

  5. wrjones says:

    Miki – I tried fish and chip/s, but the treatment didn’t work. It must be one of those urban myths.

    Janet – I will be acting adolescent until the end.

    Carol – so I’m suffering a side effect of giving up smoking. I should sue the surgeon general.

    Rhonda – I like your thinking. Let’s go out behind the garage to drink and smoke. I will talk in a low voice after the first few drinks and a puff or two.

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