Preorder

By W. R. Jones

    I’m going painting for the next two weeks.  As a clairvoyant, I think this could be a painting of my trip.  It is a view from a park and ride in Camarillo looking back toward Thousand Oaks.  As soon as the painting was finished I wished I had rotated right about 40 degrees for a better scene including a mountain. 

    I couldn’t get this field worker to move to the right so I could paint the motif I preferred.  The only Spanish I know being, (where is the bathroom – sometimes my accent throws them off even with this question – my backup Spanglish version “is it ok if I pee here?”) wasn’t applicable in this case.  Oh, and I suggest you be careful where you use my Spanglish phrase; it is not good in most restaurants.  After a couple of beatings I was able to absorb this lesson.

     I was so pissed off by my inability to communicate with this woman, I screamed “La Migra”, and damned if she didn’t freeze.  This is a valuable piece of information for future field studies.  She stayed like this ’til I yelled out my window as I drove off, “ALL CLEAR”.   I think she was trying to look like a turnip.

    The logical reason to think this might represent my upcoming “party time” trip is that I have been doing my checkbook balancing for the last few weeks.  I’ve managed to go from minus $14,000 down to minus $500.  I didn’t actually take in any more money I just decided to leave out some of those bigger checks I’ve written.  After repeated attempts to get a positive outcome I could clearly see they were being obstructive.

    But then I’m thinking that minus $500 doesn’t look all that promising for an upscale vacation anyway.  This spot is about as far as I will get with the gas I can afford, and it looks like I may be sleeping here as well.  I could end up in the field picking for a little something to eat.  I’m going to practice shouting “La Migra” and see how long I can hold my position.

    I’m hoping my neighbor will leave his car out in the driveway before I leave.  That should get me enough gas to get past this location.  I should be safe as he is so busy watching his flowers in the back yard.

    By the way I sold this painting to Hillary Clinton for $3000.   Ok, that is a lie.  I thought if I sold something to a famous person my work would be more desirable. 

    I’m off to paint the wild west, native Americans, flowers, cactus, and maybe a few bars.  This will be followed by a lecture tour coming to your area.  Advance tickets can be purchased by emailing me $5 cash.

    Once this lecture series about my fabulous landscapes begins I expect the value of these pieces to skyrocket.  For this reason I want to give you, my faithful readers, the opportunity to preorder these works of great beauty.  To get in on this onetime (unless it actually works) chance at owning a genuine BJ, email another $5 cash.  For those of you who can’t balance a checkbook with my skill, that is $15 total for the lecture and the little square of canvas.