Or Your Mattress Is Free

By WR Jones


    This is what you will have left to eat if you let those incessant ads leak through to that part of your brain wanting to piss away your money.

    That area of my brain dominates.  I recently ordered an RC helicoptor that you can er, should be able, to fly in the house.  I was hoping it would arrive on a day when I was home alone.  Nah, everybody was there.  That is everybody that I had badgered about spending money frivolously.  To put it bluntly, they did not let the matter slide.

    Hoping to stop the onslaught of verbal abuse I let my daughter fly my new toy.  Here is a math symbol for you   <   the symbol for “less than”.  It was  <  15 seconds before she broke it.   Now I was on the horns of a dilema as they say.  On the one hand I was, temporarily at least, out from under the cloud of being a vacant minded spendthrift.  On the other hand I was wanting to scream at her for breaking my stuff before I got to touch it.  But if I did so the spendthrift issue would balloon to the forefront.  This was going to be a losing deal for me.   I searched frantically in that area of my mind not used for spending money and came up with the idea to forgive her on the spot: “Oh, baby, that’s alright.  Daddy is just glad you had your 15 seconds of fun.” 

    The money spending brain area was not done with me on this project.  I went on the net and found spare parts to replace those broken by my daughter.  The fragile, utterly cheap, plastic pieces cost as much as the whole helicoptor with the remote controls.  This seemed like a good deal so I bought them; sure hope nobody is home when they come. I need help.

    I have been hearing this ad for a mattress.  It states that they will beat any advertised price or your mattress is FREE.  I mean really, can’t you just hear the conversation at that store.  “Burt, this customer has found a mattress for $995, but our price is $1000.  I don’t think we can sell our mattress for less than $995, we can’t possibly afford it.  Shoot, I guess we will have to give it to him for free.”  They must think we are stupid.

    So, anyway, I’m sleeping pretty well on my new mattress.

    Can you people out there read?  Maybe we should be posting via YouTube videos. 

This entry was posted in Drawing, Humor, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Or Your Mattress Is Free

  1. grfxho says:

    You should have ordered two. Then you spent the money on something you can “do together” and it becomes a sweet gesture instead of a waste of money.

  2. wrjones says:

    Excellent suggestion; I can waste my money twice as fast.

  3. I’ve got to tell you guys that whenever I want a lift I love to read your blog(s). You both make me laugh and I thank you for it. Lisa’s tale of elephant sized bugs running her down as she was trying to paint outdoors reminded me of my plein air adventures Monday (although MY bugs were simply annoying) and Bills tales… well……. Hey that robin makes a great model!!
    Thanks to both of you!

  4. I agree with the ‘buying two’ suggestion. It’s a great cop out. Glad you posted on my site, and now I’ve found you. I’ll need to search on the internet now for a waterproof plastic cover specifically designed to cover my keyboard so that it’s doesn’t go fizt bang! when I spit out my coffee on a morning laughing at your words. Keep it up.

  5. gypsy-heart says:

    Ahhh…I love this rendering it is so delicate!

    Condolences on your helicoptor..such a a sweet Dad you are though!!

    I didn’t find your comment until a few minutes ago..for some reason you were sent to spam. I promise I did not tell the spam gods that you are bad! :)

  6. lbtowers says:

    That computer of yours must be awfully smart gypsy-heart. Bill’s comments are often spam-like.

  7. Rebecca says:

    Eric got an rc helicopter for Christmas from my brother. It hasn’t broken yet, but i can’t believe that it hasn’t. After all, that thing is impossible to keep stable. He was lucky, he had some brief moments of fun with it, before it got stashed somewhere. He’ll find it again someday and play a bit before remarking that the (air quotes) “calibration of the controls needs to be adjusted somehow in order to fly it properly”.

    Sorry for your loss.

  8. I really like this drawing, Bill. It is charming and I’d love to see more.

    I went back a few weeks to see if I could find a post without crude language but this one didn’t qualify either. You seem like a pretty smart fella; maybe you can think up some other words to use.

  9. wrjones says:

    Diana – Thanks. I should have never been a sailor. I will do a post just for you without a single bad word.

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