Can’t Say She Didn’t Warn Me

By WR Jones


    Prior to leaving for my last trip Lisa warned me to leave the room service maids alone.  As the fellow says, I had the right to remain silent I just didn’t have the brains.

    Saturday morning I had my easel set and the lighting in place.  When the maid gave her timid little knock, “room service”, I let her in with a flourish and a “good morning you little beauty.”  I told her to disrobe and get on the sofa where the light could catch her blue/black hair.  

    Problem number one; that old bugaboo, language. She didn’t understand me. Being a resourceful fellow I figured I would demo what I wanted.  I took off my clothes and sat on the sofa.  

    Problem number two; really now, was I expected to know she was a cage fighting warrior, an Ultimate Fighting Champion belt holder?  Now my eyes are swollen nearly shut, I have matching cracked ribs on both sides, my jaw needs to be wired, and I broke my nose trying to run through the sliding glass door in my panicked flight to escape her wrath.

    Still, she didn’t escape unscathed here, as the maid she will have to clean up this mess.

    Anyhoo, lesson learned.  I asked Big Red here if he would pose as I was ready to paint.  And, being a glass half full type of guy, I look on the swollen eyes as a built in squint to see values tool.  There is an up side to having my jaw wired shut as well.  I’m now on a diet of bird seed which will help keep me from ballooning up like Lisa.  She has packed on 2 or 3 lbs and if you catch her in the right light it looks like her air bags went off.

    I got Big Red to hold steady by telling him I didn’t much care for cats.  I also told him I thought cats should be limited to 7 lives at the most, and if he would maintain the pose I would share my birdseed with him.

This entry was posted in Humor, Painting, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Can’t Say She Didn’t Warn Me

  1. Carol King says:

    this post cracked me up. A cage fighting warrior, indeed! You’re lucky you escaped with your life. I would have killed you.

    Love the painting. Although birds scare me.

  2. wrjones says:

    Don’t be so harsh on an old man Carol. I think I was punished enough. Death is a little extreme for simply trying to get a painting. Would a painting of a worm be less frightning?

    Are you commenting from your sister’s house? Break out the oil paints and let the mess begin.

  3. lbtowers says:

    I notice you never ask the maintenance man to pose for you.

  4. Good gosh, the images that flash before my eyes! 8O I hope that, at the very least, you wore your speedos!

    Are you working on making birds a specialty? You should, this painting is beautiful! Have you ever looked into the Leigh Yawkey Woodson Art Exhibit?

  5. gypsy-heart says:

    Your wife should not let you out the cage for you are full of mischief!! Hee, hee

    I like this piece…such a handsome fellow (you too of course). :)

  6. Anna Surface says:

    LOL Are you still in one piece after so many adventures? Lovely, lovely painting. :)

  7. wrjones says:

    Lisa, Lisa, those guys have hairy legs. As a photoreal painter I would have to paint each and every fiber. I don’t have that much time left in life. I’m strictly a slick leg dauber painter.

    Janet, I bet those are wonderful images, huh? I will check that exhibit.

    Thanks gypsy – now both Big Red and I are preening.

    I’m a little battered Anna. I’m wearing protective clothing on my future forays.

  8. grfxho says:

    It sounds like simply wearing ANY clothing at all would be a feat for you.

  9. wrjones says:

    Weed, I know how it all sounds; a lascivious old man using any excuse. Far from it; keeping the garments to a “bare” minimum, if I may, is a form of protection. My great grandfather died after breaking his hip in a fall caused by tripping over his own pants. Living in a perhaps 450 sq ft 1 bedroom 1 bath home, in the middle of the night he felt the need to relieve himself. Being a proper sort he dressed for the 12 and 1/2 steps from the bedroom to the bath. Not properly fastening his suspenders; his pants fell to his ankles and killed him.

    I consider running around without pants as a form of innoculation. Like begin protected from polio, my no pants routine will remove one possible source of death. Of course, to realize this protection I should probably pick up my pants instead of casting them willy nilly on the floor. I tripped over them last night which explains this big bruise on my knee.

  10. You’re quite a guy who can get a bird to stand still and pose for you.You must be pretty non threatening – to the bird kingdom at least – in your birthday suit.

  11. wrjones says:

    Susan, I think he felt a kinship with me as I was drinking ThunderBird wine.

  12. grfxho says:

    Ah yes. Leave it to the engineer to argue that his nudity is all a matter of safety and preventing deaths.

  13. wrjones says:

    Oh, Weed, you caught me with my pants down so to speak.

  14. grfxho says:

    Is there any other way to catch you?

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