Parking Space

By W.R. Jones


    I go to the gym to get a body so I can pick up chicks like this.  Well, that’s another lie.  I go to get the strength to PAINT chicks like this.  And it wasn’t even a real person.  I copied a drawing on the wall at the California Art Institute.  The object of the exercise was to see if I could make a painting look like a charcoal drawing on newsprint.

    I’m an early riser (4 AM) so when I woke up early one Saturday morning I decided to hit the gym early.  I figured at 5:30 AM the parking lot should be wide open.  Nope, the lot was full except for 1 space.  And, wouldn’t you know it, some asshole with a, try to guess what kind of car …, yep a Porsche, had taken up most of the last space by parking his car in two spaces.

    I could, by backing up, pulling forward, backing up, pulling forward, …, squeeze my car into the remaining open area.  I was so mad I opened my door as hard as I could slamming it into the side of the Porsche giving off a loud BANG!

    I got out, took my bag and headed toward the front door of the gym.  I looked up to see him walking toward me.  Oh no, goddamn, he is huge.  Right off the cover of Muscle magazine and coming at me with a grim look.  As he nears he says, “You didn’t hit my car did you?  That would be a big mistake.”   If you have any brains at all, you can anticipate another lie coming, can’t you. 

    With knees knocking, eyes lowered, lip quivering, “Me? Huh uh, I would never do something like that.  That wouldn’t be right.  I’m a Christian you know. (and I was actually praying at that moment).”   

    As good fortune would have it, there were no marks on his precious car door so I’m alive to write this post.  From that day forward I always first verify the car driver is nearing 80 and using a walker before  slamming my door into their car.  A man should learn from his mistakes.

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6 Responses to Parking Space

  1. kevmoore says:

    This is something of a dilemma. I have an innate, and possibly clinically irrational hatred of people who park like idiots. the urge to do criminal damage in these situations is never far from the surface. the technique i now employ which usually guarantees that my face wont be messed up for the gigs is to park mere millimeters from the offending vehicle, drivers side, so the a**hole cant get back in. this also means unfortunately, that I often have to clamber out of the window to achieve a successful egress. but, no pain, no gain, is what i always say, and my discomfort pales into insignificance as I stand idly by, leaning on the lamp post, in full smug mode, watching the offender attempt to access his vehicle. its a small victory, but I feel, a moral one.

  2. gypsy-heart says:

    To keep you out of trouble maybe you should work out at the senior center…due to parking issues (would that parking rage?) I am also concerned for your should not be stalking young chicks under the guise of “it’s all about art.” :)

    Though I do think your rendering (or fantasy) is quite good!

  3. wrjones says:

    Well thought out plan of attack, Kev.

    Gypsy, young ladies have no appeal for me. I much prefer middle aged women, you know, 18 or 19.

  4. 100swallows says:

    Bill–do you really get up at four? When is beddie-time?

  5. Jana Bouc says:

    You are so funny! My ex-husband drives a Porsche (it’s a restored classic 1970) and he probably still parks it in two spaces (thinking it’s less likely to get hit). If he only knew about people like you! Ha!

  6. wrjones says:

    100swallows – I do get up at 4:00 AM. I go to bed around 8:00-9:00 PM unless I’m at a happening party; then I can keep my eyes open until about 9:30. Of course that would only be on special occasions like New Year’s Eve.

    Jana – If your husband is one of those big body builders he can have the two spaces. I will just walk from home.

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