Bill Paints The Demo

By W.R. Jones

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    Lisa is forever whining about how difficult it is to do a demonstration painting in front of a large audience.  Suspecting she is full of whiffle dust as always, I decided to do my own demo in front of a large discerning audience.  Quite frankly I found it to be a piece of cake, or dog biscuit, as the case may be.

    As is clear to the most casual observer of the above photos, I had the rapt attention of my class. 

    The more sharp eyed of the art critics, such as our friend, 100swallows, will certainly note there is no color on my palette.  I’m not allowed to use paint anymore since I got some on my corduroy  pants.  Painting with this restriction is referred to as drybrush.  It is hard to get color into a painting using this technique, the only color being a grayish haze produced by whatever dust has accumulated on the brush.

    In this demonstration I showed the class the use of the mahl to steady the hand.  Now here is something I should have tried before the demo.  I found out the hard way that when you rest the tip of the mahl (using your left hand) on a very small painting, you can’t reach the painting with the other hand even with a very long handled brush.  I looked like a complete idiot waving that brush around in the air unable to get near the canvas.  In a fit of pique I chucked that damn mahl over my shoulder; didn’t realize the window was so close.  Now, I suppose, in addition to not being allowed to use paint, the mahl will be off limits as well.

    Lisa, please note my more formal dress code.  I’ve been trying to get that woman to dress in a professional manner for a long time now.  To date she has thwarted every effort.  I want to present a professional image on our blog in an effort to get my prices into the 2 figure range.

    The other day this fellow asked me if I sold my work.  I told him only to discerning, knowledgeable collectors.  He then ask what range my art sold for.  I replied I liked to start the negotiations well up into the 2 figures.  He, “You mean like $11 or $12?”  “Well, Ya.”  “I’ll give you $7.”  “Done.  But it will have to be cash.”

    My audience was not really that large,  I moved Mango around to give myself the feeling of demonstrating in front a big bunch.  However, in my more lucid moments, I realized it was only me and Mango.  Still, I thought the demo went very well.  I don’t know what that woman is bitching about.

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24 Responses to Bill Paints The Demo

  1. Two figures? Like $.01? :P

  2. :oops: Should have remembered zero is a “placeholder.” I’ll “bid” $.11 then!

  3. wrjones says:

    Remember we are talking strictly cash here. And if I have to pay shipping it will be UPS ground only.

  4. grfxho says:

    I think the real question here is what, if anything, did Mango take away from the lesson?

  5. wrjones says:

    A couple of doggie treats and a small nibble of Land ‘O Lakes extra sharp cheddar (for God’s sake don’t mention that last to Erika) she gets bent all out of shape if I give him regular food.

    He doesn’t get to play with paint either.

  6. gypsy-heart says:

    Who’s teaching who? (or is that supposed to be whom?).

    i had to ask that because Ringo (my guru dog) is one of the most intelligent souls in my world (hmmm..what does that say about my world).

    i was afraid that i’m in the “dog house” for defending Lisa. am i forgiven…just remember i am a chameleon so i am not responsible for my”self”. maybe i should give up painting and go into politics. Could be a lot more money in that..at least free wine and food.

    until later…

  7. wrjones says:

    Gypsy-heart,

    You are forgiven. I believe in second chances. One simple rule for comments here is that you never, ever, under any circumstance (and this includes her being right) take Lisa’s side.

  8. grfxho says:

    The other rule (and the one we choose to follow most of the time) is to ignore Bill when he makes up rules.

  9. wrjones says:

    Oh, man! This should be called a clipping penalty. Or, I suppose, a sack.

  10. 100swallows says:

    In that first picture you look like a bullfighter toreando de salón (practicing passes in the livingroom), Bill, and a competent one. But the bull doesn’t seem very interested. Bullfight fans have a saying (I know you understand Spanish): Cuando hay toro, no hay torero, y cuando hay torero, no hay toro. That IS your bull on the little hardboard, isn’t it?
    Such an elegant get-up. You look (and sound) like Mark Twain. Always get me giggling.

  11. wrjones says:

    That is my little bull. And this is about the size I would get in the ring with. Sometimes no bull, sometimes no bullfighter, but in my case, alway the BS.

  12. lbtowers says:

    Now Bill, you know good and well that you elongated the beegeebeez out of that picture. Everybody, he looks nothing like Michael Jordan. He’s 5’4″, and weighs 183 pounds.

    Cheater. Next time I show a picture of myself, I am going to photoshop Pamela Anderson’s body to my head. And I’ll use Cindy Crawfords face with Angelina Jolie’s lips. And I’ll dress like Cher.

  13. wrjones says:

    I wondered what Lisa was talking about until I looked at the photos again. She is right I did slenderize myself a bit. It does leave me jack-jawed when she exaggerates. In my new custom platforms I’m 5ft 4 and 1/2 inches big.

    I tweeked the photos to look a little more realistic; not all the way, mind you. Everybody is using Botox these days.

    And, she will NEVER get out of her pants and baseball cap to look like Cher.

  14. Anna Surface says:

    Delightful read. :) LOL And oh, what a sweet pooch. By the way, I like that hat. Do you wear hats often? All I ever see is baseball caps… not hats. Very dapper, I say. :)

  15. wrjones says:

    Thanks Anna. I wear hats to keep the sun off my head/face whenever I’m out for very long. I like the brim (for protection) all the way around so don’t wear baseball caps. I have 3 Stetsons. This model is called Open Road. I saw one years ago on an elderly gentleman and liked the way it looked (on him anyway). You can’t see it here but I’m wearing old fashion high top leather shoes as well. The whole outfit is similar to the way my great grandfather dressed.

    To sum it up, I am an old man and I dress like one.

  16. kevmoore says:

    Custom platforms?? Are you auditioning for my band Bill? Its practically obligatory to wear them.
    Ignore that Lisa, you look like you could step right into ZZ Top and BE that sharp dressed man.
    As John Cleese’s character Basil Fawlty once remarked to his overbearing wife- “It’s called style dear, you wouldn’t know”

    P.S. Was Mango superglued to the chair or did he really find looking at a dry pallette captivating?

  17. kevmoore says:

    Lisa, why dont you just take Pamela Andersons head? then you’ll have a big empty vessel for your brushes.

  18. wrjones says:

    Kev, you finally realized I want in the band. You note I’m waving my brush like a band master’s batton.

    I loved Fawlty Towers.

    She’s good to go with her own head, Kev.

  19. Carol King says:

    Bill, your posts always make me laugh.

    I bet your “cat” was rapt whist watching you paint.
    And the outfit! Are you the reincarnation of Col. Sanders?

  20. lbtowers says:

    COL. SANDERS!!!!! That’s IT!!!!! I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but that is exactly who he reminds me of. Thank you for that Carol!!!

  21. Jana Bouc says:

    This post was HILARIOUS! And what a charming southern gentleman you appear to be.

  22. wrjones says:

    Jana – thank you, thank you. That’s the sort of comment I’m looking for.

    Carol, did you HAVE to come up with that Col. Sanders comparison? Still, I do have legs that I’ve been told look as if they should be perched on a limb, so maybe the chicken legs, Col. Sanders connection is apt.

  23. Susan says:

    How dapper you are! Your audience of one is, Ican see very impressed, and then there’s the 1000’s of us on the internet who are even more impressed with your style. Who cares about the painting?!

  24. wrjones says:

    Thank you Susan, and for that you get a very important tip to be used only when painting for a dog: there is chicken in my right hand coat pocket.

    I promised this to Mango if he would sit still and pay attention. Unfortunately, due to some sort of ripple in my brain wave, I forgot to give it to him at the end of the demo, and I forgot to take it out of the pocket.

    This was discovered a few days later when we found Mango crying in our closet because the jacket was just out of his reach. So now I can’t have paint, a mahl stick, or chicken. My world is shrinking.

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