By W.R. Jones
This is a sketch I did on a recent cruise. In a fog of heavy eating and drinking I can’t remember if this was a woman sitting on the edge of the pool or a self portrait.
In Thursday’s edition of USA TODAY there was a blurb about how eating an apple before each meal would cut down the total number of calories you would consume. Something like 150 less per meal including the apple. It just pisses me off when someone offers worthless advice that you don’t stand a chance of following. Do they not have a clue as to how hard it is to find caramel covered apples? They are mostly only available around Halloween.
Don’t paint in your new corduroy pants. Sunday I decided to paint for a few hours. Instead of changing clothes I dove right into my work. I was squeezing out the last of a tube of ultramarine blue, you know, that last little bit where you need both hands to pinch that area around the cap. I don’t know what sort of ripple I had in my brain waves to cause me to squeeze over my lap instead of over the palette. The paint kind of “pooped” out over my pants.
I tried desperately to calm myself saying it is no big deal and stop using that bad language. As I scraped the blob off with the palette knife it forced some down into those grooves in the material. Oh no, oh no, oh no, this isn’t going to come out. I took the pants off and in doing so managed to get paint on my underwear as well. The wheels were coming right off this deal.
I tried clean turpentine on the pants; it made a more even and larger stain. I tried my brush soap; nothing. I crept down the stairs through the garage to the trash can and threw the briefs away. I considered doing the same with the pants but could not come up with a good cover story for missing trousers.
I slipped into the laundry room undetected and tried a little from every bottle I could find; nothing. Shit – I’m down to my final gambit. Nothing left but to go to the kitchen, prostrate myself, wrinkled skinny white butt in the air, and plead insanity while begging for mercy. It seemed to work, but I’m afraid errors such as this are never quite forgotten, and can return to haunt me at a time in the distant future.
DON’T PAINT IN YOUR GOOD PANTS