Take Another Bite and Don’t Paint In Your Good Pants

By W.R. Jones

figure-study-25.jpg

    This is a sketch I did on a recent cruise.  In a fog of heavy eating and drinking I can’t remember if this was a woman sitting on the edge of the pool or a self portrait.

    In Thursday’s edition of USA TODAY there was a blurb about how eating an apple before each meal would cut down the total number of calories you would consume.  Something like 150 less per meal including the apple.   It just pisses me off when someone offers worthless advice that you don’t stand a chance of following.  Do they not have a clue as to how hard it is to find caramel covered apples?  They are mostly only available around Halloween.

    TIP –

    Don’t paint in your new corduroy pants.   Sunday I decided to paint for a few hours.  Instead of changing clothes I dove right into my work.  I was squeezing out the last of a tube of ultramarine blue, you know, that last little bit where you need both hands to pinch that area around the cap.  I don’t know what sort of ripple I had in my brain waves to cause me to squeeze over my lap instead of over the palette.  The paint kind of “pooped” out over my pants. 

    I tried desperately to calm myself saying it is no big deal and stop using that bad language.   As I scraped the blob off with the palette knife it forced some down into those grooves in the material.  Oh no, oh no, oh no, this isn’t going to come out.  I took the pants off and in doing so managed to get paint on my underwear as well.  The wheels were coming right off this deal. 

    I tried clean turpentine on the pants; it made a more even and larger stain.  I tried my brush soap; nothing.  I crept down the stairs through the garage to the trash can and threw the briefs away.  I considered doing the same with the pants but could not come up with a good cover story for missing trousers.

    I slipped into the laundry room undetected and tried a little from every bottle I could find; nothing.  Shit – I’m down to my final gambit.  Nothing left but to go to the kitchen, prostrate myself, wrinkled skinny white butt in the air, and plead insanity while begging for mercy.  It seemed to work, but I’m afraid errors such as this are never quite forgotten, and can return to haunt me at a time in the distant future.

    DON’T PAINT IN YOUR GOOD PANTS

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13 Responses to Take Another Bite and Don’t Paint In Your Good Pants

  1. I’ve got to thank you for starting my day out with a huge belly laugh!!
    I don’t know you or your art, but if we ever meet, I’m afraid I’ll have to suppress the mental image of you with “your wrinkled skinny white butt in the air”!
    We’ve all gotten our good clothes covered with paint and tried unsuccessfully to get it off so your blog really resonated… … not so the skinny butt part but oh well.
    Thanks again for making my day!

  2. Anna Surface says:

    LOL Gosh I sure laughed! Paint kind of “pooped.” I know about that…pooping paints and normally I end up with more paint on me than the palette. It is a wonder you didn’t blow yourself up with all those chemicals you tried on the pants. LOL Ah well, either paint naked or wear the clothes stained from the past adventures of pooping paint. Say… through the garage and to where to throw away the briefs? LOL

    Signing off laughing,

    Anna

  3. wrjones says:

    Like many events it is a lot more enjoyable in retrospect.

  4. gypsy-heart says:

    Loved this post, the sketch, and all the paintings on here!!

    I thought you might get a kick out of this old post of mine..we are kindred spirits. :)

    http://island11.wordpress.com/2007/10/17/a-painting-tip/

    Thanks for sharing and making me laugh!

  5. kevmoore says:

    Bill, great sketch, it reminds me of the “international incident” caused when the chairs for the Queen Mary 2 ocean liner proved incapable of supporting the bulk of unfeasibly large american passengers, and began collapsing under their weight. Clearly, the shipbuilders, although able to protect the ship against all manner of maritime disasters, had reckoned without the effects of moms apple pie. “another slice, Wilma?”
    regarding the wardrobe malfunction, Miki tends to wear pants that are damn nearly held together with paint… you could squeeze a whole tube of the stuff at her, and it would just blend into the great technicolour yawn that is her trousers.
    On a culinary note, i have a similar problem with bolognese sauce. you know the moment, when time seems to slow, and gravity beckons, and a great gloop of very, very red sauce is heading lapwards, and your brain has the luxury of a nanosecond to think “why the hell did I wear the cream trousers?”

  6. Miki says:

    Yes, this is a really great sketch, Bill! I didn´t know you can do this kind of stuff, too. I just love it!
    I have found a way to deal with the painted clothes problem. I wear skirts from my father when I paint. He is at least twice as big as the person on your sketch. Being myself only a tiny thing, the skirt covers my own clothes from top tpo bottom. The good things being that my father loves colourful stuff, so his skirts have generally all the rainbow colours and one can´t see my painiings stains on them…

  7. 01varvara says:

    Bill… it was not a bumblebee! You DO seem to end up in your skivvies in your stories… is there a hidden meaning there?

    Vara
    (laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants)

  8. kevmoore says:

    Bill, before you start unhealthily imagining Miki’s father as a cross-dresser, she does in fact mean SHIRTS, as opposed to skirts. An easy mistake to make, and one which can often result in a punch-up down the pub.

  9. zeladoniac says:

    Fun sketch, funny story. And just to share, ALL my pants are now painting pants.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  10. wrjones says:

    Marian – paint with Lisa, she will wear your butt down to a small nubbin.

    Anna – glad you liked the post and SO glad you didn’t catch this with your camera.

    Gypsy_heart – Read and enjoyed your post, will TRY to avoid sitting on my palette.

    Kevin and Miki – I think I may try painting in skirts also. I could just pick up the hem and dust between brush strokes. I suppose I should not dust near a window. I’m not certain but I don’t think my father had any, I will have to get my own.

    The obesity problem is to the point of science fiction. It is, and this is no exaggeration, hard to find a thin or even normal sized person in the cafeteria. The oceans are rising, not due to global warming, but to the weight of Americans sinking the continent and pushing up the water level.

    Dr. Vara, Why do you insist on looking for hidden meanings? I, like the pilgrim in my next post, have a hard time telling a cowpie from applesauce. I’m the master of the single entendre, the double is beyond my abilities.

    Zeladoniac – what does this name mean? Maybe you could get a pair of good slacks and have your husband keep them locked away. You’re going to need something to wear for those bird drawing/plein air painting awards to come. Or, you could wear skirts, like Miki’s father and I.

  11. Miki says:

    Bill, i do believe you have solved the riddle of the rising oceans!!! Somebody tell that guy who beat Dubya, but didnt get in! He’ll be on the case….another vol-au-vent?

  12. Miki says:

    p.s, its Kev…I just realised Im logged in as Miki….does that count as cross-dressing?

  13. wrjones says:

    Well, Kev, don’t put that lipstick on too heavy and you should be alright down at the biker bar.

    I saw an ad on the side of a bus on the way to work showing a $1.00 double cheeseburger. My first thought was that beef prices must be down, I should dump the ranch. My next thought was this was exactly what America needed. Eating alone could stave off a recession. We will need a lot of construction at the newly formed beaches.

    The US is going to need its own olympics. We are too fat to be running and jumping over stuff. I think we will still be competitive in Wii golf and fishing.

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