By W.R. Jones
I left this cup and some homemade pastries on the mantle for you. I hope this makes up for the one or perhaps two bad things I may have done this past year. I don’t know why I’m even admitting the possiblity of error; I should just stick to my story of complete innocence. I guess it is the season and wanting to purify myself before receiving all those wonderful things you are going to bring.
For those of you drooling over my cakes, I first posted this painting along with my cake recipe on cafecrem. You might want to read about the ingredients before pilfering these little yellow beauties. You could end up with visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in your head. If after reading this warning you still want to break into my house and have some coffee and cake, could you please make my bed, I forgot, and after rewarming the coffee please clean the microwave.
SANTA – skip over this next paragraph to the one where I helped the orphans.
Carol King writes about underachievement. She thinks that description applies to her. She is a regular Leonardo da Vinci compared to me. I have on occasion reached negative achievement. How is this possible you wonder. Here is one example – I decided to start a painting and was ready to apply paint to canvas when I noticed paint on my new shirt. This being the shirt my wife told me not to wear because I might get paint on it. I didn’t ignore her out of disrepect. Rather, as an experienced painter, I was quite certain I could do my work without getting a smidgen on my being. Noticing a bit more than a dash of paint that I, as an experienced painter, knew was not going to come out of that shirt, I thought I might have a drink before continuing. Having spent most of my money for artificial limbs for the cow I ran over, I only had enough to buy the less expensive whiskey. The first drink of this burned my throat so bad I thought I’d have a second thinking it can’t burn that much with the follow-on glass. Then I must have dozed off. I’m not certain if giving my wife an opportunity for a vocal workout counts as achievement. If so then I’m only slightly negative here.
I helped the orphans (a lot).