Intervention

By W.R. Jones

    As a long time big city detective, oh that’s right, I wasn’t actually a detective but I read a lot of True Detective magazines, I have a built in detector for liars story tellers.  I had a gut feeling that Lisa was blowing a large whiffle dust storm with her story about a migratory field hand waltzing up to purchase one of her field studies.  See her post, The Best Customers.  While I didn’t think the scenario was impossible I thought there were only two chances it could be true; slim and none.

    Since the day of that post I have been driving the back roads of southern California looking for that field and her painting.  Driving and looking, driving and looking, walking the ditches, orchards, bars, strawberry fields, hills and dales.  It has been an expensive endeavor what with gas prices and that cow I hit.  Perhaps you could see your way to sending me a bit to offset these unexpected costs.

    Finally looking into the sun and that blinding glare of a … beer can, two flattened Aguafina water bottles, a crushed and blackened Big Gulp container, and misc debris lying in an irrigation ditch, I spotted it.  As an aside here, I did pick up the beer can and two water bottles, they are worth $0.15 to offset the cost of my investigation.  Here is what I found:  

farmshack.jpg

    Not evidence enough you say.   Well I say stop watching those stupid tv court cases and leave this work to us experts.  This was written (in a woman’s script) on the back of the painting:

          Dear Lord,  I have a few questions I would like to ask you.

              1.  Why can’t I get these values right?

              2.  Why is it so windy?  Look what it did to my hair.

              3.  Do you think Santa could bring me a dress so I can watch my team lose?

              4.  Is it true I could go straight to hell for littering?  I really don’t think I can take this piece home and look at it again.

              5.  How about lying?  Bill lies all the time and he is still prancing around like he hasn’t a care in the world.

              6.  I think it may be too late for me.  Apparently the devil has me already.  Why else would I blog with Bill?

    Clearly we need an intervention here.   I’m thinking an international internet group hug to show her we  care and she doesn’t have to make up stories just because her ebay sale fell through.    The hug and a couple of months of warm healing therapy teaching at CAI should put her right.

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4 Responses to Intervention

  1. kevmoore says:

    Bill, I admire your tenacity. Isnt there some kind of discussion group she could attend? You know- the kind where she would stand up in front of a bunch of rueful windswept artists and announce; “My name is Lisa, and I hide my paintings”

    P.S. I’m rooting for the cow, how long do you think your medicare will cover its rehabilitation?

  2. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Kevin. If you ever tried to talk with Lisa you would know a talking intervention is not in the cards. “Lisa, I’d like to help you through this painful period of windblown messy hair.” “Ah-hah.” “Do you think if we get you a dress you would know how to wear it?” “Ah-hah.” “I want an honest answer, how many paintings did you hide this week?” “Ah-huh.”

    The cow is doing very well for having just the two legs left. Out of my art sales to the migrant field workers I paid for those springy artificial legs which now has said animal bounding over the fences accompanying a small group of local deer.

    The farmer remains, to this day, a little jack-jawed at me. When she takes the new bounders off, you have to lay on your back to milk her.

  3. kevmoore says:

    Mmm…I can see how that would be a problem, but at least with all that leaping around, he’ll be able to market Milk Shakes at source, or perhaps after extended leaping, ready-churned butter. With (if you’ll pardon the pun) a cash cow like this, you’d think the Farmer would be a little more grateful.

  4. wrjones says:

    You sir are an udder marketing genius.

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