Literally

By wr jones

I often think I need to tell people “this is what I heard, literally.”   I hear such outlandish stuff on the radio and TV I feel if I tell it like I heard it, I will be suspected of making it up.   I heard one the other day; “The Cookie Diet”.   They were serious.  Cookies for breakfast, lunch, and snacks.  According to the ad there is a wide variety of cookies so you won’t get tired of them.   Does anyone really want a cookie everyday for breakfast and lunch?   I’m curious about the odds that anyone trying this idea is overweight and does not have a living chance of trimming down.

If I was overweight and eating these things and someone asked me if I was dieting …. Nope, just eating cookies cause I like em; so kiss my fat patootie, Twiggy.

Say, did you ever paint in watercolor?   The damn stuff is very runny.   I’m not patient enough to wait for one layer to dry.  Even knowing in advance I’m going to dick the painting up by putting more water/paint into what is there without waiting for it to dry, I do it anyway then startup with a potty mouth that would singe the devil’s own tongue.   I only did this piece in watercolor because the thought of getting oil paint all over my car and then cleaning up was too overwhelming.

Just off to the right of this painting is a fence with a No Trespassing sign.  I don’t think they meant that sign for me.  There are some wonderful paintings waiting on the other side of that fence, but not in watercolor.

An Apple A Day

By WR Jones

I couldn’t spell “feeble” in a chat the other day.  Maybe that is why they call me feeble minded.   I didn’t have time to look it up and didn’t want the person on the other end of the chat to know I was an idiot.  Don’t know why I stress over it; by the end of the conversation she probably had it figured out anyway.

In the chat I substituted the word apple in place of feeble.  Why?  Because I knew how to spell apple (although I don’t know for how much longer I will be able to spell that word either).  Of course that particular substitution then threw the sentence into disarray so that it made no sense at all.  Screw it, I didn’t feel like talking anyways.

I started this painting in Susan’s back yard then finished it in my bathtub weeks later.  I was in the bathtub trying to clean up after getting dirty crawling under that fence to avoid looking at the No Trespassing sign.   That way I could plead ignorance.  It often works as the deputies almost immediately agree with me on that point.

You may note some interesting brush work on this piece caused by my nervous twitching at every little sound.  Ever since the neighbor’s dog was killed by a mountain lion my ears are tuned so finely I can hear a cricket pass wind from the bad grass he was eating.  I’m getting a little better as my hearing aid batteries run down.

If you eat only apples you should stay pretty thin I’m guessing.  My daughter was telling me about a case of flesh eating bacteria in a 10 year old boy.   Sounds bad – is bad.  However, being the optimist you know me to be, I was thinking maybe we could harness this little fellow (the bacteria) and train him to eat fat only.  Ya, you are on the wavelength baby, make billions with a B.  And with that money be able to eat fine fat food all day long.  Then kiss one of the laboratory beauties (for a fee) and get exposed to the fat eating bacteria.

How Do You Get Paint Money?

By WR Jones

Susan picked out this place to paint.   Ok, a nice motif I thought.  But then she paints like she is on a jar of uppers.  ”I’m done”,  she says.   Huh?  Hold ‘er there Newt.  I have just started scratching the itch on my nose.  I haven’t even got my paints out.   Then I start painting and wouldn’t you know it, another car pulls in front of the car I’m painting.   “Hey, you miserable COW, move your car.”  This is what I said on the inside.  Here is what Susan heard, “Shoot, do you see how that car is blocking my view?  Lord willing, the car will move so I can continue with my painting.”

The sign said country store.  Country is a relative thing I’m learning.   We are in a city but recently had a rattlesnake on our front porch, a skunk in our back yard, and the neighbor’s dog was killed by a mountain lion.  Living wild; counting the drugs and all.

Say, did you ever mug an old lady?  Really?  Then how do you pay for paints?  I’m trying my darnedest to earn an honest living; to move my painting sales up from zero.   Here is one of life’s big disappointments - you pick out an elderly woman, steal  her credit card and find it is maxed out.   What the HELL?   That is some type of false advertising.  I’m having my attorney look into this.    I’ve got to have some recourse here; I’m sure you will agree.

This store reminds me of an even smaller store that was on the corner of a residential area in a small Iowa town.  It was a “candy” store.  We went by it on the way to and from grade school.  They sold mostly candy to school children.   I’m so nostalgic for such a time and place again.   One thing I remember that would have people gasping today is that there was a candy with the name Nigger Babies.  Actually said that on the box.  It was liquorice in the form of babies.  I wonder what a box of those would be worth on Antiques Roadshow today?

Lori – challenged me to paint with only White, Ultramarine, Yellow, and Alizarin –  here is a painting I did using only those colors.   You can mix a wide spectrum of color with just these 4 but it is much easier to get where you want with more colors.