Archive for the ‘Critiques’ Category

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Style

April 10, 2012

By WR Jones

I saw a young black man at a grocery store today with his pants barely hanging on below the hips and 50% of his underwear showing.  He made a small tug on his trousers to hike them up a bit.  It did help keep him from tripping over his pant legs I suppose but that was about all.  The fact that he was black doesn’t really enter into my observation except as a paragraph filler.  This makes it seem I work harder at this writing business.

I looked at him wondering how he chose this particular dress style.  He must have seen someone else with his ass hanging out and said to himself, “Wow, that looks cool.  I want that look.”  This is probably how most of us pick our dress style.  I went to a western hat store last week to have my Stetson “Open Road” hat shaped to fit my head better.  I bought the hat because I saw an old gentleman with the same hat and thought he looked elegant.  I told the woman in the store the reason I had purchased this particular hat and could not understand how I looked like such a buffoon with it on my head.   After all, I and the old gentleman were about the same age.  How could he look elegant and I look like a common shithead?  After reshaping the hat the woman said it looked better.  I asked her if I looked elegant now.  Damn I hate blunt women.  As a business woman you would think she could finesse a little lie.

Another issue:

This painting started out as a still life of a slice of apple pie.   I can’t seem to gain control of my compositions; they run amok.   At one point I had a dump truck and a miniature giraffe in the foreground when my wife suggested flowers.  I followed her suggestion as gospel (a little play on words and illustration) as I was hungry and wanted some dinner.  Are there any drugs that will:

1.  make me feel very good

2.  make it so I don’t have to pee quite so often

3.  clamp down on this ADD that jerks me from one subject to another before I get my paints laid out.

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Elephantitis

April 11, 2008

by Lisa

     

       Okay, have any of you seen this on youtube yet?

       At first you will find yourself wanting to rerun the beginning to see if you actually SEE the elephant painting, or if the picture CUTS TO the trunk painting the picture as if it was all rigged. Go ahead. Everyone has to do it. But by the end you believe that a freaking elephant can paint better than some people I know.

       Why just today, I was feeling inferior to said elephant. I was painting along, and I thought about how unsteady the elephant’s trunk looks as he places the brush on the canvas. For all intents and purposes, it looks like he is going to miss the mark, but he gets it right every time. Kind of pissed me off. I kept missing today. My brush would not seem to work and I thought about how I might be better off holding it at the end of a long trunk standing two yards back. I’m wondering what his paintings sell for too. Which galleries is he in? I wonder if HE paints everyday. I bet he doesn’t stretch his own canvas, or shop for frames. Looks to me like he has assistants. Wonder who he studied with.

       I think I just severly depressed myself. I can’t compete with elephants. They’re much bigger than me.

PS – I thought his tail sucked.

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American Painter Idol

February 27, 2008

by Lisa 

    I have a new idea that could make me and Bill as rich as Simon Cowell. “American Painter Idol”. We are going to discover the next rising star in the painting world. We could start auditioning painters by asking them to demonstrate their best painting styles.  I’m sure Fox will pick it up, and we could ask the viewers to vote. Each week we could have a different theme/genre as we narrow the contestants down. One week they could come out on stage and paint their best rendition of classical art. Another week it could be their best pop art, and another it could be their best rendition of Thomas Kinkade art complete with their choice of bible verse.  Everyone should put their own spin on the themes.

    Bill and I vow to be good and acerbic when it comes to the critiques of the performances. If Bill wears his three piece suit, he could sound really convincing delivering lines like ”That was perfectly horrid without one redeeming stroke in the whole bloody mess”.  I could wear my baseball cap and say things like “Dawg you rock man”.  Of course we’ll need an MC.  How about it Grfxho? Kev? Carol King? Gypsy-heart?  100swallows?  We’ll cut you in.  Think about it, but do NOT steal this idea.  I have it patented already.  Or is it copyrighted?  As for all you potential contestants, start your brushes!!!

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