4th Of July Sale

By wr jones

Well, now that Christmas is over I’m waiting by the mail box for the Macy’s One Day Only 4th Of July sale catalog.   I expect it will be here by tomorrow.  If they would stop sending so damn many catalogs and just give me credit for the cost of printing and postage I could buy their stuff at full price.

Here is an at least semi interesting 4th of July story for those of you ready to move on with your holidays.   Last year my wife set up for free hot dogs to be served at the bank where she works.   It was so popular that the parking lot and lobby were filled with hot dog eaters.   A man walked into the branch to ask about rates.   Seeing the crowd, he left and robbed the bank next door.

I guess he had already eaten and was ready to get back to work.

No English ~ No Green Card

By WR Jones

I’m going to have to stand firm on this English requirement for a green card or citizenship.   They don’t have to know every word or how to spell; otherwise I would be out as well.

The minimum language requirement would be that they can tell the difference between light mayo and no pickles.  I ordered a hamburger with fries the other day.   Having been through this fiasco at different fast food joints the previous two hamburger runs, I was very careful in my wording.   “I would like one hamburger, light mayo only.  That is not too much mayonnaise.”   “OK, anything else sir?”   “And 1 order of fries.”   “OK, sir, I have one hamburger, light mayonnaise only, and one fries.”   “Yes, that is correct.”   “That will be $5.43.  Your order number is 756 – you should have got here earlier, you old dummy.”

I waited for the other 755 orders to complete.   Another woman called my number.   I stepped up to…. a lonely hamburger.   “I ordered fries also.”   “We no have fries, not working.”   “NO FRIES! You miserable misbegotten cow?”  That is what I said on the inside.  On the outside, “ok”.

I drove off with my lonely hamburger.   And as I’m driving and talking on my iPhone (screw the law, I live wild and free.).   I reach into the bag and pull out my hamburger.   Now I’ve got the iPhone in one hand and the burger in  the other and steering with one knee.  But I’m focused down the road so it is completely safe, you understand.

I bite into the hamburger.  My taste buds hit the taste enjoyment blocking pickle and ketchup.   Out comes the MF expletive.  In a fit of rage I attempt to fling the offending burger out the window.   Turns out the flinging hand held the iPhone.    Furthermore, the phone hits the side window of the police car next to me at the light.   Now I’m talking into my hamburger wondering why I lost connection.   The cop, shit eating grin on his face, trades my iPhone for a nicely printed instruction sheet on how to contact the court system.

While he is writing my citation I drew this picture (from memory) of the, I call her, Pickle Woman.   I figured maybe my attorney could make her pay part of my fine.  (you can never over estimate the stupidity of a jury).   Of course, being from memory, this may not look a thing like  her.  It could have been some big ornately tattooed male instead.

Maybe that movie “Supersize Me” had it right.  This stuff is not good for you.   Otherwise how do you explain this is the 3rd time in a row this has happened to me and still I have not learned to check the order before driving off?

Secret

By Bill Jones

This is an actual Virginia home.  It is very old by American standards.   Think of all the secrets that have been whispered or left untold behind that blue door and those upstairs windows.

Here is a partial of the Miriam Webster dictionary definition of the word SECRET:

1 a : kept from knowledge or view : hidden b : marked by the habit of discretion : closemouthed c : working with hidden aims or methods : undercover <a secret agent> d : not acknowledged : unavowed <a secret bride> e : conducted in secret <a secret trial>

Here is how it is used as a mantra in the art magazines:   “Learn the Secrets of bold watercolor”; In this issue, the secrets to better pastel landscapes; 10 secrets to fabulous oil portraits;  learn the secrets of the old Masters, etc.

One would suppose if the author is erudite enough to get an article accepted by a high readership national art magazine, said author would know how to look up the meaning of a word in his/her title.   Are the editors of these magazines just as stupid?   Do they read this stuff?

How much of a secret is it if you know it and want to share with 190,000 readers?   You have a really big mouth.  An how did you come across this secret?   Did you find an old document by Rembrandt at a yard sale.   He taught no one?   600 years go by and NO one has any idea how he painted?  But now you will share.   And as we know, once we have these “secrets”, we will paint like Rembrandt.

Strange thing is, the “keepers” of these secrets who are going to let us in on them generally can’t paint any better than they can keep a secret.   So, unless having this secret directly from Rembrandt helps me paint  any better, keep it to yourself.   And if it will make me paint like him, won’t the other 190,000 be able to paint like him too?  So there goes the marketing  advantage.

This stupid trashing of the language extends beyond the art world.  Still the art world is so full of whiffle dust blowers, you need look no further if you are seeking  people full  of secrets and bullshit.

I watched an ad on tv showing yet another pathetically ridiculous  exercise machine for the lower back.   When the actor or “Dr” who must have lost his license for dealing meth started talking about how having this machine fixes your back by having you do nothing but lay there …. here it comes …..   blah blah blah … and this is the  SECRET as to how this machine heals your back in a seemingly magical fashion.    The secret is that it empties a fat wallet thereby removing the imbalance when you sit.

If you will send me a mere $10, I will send you, my obviously very well educated, astute reader, the entire unabridged “secrets” to better blog writing.  Oh, hell, I’ll give it to you for free …. write something interesting!  (This has gone untold for hundreds of years).