Can’t Find My Ass With Both HandsAugust 28, 2009
By WR Jones
I have always been prone to getting lost. If I had been one of the early explorers leaving Virgina to probe the west, I would have found Virginia Beach. “Well boys, there it is, the mighty Pacific ocean. Sure is a mighty thin country. I don’t think we can support a population big enough to warrant the supper lotto.”
This week I reached a new personal low in navigational incompetence. I was in Dallas, Texas. I always drive with a GPS. Even when going from my house to the grocery store 2 blocks away. I have gotten into the habit of listing to the female voice tell me where to turn and paying little heed to what is going on in the real world.
So, I’m going from the hotel in Dallas to a company for a meeting. I punch in the address and off we go. The female navigator is telling me to turn right in 0.5 miles onto such and such road. Got it, thanks honey. I had the GPS setting loose in the center console and unbeknown to me the touch screen was touching and touching and touching and reprogramming my destination. Turn here, turn there. Finally she says arriving at destination. Huh? This doesn’t look right. What the hell. I was just at the meeting site yesterday. How could it change this much overnight? I picked up the GPS and saw it had programmed me to a new location. Ok, so I missed the meeting by an hour or two.
That afternoon I was going to the DFW airport to return home. I programmed the GPS for the airport and off we; me and Stella, my GPS voice, went. This time, smart as a whip and always learning, I made sure the GPS was not touching anything. “In 0.3 miles turn left onto Storey Road. Turn left on to Storey Road.” There is no turn onto Storey Road, I’m on it already. ”Recalculating, drive 1.2 miles and turn left on ….; then turn right, then turn right, then turn right again.” Now I’m going back the direction I came in. Ok. Drive 0.8 miles and keep to the left to such and such road. I do that and as I keep to the left I see the fork in the road. Then as I pass the fork, the bitch tells me to keep to the right onto road A which I’m now watching disappear out of reach on my right. I’m screaming at her, “YOU STUPID COW, tell me BEFORE I get to the fork.” She stays calm. ”Recalculating. Drive 18 miles straight ahead you complete idiot. I now know you can’t handle turns.” Really, it is like driving with a woman you are about to divorce and she will get everything.
If you see me driving around and around in your neighborhood perhaps you could call my wife to come get me.