Martini Glass

By W R Jones

MartiniHolder

    Rebecca suggested drinking out of plastic margarita glasses for those of us who drink ourselves into a stupor and keel over.  It is a safety issue.   Not a bad idea.  Do they make plastic martini glasses?   Would it be correct to call a plastic drink container a plastic glass?

    I HATE martini glasses.  What in the hell kind of drinking vessel is that?  All they are good for is sloshing the drink onto your lap.   I don’t need that, I get enough stains from dribbling in the bathroom.   As a preventative measure to protect carpet and clothing, I normally drink from a two handled training mug with a nipple on the top.

    I was at a friend’s house one night when he insisted I try one of HIS martinis.  Ok, I say, but can you just put it into a cup for me?  My hands are too shakey to drink out of what is essentially a rejected plate.   He said I had to grow up sometime and behave like an adult.   This is the same guy who balked at passing me the catsup for the quiche he made for breakast.  He absolutely refused.  What kind of host is that?

    I gripped the glass with both hands and managed to get most of the liquid down my throat.   I drank leaning over his new sofa so the sloshed part went down behind the cushion.

    The next time he came to our house I taped a dinner plate to a jar and poured his martini into that.  “Here, drink this you pretentious asshole.”

    I only drink for the buzz.   All I want is a good cheap buzz.   If it doesn’t cause me to hack up blood, the quality is fine.   So for all you out there in your tuxes and evening gowns smoking $35 cigars and drinking 500 year old cognac that cost as much as my truck, don’t pat yourself on the back too hard for being better than me.  It is not much of an accomplishment – that bar is pretty low.

This entry was posted in Drawing, Humor, Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Martini Glass

  1. Carol King says:

    OMG. I am laughing so loud that I can’t even comment.

    Well, ok, I can, in between guffaws all I can say is YOU ARE A CLASS ACT!

  2. Carol King says:

    I forgot to say:

    Nice drawing of a hand. Made better only if it was holding a martini glass.

  3. Nava says:

    “I normally drink from a two handled training mug with a nipple on the top.”

    ?? what ever happened to that rusty empty Alpo can? have you really given on being manly?

    Nice drawing! I like the implied gesture.

  4. Bill, we’d like to read more about your work here. The drinking accounts make me worry too much.

    I like this piece. It reminds me a bit of Burne Hogarth’s hand drawing demos.

  5. I’m with Nava. We must see the can, Bill, the Alpo! We want authenticity!!

    But the gripping contour drawing (see, that’s a pun) is marvellous. I’m guessing you were sober when you drew this!!

  6. wrjones says:

    Carol – I can’t draw a hand holding a martini glass. I need both of them to steady the glass. Maybe I could learn to draw with my foot.

    Nava – Ok, Ok, the Alpo business was bullshit. Are you happy now? I will be up in your area next week. Maybe I should stop by for dinner and a martini?

    Diana – I really don’t remember much about my work (truthfully). It doesn’t have anything to do with drink. Just a bad memory. And I would like to point out here that you have been producing some beautiful work that makes me so envious I have to drink (but not martinis).

    Aletha – Do they really still make Alpo? Excellent pun by the way. I don’t even remember drawing this but since it is in my house I either drew it or stole it.

  7. We all love you, you know. That’s why we keep visiting even though we don’t believe a word of your ravings. And we all love to laugh, so keep the comedy alive, as long as you don’t hurt yourself.

    We also know you can draw and paint, Bill. No more excuses.

  8. Barbara Pask says:

    “Taped a dinner plate to a jar” Love it! you always make me laugh. Also love your sketch, must have been challenging but you nailed it.

  9. Julia says:

    I almost fell out of my chair reading about taping the plate to a jar. I am a martini lover myself (vodka, dirty as they come) and will never look at my martini glass in quite the same way again! :)

  10. Rebecca says:

    I guess we’re both in the sippy cup club. Years ago, I was dating a nice guy who brought me home to meet the folks. After spilling port on their very white carpet, the next time my boyfriend’s father handed me a glass of wine, it was in his grandson’s sippy cup. It was so hysterical, I think I may have spit up on the white carpet laughing!

  11. Hey Bill,
    I guess we’re all lucky you haven’t gone blind by now, huh??
    I do have to agree that martini glasses are often difficult to hold.
    (GREAT hand drawing, by the way…)

  12. wrjones says:

    Diana – thanks. I’m kinda partial to you too. There is a whole lot of accuracy in my rants. The martini business is competely true as is the catsup incident.

    Barbara – I did tape the plate to a jar but I don’t think he drank out of it. I think he just snorted.

    Rebecca – I think I like your boyfriend’s family. I told Erin at class tonight you were neighbors of her cousins. She said they weren’t her favorite as they would take her out in the woods and leave her. Can’t say as I blame them.

    Marian – martini and margarita glasses look like they were designed by a carpet cleaner product company.

  13. pegisue says:

    As I sit here, getting a beer buzz early in the morning, drinking my beer from a Mason Jar….I just have to laugh WITH you!!! Those glasses suck!! That is why God made mason jars. And how cool are the one’s with a handle????? An amazing person came up with that idea!!!

    Back to Reef Dreaming……..

  14. Rebecca says:

    lol. boys are mean. Tell your friend I’m sorry for their behavior!

  15. “Rejected plate” ?!!!!! Come on you dick head. You’re an artist! You need to appreciate the aesthetic quality of sipping a martini out of a chilled martini glass! Now I’ll tell ya what’s f–ked!…those effete sissies that drink FLAVORED martinis! Spirits are meant to be drunk straight. Maybe I’m being a little too hard on ya, because I’m thinking about my twilight years now. So here’s my question: where do ya get them two handled training mugs with the nipple?

  16. I was so busy reading your rant on martini glasses (and ranting back…see how you get people so excited?… well,at least me!) that I didn’t notice the cool drawing of a hand holding an invisible rejected plate! What a neat series of drawings…hands holding invisible objects. This might be an assignment for one of my drawing classes. I’m stealing this idea from you!

  17. Beautiful contour drawing Bill!

  18. wrjones says:

    Pegi Sue – can I come over for a drink? You might want to loosen your grip on that mason jar a bit and work on that beautiful blue fish.

    Rebecca – boys are mean? How about all those girls that have thrown their drinks at me for a perfectly innocent remark on their anatomy? Do you really feel “whoa, nice boobs” deserves them throwing a glass of wine that must have cost me $1.33?

    David – that is alright. One good rant deserves another. You will like holding on to the training bottle with both hands and sucking straight spirits through a nipple.

    Connie – thanks. Lordy, a normal comment, has me speachless.

  19. swatch says:

    Hey Bill – I love this drawing – hands are so beautiful.

  20. Jala Pfaff says:

    Excellent drawing!!

    I always call them “plastic glasses.”

  21. wrjones says:

    Jala – You are simply a classy painter and woman.

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