Repeating Myself

By WR Jones

I was walking with a friend last week when I launched into one of my most interesting stories.   I was totally flummoxed when she stopped me saying she had already heard this story…. 3 times.   What’s more she had been kind in the past not telling me she had already heard ALL of my stories.   She was getting, no – make that was already bored stiff and was looking for a new walking partner.

Jesus H. Christ, when did this start?   How long have I been repeating myself?  I’m so embarassed.   I need a new walking partner so I can tell my stories with out risk (for awhile anyways).

I’m going to start plagarizing life stories.   I’m surfing the net to get background material on fighter pilots and bull riders.   I was looking up doctor stuff but those words are so hard to pronounce it might seem as if I’m lying or, heaven forbid, plagarizing.

If you have any interesting life stories I might use – send them to “full_of_shit_as_the_christmas_goose@gmail.com”.   I will pay if I must.   I will send you a link to where I have put my life savings into E-Gold.  They tell me I’m making 135%/yr on my investment.   Really, I’m an investment genius, I shouldn’t need stories to impress a woman.

Moron vs Moron

By WR Jones

 

    I’ve got a new type of spam that shows up at work.    My work email is wjones@sjm.com.   I’m getting spam that claims it is from wjones@sjm.com to me at wjones@sjm.com.    What level of moron would try to sell me something that is supposed to come from myself?     They try to be tricky with the subject matter -  “How to pleasure her a whole lot more than you’ve been doing so far you total loser”,  “On your missing house payment”,   “Call me”,  “Jerry missed his flight”,  ”Sorry I missed your birthday party”, “So sorry your father died, are you coming back for the funeral?”,  ” Warning! Server Down”, “Corporate Party Date”, “Question for colleagues” etc.  

    I got a really really valuable spam this morning that tells me I can store my money privately in E – gold.   I’m starting to feel a lot more secure about the future of the economy.  This has to be better than putting the money under the mattress.  E – Gold?   Would that be 24K?

    More to the point what kind of moron would purchase from  such a site?   

     Out of curiosity I have clicked on these links.   You may be thinking,  “There you go, there is one of those morons.   Has he been hit in the head?” 

     I do this on my work computer so I’m depending on IT to protect me from any virus.   Every one I click on lists a group of limp dick pills you can order with  no Dr. examination.   This flacidity is apparently pandemic.   I’m taken aback that the population hasn’t fallen like a rock instead of continuing to grow.   I’m thinking if you can’t get it up you should not be making babies.   And for sure if you are ordering this stuff you should not be allowed to have children.   Let’s not try to evolve perfect morons.

    On another note – I went to a doctor today (for hip pain and a limp dick)  ok, ok only for the hip pain.   I will see Trixie and Bubbles later about the limp part.

    XRays showed I have arthritis in my hip joint.   Here is the advice I want to pass on to you.   I told him the pain starts after I walk about 3 miles.   He told me to stop walking after two miles.  Son-of-a-bitch, why couldn’t I think of that?

    So  he recommends Glucosamine, Chondrotin, and MSM.  I bought a bottle of 240 caplets for only $75.  Serving size 4 caplets.   By the time I take all  the blood pressure, aspirin, calcium, B12, B6, one-a-day, etc supplements my appetite is ziltch and so is my wallet.

    Somewhere out there is a modicum of pleasure – I shall seek it out; 2 miles at a time.

Martini Glass

By W R Jones

    Rebecca suggested drinking out of plastic margarita glasses for those of us who drink ourselves into a stupor and keel over.  It is a safety issue.   Not a bad idea.  Do they make plastic martini glasses?   Would it be correct to call a plastic drink container a plastic glass?

    I HATE martini glasses.  What in the hell kind of drinking vessel is that?  All they are good for is sloshing the drink onto your lap.   I don’t need that, I get enough stains from dribbling in the bathroom.   As a preventative measure to protect carpet and clothing, I normally drink from a two handled training mug with a nipple on the top.

    I was at a friend’s house one night when he insisted I try one of HIS martinis.  Ok, I say, but can you just put it into a cup for me?  My hands are too shakey to drink out of what is essentially a rejected plate.   He said I had to grow up sometime and behave like an adult.   This is the same guy who balked at passing me the catsup for the quiche he made for breakast.  He absolutely refused.  What kind of host is that?

    I gripped the glass with both hands and managed to get most of the liquid down my throat.   I drank leaning over his new sofa so the sloshed part went down behind the cushion.

    The next time he came to our house I taped a dinner plate to a jar and poured his martini into that.  “Here, drink this you pretentious asshole.”

    I only drink for the buzz.   All I want is a good cheap buzz.   If it doesn’t cause me to hack up blood, the quality is fine.   So for all you out there in your tuxes and evening gowns smoking $35 cigars and drinking 500 year old cognac that cost as much as my truck, don’t pat yourself on the back too hard for being better than me.  It is not much of an accomplishment – that bar is pretty low.