Bugs – A ConspiracyMay 10, 2009
By W R Jones
Did you ever want to dip your spouse into a vat of boiling oil? Ya, me too. One Friday evening my wife told me she was going to go shopping the next day with a new friend. The new friend had a husband. He would be spending the day with me. Huh? Why? He has some sort of electronic device that doesn’t work and since you are an engineer, I told them you could probably fix it.
Son-of-a-bitch; maybe I should volunteer your services to iron for a family of 18. The friend was a beautiful Mexican woman. She had married a gringo when he came to Mexico to find a wife. The man was a big fellow. An owner of a gym he was a body builder. He was/is proof positive that working out the body does not help functioning of the brain whatsoever. Apparently he had to go to Mexico to find a wife because if the woman spoke ANY English she would recognize a total loser the moment he opened his mouth.
He sat at the kitchen table and put a bread box sized device on the table in front of him. He looked at me a moment then, “I’m going to have to ask you to keep this conversation a secret.” “No problem, no-one has shown any interest in my conversations since I was born.”
“I have a device that very few are allowed to own. They did a background check on me before I was allowed to purchase it.” “What is it?” “You take a picture of a field and put the photo in my device and it sends out signals that kill all the bugs in the area.” “Really?” “Yes, the reason only a select group can own it is because you could use it to kill people. If you take a photo of a person in Las Vegas and put it in this box that person will die.”
Oh, my Lord, I’m sitting across from a very large whacko. Is he going to kill me or just ask me to invest? I asked him how much he paid for such a wonderful instrument. $5000, was his answer. Then I ask has he tried it and did it work? He replied it did not work. No shit? For $5000 you would expect it to work. Why don’t you just ask for your money back. He couldn’t do that for some dumb reason or other. He wanted me to fix it.
What he had was an ordinary amplifier, albiet an expensive one. When I tried to explain this would not work his answer was that I was one of those “science” guys who didn’t understand. So I say, hey if you bought a car and it didn’t work wouldn’t you take it back to the dealer? Yes, but this was a special case and only special people were allowed to buy (read only simple minded idiots).
I wondered out loud why such an incredible boon to farming and mankind had not been announced on TV. A conspiracy was his reply. The insecticde manufacturers pay off the media and government. Well, nuts, this was going to be a long day.
He left at the end of the day convinced, I’m sure, that I was one of those “science” types who could not repair a real instrument if his life depended on it.
Time passed and I got an opportunity to talk alone with his wife. I was able to get a confession out of her that she realized he was an idiot but she wanted the green card enough to put up with it, for awhile anyway.
And me – I’m out it the back yard taking pictures. I will give it another try to see if I can rid myself of these pesky mosquitoes. Maybe you just need to turn it to face Mecca.