Rebate ~ Another Word For Stealing

By W.R. Jones,   Painting by Erika Jones

    I was in an AT&T store the other day to see about a phone cover when I started looking at phones.   There was a paper on a table that showed fancy phones for free, or $30, or $100, etc.  AFTER rebate.   You paid $300 at the counter and then if you were relentless enough to pursue it you could get some of your money back in six months.

    This is, of course, theft on a grand scale.   Many people don’t get the required paperwork in and get nothing back.  Even if you do get the rebate it is months later.   Thus you have loaned these giant companies your money at 0 percent interest for 6 months.

    If I were king – I would make our congressmen, lawyers, corporate executives, and the assholes who came up with this concept pay 100 times the cost of everything they buy.  Then, if they  were willing to fill in the paperwork and wait, they could get some of their money back.   So for them a roll of toilet paper on sale for $0.19  would be $19 at the counter.

    Still, this is clearly an enriching business model.   So, I have decided offer breast augumentation implants for $17 …… AFTER rebate.   You pay $25,000 and send in the box tops your new breasts came in (assuming you survive the surgery).   I can offer this special deal because I haven’t pissed away a lot of money getting a license or FDA approval for my saline implants.  

    My implants are ziploc bags filled with tap water and Morton salt.   On the box I clearly state not to jump up and down as the zip might not hold and your new breasts will show up somewhere around your ankles.

    Be the first on your block to have a sandwich bag chest to show the world under your new swim suit.

Hire The Handicapped?

By W R Jones

    Ok, I’m in favor of hiring the handicapped when they can do the job with the same efficiency as a non handicapped person.   There are thousands of such opportunities.   But, but, for Christ’s sake, put them in appropriate positions.

    The other day I went to WalMart to get a set of keys made.    The greeter welcomed me.  I stopped to asked where I might get a key made.   He had one eye looking in one direction and the other eye independently surveying the ceiling I guess.  Neither eye looked at me and his head bobbed on his shoulders like a Chevy dashboard doggie.    When I asked where I could get a key made the fun began.   He had a stammer and a stutter.   Using both these tools, “It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s, ……ov, ov, ov, ov,…..over th, th,th,th,th,…,there.   He indicated the location  with a arm so spastic it pointed at the entire floor, ceiling, parking lot, and store.   Uh, ok, thanks.

    I wandered the store until I found where the keys are made.   Now they have an obese moron running this department.   He is with a customer and his entire wit is absorbed by typing into a handheld device with a stylus.   What the hell.  He is standing next to two computers with full sized keyboards.  Can’t he enter the order there?

    The biggest handicap of all is the lack of common sense that pervades the entire world.  It may be time to cull the population of the entire earth.

Reading, Comprehending, Listening, Staying Awake ~ Different Skill Sets

By WR Jones

    My company has a “Reading Buddy” program with a local grade school.  I think they are first graders.    We read to them for 30-45 minutes once a week.   Each adult has a group of 5.    I don’t know what to expect of them at that age but they don’t listen worth a hoot.   They appear to be dumber than 40 water buffalo.  You can read a  SHORT paragraph and ask a question.   Not a single right answer time after time after time.   The little buggers comprehend zilch.

    I on the other hand read 20,000 words a minute.   The product of an Evelyn Woods speed reading class years ago.   I read War and Peace in an hour and a half….. it’s about Russia.

    I have some vague recollections of being a model student at this age.   I think I got all A’s and kudos for model behavior.   Or at least that was my recollection until my mother pulled out a box of old report cards and gave them to my daughter.    Why would you save your child’s report cards that long?   And then why subject your only  begotten son to public humiliation?    There were notes from 60 years ago stating I was not paying attention and I was bothering the girls.   

    I guess somewhere after this first grade business we learn to pay a little more attention and can even stay awake while reading.    That period of personality development lasts a number of years before the big down hill slide begins.

    Now I can’t listen, comprehend, or stay awake.    I think they have reading buddy programs for old geezers.   If I get one of my former students reading to me as I nod off, I wonder if he will steal my candy like I did his.

    This DEA  lady standing behind the tree was listening to me tell my 5 little charges I thought they were wasting their time in school and could make a lot more money working the street corners selling paper flowers for me.   If they hustled they could have a Lexus for themselves by the time the 6th grade dance rolled around.

    I should have been a teacher.  I would enjoy having all summer off.