Hog Wild

By W.R. Jones

    This falls under the “are you shitting  me” umbrella.   I just read where a jury awarded a motorcycle rider 8.9 Million dollars because he was injured when his bike hit a wild boar crossing the road.

    So his attorney’s argument was that the state or  county or whatever were responsible.  They should have known the hogs posed a risk.

    Really, how is it that they drum up a passel of stupid jurors so often?  And can’t the  judge just tell the balif to shoot all the  jurors as they are too stupid to be wandering the streets.  They pose a danger to moroncycle riders.

    Wild animals are unpredictable about crossing roads – DUH.    Imagine if a group suggested shooting all the wild boars as they pose a risk to drivers.   You can feel the national  outcry.  

     So, if we are concerned with saving our ornately tattooed motorcycle riders, shouldn’t we shoot all the deer, elk, coyotes, squirrels, cats and dogs, and children under the age of 18.    They pose a danger of  running amok in the streets that clearly belong to the moroncycle riders.

    My KINGDOM  for a person with COMMON sense.

    Did hims hurt hims self?   Let mumkins get an attorney for baby boy.

How to Take A Bubble Bath

by Lisa

      

        I went to an estate sale yesterday and got the most beautiful 10″ tall brass pot for a still life. Okay, it is a spitoon. The thought makes me want to gag, but I try to look beyond that and not IN it. As an avid ‘sale-or’ I am very good at haggling over prices. They wanted $10. I told them the pot had dents and I would pay $7 for it. The truth be known, I was willing to pay more for the dents since it gives it more character in a painting. I got it for $8 in the end after considerable arguing. 

       So, I went to take a bubble bath last night (I am moving on now–this has nothing to do with the spitoon) and had the wonderful idea to take a bowl of popcorn and a book in with me. I often read in the bathtub, but the popcorn was going to take it to a new level. This requires quite a bit of planning as it turns out. Pay attention. My first mistake was to take a bowl, the base of which was about 49% wider that the corner of my bathtub. This made it perch, shall we say, precariously. I started the water, poured the bubble bath and began sloshing the water to make foam. This sprinkled water all over the rest of the tub so that there was no dry spot along the edge to put my book, except on top of the bowl. Which I did, like a house of cards, but I was still okay up to that point. Next I got into the bathtub stepping veeeery carefully around the lurking bowl. I got all settled in and the time had come to read and eat popcorn.

       I put my glasses on. That’s when the trouble began. They got foggy from the steam.  When I went to reach outside the door for a towel to wipe them, I bumped the bowl since I couldn’t see, and caught IT, but in went the book. Books don’t care about foam. They sink right to the bottom very quickly. That’s okay I thought. It’s still readable. It is a paperback, and it will just become my bathtub book, is all. No worries. I even relished the notion that now I didn’t have to be so anal about keeping it dry. As I was wringing it out, I made my second mistake. One little bump and down went the popcorn. Now, popcorn in a bubble bath is different. The kernels sit on top of the foam for a while. This presents another happy accident since you can now read your wet book and eat your popcorn sprinkled about you without having to reach over your shoulder into the bowl every time. I did discover that once the kernels sink, they get really slimy very quickly, and are not as good. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? SPITOON!!!!

       If you try this at home, here is some advice. Take a strainer with you to remove the kernels that sink since they aren’t too comfortable to sit on.  Also, by the time you are done with your new bubble bath experience, you will need to shower off unless you want an obvious line of salt around your shoulders.

Clouds For The Deaf

By W.R. Jones

    I mean, really, what are the odds?   Maybe there is a higher power doing intelligent design, and who holds some type of grudge against me.

    Thursday, I took a water aerobics class with Erin.   I went early to practice my “eggbeater” water treading technique.  This consists of me hanging on to one of those spaghetti float things then dangling my legs and flailing them ineffectually for 10 minutes before I completely poop out.

   Seeing Erin before getting into the pool I made the mistake of being truthful; a new idea for me.  I told her today I was going to pee BEFORE getting into the pool.  She is very quick.  I didn’t see that hand coming at all.  I heard the pop against my left ear further damaging my hearing on the left side. 

    It snapped my head back.  I saw these clouds.  

    So yesterday, after finishing this painting, I decided to take a muscle conditioning class since, due to rain, I didn’t do my walk.  Wouldn’t you know.  Erin was teaching.   I went to the bathroom before the class.   As I was walking back to the exercise room I met her in the hallway where she said she thought she had lost me.  Seeing an opportunity to test her sense of humour I told her I had to go out to the pool to pee before class.

    I never saw the hand coming.  I felt it pop against my right ear.  She hits hard with the left hand as well; now I can’t hear a damn thing.  I wonder if marijuana will help the pain.