Happy Creepy Crawly Halloween

by Lisa

      

       Here on Halloween, I decided to post a picture of a sample of my growing collection of creepy crawlies. Some of you may remember that I have an acute aversion to bugs, and that I find plein air painting very nearly impossible because the dreadful creatures live outdoors. I find it hard to believe that if there is a merciful God that he would have put the damnable things on this planet to scare, harass, and infect us, his higher species. What was he thinking? Could he have come up with a more clever way to feed the frogs than with mosquitos? And what is up with roaches? Was he looking ahead to television’s ”Survivor”? Why couldn’t he make an edible rock for them? And ticks. That is one nasty little joke on God’s part.

       I don’t blame God. I’ll bet he sits up there and guffaws every time someone slaps their neck and curses. Must be great fun.

       The fact is, I am collecting the little buggers to go into my still lifes:

       Okay, I love the butterflies. And the other bugs are okay as long as they are stone cold dead. But I do not kill these insects for all you creepy insect activists who are going to send hate comments now. I find them dead already. And now I would like to take this opportunity to request that any of you readers who come across a terrific (god-awful) specimen, please send it to me. I will need to know that it is coming first so I can call a haz-mat squad to open the package.

Lying Little Children Turn Into Pumpkins

By W. R. Jones

    This painting gives me the impression of an illustration for a children’s fable.  “Little Children Who Lie About Eating The Candy Turn Into Pumpkins”.  So that would be me and my friends there in the field.  The big one in the foreground is me.

    A remark I heard on the news – “New hope for older women who want children.”  So I’m thinking they have developed a new drug that makes women come to their senses.

    Another line I heard on TV – “Love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru”.  Are you shitting me?  Does this work?  Does this trigger a buying impulse?  Can these shitbirds say just anything that pops into their mind and the lemmings will toodle on down to the car dealer?

    Does this line appeal to young men?  They connect the word love with the word laid and visualise themselves driving down the street slowly with sunglasses and their arm out the window.  “Hey baby, like my new ride?  Hop in.”   “Is that your car or you mom’s?”  “Mine, all mine – it is a love car.”  “Thanks anyway, I’ll walk.  It is only 12 more miles and it isn’t snowing that hard.”

    There should be a law that would allow you to hit someone who spews such disconnected nonsense in the head with a hammer.

    Oh ya, I know what you are thinking, but I will be wearing a helmet.

The Trouble With Landscape Painting

by Lisa

The other day I went out to do a little landscape painting. The Santa Ana winds were not threatening to carry my canvas into the Pacific Ocean, the sun was not threatening to bake my arms into a shriveled mass of malignancy, my back problem seems to be resolving, and all seemed just right for me to paint a lovely little study outdoors.

This is true. All was right. However, finding something to piant was another story. I got out there early to get the early morning light. By 10:00 the early morning light was gone and I was still wandering aimlessly looking for a masterpiece and getting pissed off that I was wasting so much gas. Mind you I am mostly an indoor painter, and do not venture out enough to practice this. Part of the practice is getting good at finding something quickly. Also, being able to settle for something, and edit and move bushes and trees, etc. to make it work QUICKLY.

As a landscape painter, you learn that the light changes faster on certain things. If you are painting a vista for example, the light change is more subtle. If you are focusing on one flower that is just catching the light and everything around it is in shadow, wait 10 damn minutes after you’ve already started that masterpiece, and there will be maaaaany more flowers in the light leaving you to say to yourself, a freaking PICTURE of this would work better. I’m learning, but I ain’t showing you said masterpiece. I’m going back to drawing, and back pain, in my studio where leaves don’t stick to your butt when you pee.