Spots

By W. R. Jones

    Well, I have out done myself again.  I have reached a pinnacle of stupidity never before seen or heard tell of.

    A few years ago I went to a dermatologist to have her look at a spot on my leg.  It was OK.  I asked her if she thought I should come in for a yearly checkup.  She replied it wouldn’t be necessary.  Then she walked around past my left side to leave the room and exclaimed, “Oh Oh”.  Those were chilling words.  There was a dark spot inside my ear.  She said that should not be there.  A biopsy was negative but now she has me in every year for a full body check.

    I have lots of odd looking spots now.  They are benign old age marks.  Depending on where they are, she will sometimes freeze them.  Every touch of that “much colder than ice” qtip to my body is $90, and not covered by insurance.

    Recently I was walking down the isle of the grocery store and noticed a product for use in freezing warts.  It was only $10 for the whole can.  “Hey”, says that idiot little voice in the back of my head, “a do it yourself spot remover.  I can save a bundle here.”

    When you freeze the skin, you are really burning it.  The area turns black, then a week or two later the burned tissue falls or is rubbed off.  I, fool that I am, applied this wart remover directly to my face.  Now I look like a Dalmatian. 

    What the hell was I thinking?  What if these black marks are permanent?  I CAN NOT go to that doctor and ask for help.  You can’t explain this kind of stupidty to anyone.  I’m sure she knows I’m an idiot but I don’t like to make confirmation of first impressions such a slam dunk.

    My lawyer says I’ve got a great case here.  First of all there was no mention of trying the product on an inconspicuous area to test for color ruination.  Secondly there was no label saying this product was not for use by Compleaaaat Idiots.

    And me; I’m sitting here on the lawn in front of the fire station.  They’ve adopted me.

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16 Responses to Spots

  1. Aletha says:

    Sorry about your mishap!! But it’s a terrific drawing.

  2. lori says:

    Well, you are just going to have to do what us ladies do for spots. Makeup! Go to some store like sears or pennys and go to the makeup counter. Ask the lady there for help. Go to some store you never go to so they won’t know who you are so you don’t get embarrassed. They will never see you again.

  3. grfxho says:

    Perhaps you could wear a veil? Or one of those germ masks that Michael Jackson wears?

    It will add to your already eccentric reputation.

  4. Carol King says:

    hysterical story. Great portrait. Loved grfxho’s suggestions. May I go further and suggest a burqua?

  5. Hey! Very deft drawing! Like the eyes! Good luck with the spots. Ever hear the term “penny wise, pound foolish”? Don’t stress. Remember that I’m feeling your pain.

  6. 100swallows says:

    A great drawing, Bill. It reminds me of someone–I just can say who.

  7. wrjones says:

    Thanks, Aletha, I just need a little sympathy.

    Lori – I will use my wife’s makeup. She is out of town so I have already been in it. I am using it to create a six pack of abs for the pool area. I’ve learn a couple of things: 1. Don’t go in the water 2. Don’t put on a clean white shirt.

    Grfxho – eccentric? Just because I wear a glove and hold my nuts while I paint does NOT make me eccentric.

    Carol – you are still alive? Great! Hey, do you think I can find a blue “boys” burqua at Wal Mart?

    David – throw away my money, don’t try to save. Can you feel my aching knee, forearm, shoulder, lower back, and numb hand? More importantly, can you get us some Vicodin?

    100swallows – Thanks. You are probably thinking of Brad Pitt. I know, sometimes it is on the tip of your tongue but just won’t come out.

  8. Rhonda says:

    Good sketch, Bill. Sorry about the black spots. I’m sure they will fade with time – how old are you?? – I hope they fade before it’s too late.
    And we all have done stupid things to save money, to save time, to save, dare I say it, yes, to save face (sorry, couldn’t resist). If your wife’s makeup isn’t working, I’ve got some great foundation that covers a multitude of sins.

  9. wrjones says:

    Rhonda – covers a multitude of sins? You got something for lying, oh, let’s call it modifing reality. I’ll be needing it by the bucket.

  10. bonnieluria says:

    The lovely progression of aging: pimples>wrinkles>black spots!
    I believe there are actually 12 minutes in a persons’ life when skin is glowing, supple and smooth. Too bad we’re sleeping when it happens.
    Loved the burqua suggestion too.

    Very self- eFACE-ing drawing.

  11. wrjones says:

    Well, I’m glad to see that pretty little foot has escaped the wrinkles. You didn’t have a foot lift did you?

  12. grfxho says:

    I had never counted the nut-holding routine of yours as an eccentricity, but more as an habitual act of self-preservation considering all of the women you’ve offended by “subtly” requesting that they get naked “for the sake of art”…

    The glove was the eccentricity… that and the Colonel Sanders suit… and the imaginary girlfriends… and the gluing of puzzles to table tops… and your inability to not steal flowers… shall I continue?

  13. wrjones says:

    Grfxho – your memory seems to be firing on all 12 cylinders. Ok, I may from time to time make less than intelligent comments on your blog, but is that sufficient reason for you to come over here spreading the truth?

  14. grfxho says:

    I tease because I care, dear. Well, that and you’re an easy target sometimes. :)

    But if I know you, you love attention–good or bad.

  15. wrjones says:

    It is a comfort to have someone who cares.

  16. Don Gray says:

    I’ve got a few spots of my own, but thankfully haven’t yet tried your remedy. Don’t think I will. I’m learning from my peers.

    This drawing reminds me of Larry Rivers. Ever seen his book “Drawings and Digressions”?

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