Bumblebee In My Pants

By W.R. Jones

    The CafeCrem writers are posting full photos so I decided I might as well put this picture here as well.  I’ve had this painting on the easel for quite a while now (don’t want to give the actual dates as it is embarrassing).  I have been unable to finish and in fact have changed the painting completely several times.   Perhaps I should see a doctor, and I would if there were a guarantee  of some drugs.  But I think he would just say I didn’t want to let go of youth and the promise of this beautiful young woman.

    On another track – This morning while driving to work I remembered an incident from my youth.  I was 16 or 17 at the time and driving down a two lane Iowa highway.  I felt something crawling under my jeans on my right leg just above the calf.  Thinking it was a fly I reached down to squash it.   However, when I felt the size I realized it was a bumblebee and became fearful that if I didn’t kill it cleanly I was going to be stung while driving.  I reached down to pull my pant leg up far enough so it could get out.  This didn’t work.  It kept going further and further up my leg while I grew ever more fearful.  Finally it reached my nuts and I was damn near panicked that it would sting and I would drive into a tree.  The car was a 1940 Buick stick shift so I had to worry about the clutch, brake, and gas pedal.  Worry?  Yep, at this point I did not want to move my legs at all to touch any pedal as I thought it might piss off the bee.

    For minimum movement of my legs I shifted into neutral and let the car coast to a stop then used the hand brake.  As this was a two lane road, a line of cars had accumulated behind me.  I opened the door and gingerly rotated my legs to get out.  Once out of the car I dropped my pants to free the bee.  The people in the car behind me were doubled over in laughter.   I don’t know if they could see the bee fly away.  As luck would have it, they did not have cell phones or digital cameras in those days.  If if were to happen today I would be on youtube standing on an Iowa road in my skivvies.

Power Negotiator

By W.R. Jones

 I overheard this American grandmother negotiating in a Mexican marketplace.  Clearly she is of the Donald Trump school of power negotiators.

    Grandma, “Do you negotiate?”  Shopkeeper, “Que (what)?”  Grandma, “Do you take less money?”  Shopkeeper, (in Spanish with a big smile), “Bring your purse a little closer you big dummy.”

    I didn’t stay to hear the end of the business deal but I could just visualize that poor shopkeeper standing in front of his empty store in only his underwear holding the empty halter of his last milk cow in one hand and the few meager pesos Grandma left him in the other.

OK – I have to update this post since Lisa says she doesn’t get it.

When in Mexico most try to bargain, grandma was aware of the concept but not the process. How much do you think an experienced salesperson is going to lower the price when you ask “do you take less money?”

Merry Christmas!

by Lisa

Hope you are gathering your wits today after the shopping frenzy of late. I know I’m glad it’s over.

Late yesterday afternoon, my doorbell rang, and when I opened the door expecting to see a person (I know I’m supposed to look through the peep hole, but we live in the seventh safest city in the US.), there was only a box on my doorstep and the sound of the Fed Ex truck pulling away. The box was about 6 inches deep and say 20″ x 14″.  I stood there looking down at it thinking about whether or not I had ordered something that I’d forgotten about. There was no identifiable source on it. I have ordered many many things off the Internet, and so has my family, but I thought everything had arrived. I went to pick it up, and that was when I noticed the warning on the box: HEAVY – LIFT WITH CARE. Hmmm. Sure enough it weighed a veritable ton. I racked my brain trying to figure out what it was. It was addressed to me and I thought either I spaced and can’t remember what I ordered (it’s been known to happen) or it is a gift to me and I better not open it yet.

When my husband and son came home, we all three stood there staring at this box not knowing what was in it. Finally I decided to open it. Inside was the biggest book I have ever seen. Here is the cover:

 

Suddenly, I remember my dear friend Pam had told me that something would be coming to me from Amazon, but she had indicated it was a small no-big-deal something. And here arrives a tome of the entire history of the art world. It is a beautiful table book, gorgeous reproductions, and I don’t think it misses a single year. I liked my husbands quip. He said, “Gawd, are YOU in there?” Anyway, mystery solved, and it was a lovely surprise. My many thanks to Pam for a book that very quickly enlarges my collection of art books!

And with that I will say a final Merry Christmas to all of you in Cyberville. I hope all of your wishes came true.